U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

This Discussion Board is for men who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.For further information, visit our website, or contact us at

[ RETURN TO MESSAGE INDEX PAGE ] [ POST A REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE ]

De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 11/5/2011, 8:28 pm

I would like to go to a workshop but as they are not frequent I would really appreciate some tips on trying to de-sense on my own. I would say my symptoms are mild to medium.I have started with cubicle door shut, gradually trying to open the door more and more but seem to be stuck! .My problem is initiating the flow. I am 36 and have had paruresis for apprx 22 years, until 4 months ago I didn't know that this condition existed. I think I have taken very small steps, but would like to make more. Any tips would be greatly received thanks pete

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Mark L on 12/5/2011, 6:40 pm, in reply to "De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Pete,

Good to see you're de-sensing on your own before making it to a workshop! I had the same problem regarding the cubicle door being open, I couldnt start the flow unless it was locked shut.

What I did was start the flow, then reach behing me and unlock and open the door. That way the flow kept going and I was exposed.

Remember to keep topped up with water and only drain off small amounts at a time - that way you maximise your time thus getting in more de-sensing in one go.

Are you able to go round friends houses/when out with friends if you're in a cubicle?

Speak soon,

Mark

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 13/5/2011, 8:38 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Mark, thanks for the reply. I have been able to get a stream going and opened the door on lots of occasions. So then I started to get a stream going with the door just a little bit open, then in time opening it more and more, but I think I pushed myself too far, because I think there was too much anxiety with the door just open a bit, in other words the door was open fully too quickly! Since going on this website I have realised that I have been hard on myself. I lock up in cubicles, when friends are round, and I most certainly struggle at dinner parties at friends and families houses etc. I am sure you know what its like. I can on rare occasions go, eg when there is no threat etc, although not easy, but most of the time I would say it's a no. Look forward to hearing from you.regards pete

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Andrew on 15/5/2011, 3:23 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Pete

Mark's advice is sound. I looks like you were pushing yourself too fast! You did nmanage with the door open a little bit. I suggest you repeat at that level until you are comfortable with it possibly 3 - 4 times. Only then try it a little bit more open, and even then repeat until you are comfortable.

It is a case of small steps, repeated till anxiety reduces.

Andrew

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by The Therapist on 30/5/2011, 5:16 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

I desensed on my own and became able to use urinals as long as there was nobody I know around but then got a bit stuck
After 11 years I finally told my wife about it and finally plucked up the courage to ask her to help me desense. At home I would use the loo when she was in another room and then gradually got closer and closer until I could do it with her standing next to me.
So my tip is to get yourself a pee buddy. If you have an understanding wife then use her or seek another pauretic to help you.
My other tip is to go into a toilet when you don't want to go and stay there as long as you can. You will find that the anxiety will pass and it helps teach your brain that nobody is really paying any attention to whether you can go or not except you.

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 30/5/2011, 6:28 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi The Therapist, Thanks for the tips. I have more trouble initiating a stream in public toilets in the presence of others when it's really quiet. My wife does know and has been my pee buddy at home and it's helping a lot that someone else knows. I was at an outdoor concert for 8 hours recently with portaloos knowing lots of people were queuing outside, although I had been drinking I didn't seem to have much trouble. and yet today in a shopping centre in a toilet that had no background noise i went into the toilet just before someone else, I went into a cubicle with the door open and I found it difficult to start a stream, so I shut the door and someone else came in and eventually I started.
Regards pete

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Mark L on 31/5/2011, 6:48 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Pete,

Its much easier to go with lots of background noise going on outside, as opposed to a quiet small wc where you could hear a pin drop! There is nothing else to focus on. Its good when they have music playing

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 31/5/2011, 7:18 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Mark all your points are correct it's getting that stream started for me and when background noise I.e hand dryer starts and I get the urge to pee I tend to kick myself because I just want to start when it is quiet. It seems to be taking a long time to get to that stage but I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get there!
Regards Pete

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 25/7/2011, 8:48 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi to everyone.have been practicing in public toilets weekly with mixed success but not quiet where I want to be just yet but I have been practicing getting anxious for 20 odd years now so I suppose I will have to be patient! I was in a shopping mall last weekend at urinals which were busy and I was clearly above my heirachey with lots of misfires when on one of many attempts my phone rang and i started to chat and I became unlocked and started a stream with people either side of me which I thought was o.k and then it happened again .I know it is to do with my focus because obviously my Paruresis soon returned.I just thought I would run that one by you all
I have tried to focus on other things but nothing else seems to work cheers.

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Mike W on 31/7/2011, 2:45 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Sounds like you're doing well. I'd say try not to be too hard on yourself, don't think of missfires as negative, just part of the process of desensing. That once you get started you're ok is a positive, just means that getting started needs more work. Like driving a car there's several things that need to happen which most people don't even think about, but I do find distracting myself is very useful, and actually times I've talked to someone else has genereally worked although also counter intuitive as I don't want to draw attention to myself.
Generally once I'm relaxed I try think of it as a little bit of a luxury to have a bit of time out of the day to think about maybe planning a holiday, something at work or come up with some little mental puzzle (the equivalent of counting sheep to go to sleep), which takes the time pressure off a bit and makes it more of a positive experience.

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 11/8/2011, 8:56 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Thanks for the tips Mike must be patient!
And will be positive.
COME ON!!

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 25/8/2011, 4:47 pm, in reply to "De-sensing any tips?"

Hi fellow A.Ps I am finding it tricky because a lot of the time it is either too easy or impossible and so I am having trouble moving forward
Cubicles can be okay depending on how busy and urgency etc and urinals more difficult and friends houses can be tricky to impossible depending on how many people there and where toilets are etc or they can be realy easy.with freinds around it is a no go but take them out of the equation and it becomes bloody easy! So where to start. I can stand there and not pee at urinals in front of strangers but I don't seem to be moving anywhere with this at the moment .Cheers Pete
p.s it feels good to let out a bit of frustration sometimes.

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Mark L on 25/8/2011, 11:44 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Pete,

I also found the barrier when de-sensing. I could manage any cubicle (as long as there was more than 1 available). But I couldnt manage urinals with others around unless it was a really big service station with lots of urinals everywhere.

I found the best thing to do was to use a cubicle with the door open as it was like the nest best thing so to speak. If you find that too difficult, then try starting a stream with the door locked, then reaching back and opening the door. Its easier to keep the flow going than it is to start.

Just an idea...

Cheers,

Mark

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 3/10/2011, 7:54 pm, in reply to "De-sensing any tips?"

Hi to everyone anybody desensed at heathrow land side
And if so which terminal ? looking for big and spacious ones cheers

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by RM on 25/10/2011, 9:04 pm, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

Hi Pete

Sorry I can't give any advice about Heathrow, Luton arrivals toilets is quite small (3 cubicles and like 6 urinals if memory serves me right) if that helps eliminate an airport for practicing in.

All the best
RM

Re: De-sensing any tips?

Posted by Pete on 28/10/2011, 9:19 am, in reply to "Re: De-sensing any tips?"

To anyone thinking about a workshop in the future, then you should just do it because I now feel much better about myself and my anxiety has certainly lowered and this is due to two things:
A.the workshop which helped me a lot and you realise first hand that no matter what level your A.P is then you can make steps at your own pace and B. is I have been desensing as much as possible. I know that I have a way to go but I can now see that real progress can be made, and for me that is massive. There are still situations when I can't but there were situations only weeks and months ago when I couldn't but now can😄 so go on you wannabe's and GO FOR IT! Pete

« Back to index

1110

[ U.K. PARURESIS TRUST ]

UNITED KINGDOM PARURESIS TRUST WEB SITE