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UK paruresis trust

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childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Bea on 11/3/2009, 11:07 pm

Has anyone with paruresis here suffered childhood abuse (I am pretty certain that's the cause of my problems) and would they be willing to talk about it/give any advice?

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Andrew on 12/3/2009, 8:32 pm, in reply to "childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Bea

I cannot speak from personal experience, and I have not come across anyone who has mentioned abuse, so my comments have to be read in that light.

However I have noticed that some people have mentioned an experience when young, i.e. pre-puberty, after which the shyness began. The common factor was the introduction of an emotional shock linked to the genitals or the act of peeing. In effect, up that point the act of peeing was automatic and not thought about, and the genitals did not figure much either and were private. However the emotional shock made the child too aware of peeing and/or made the genitals "public"; this self-consciousness inhibited the natural behaviour and became self-reinforcing.

Abuse whether physical or emotional would seem to fit in with this.

As for advice this is tricky; we are not professionals. However it may be worth separating the impact of the abuse, from the present avoidant behaviour. The latter deals with learning how to manage anxiety in the toilet situation, and also how to practice graduated epxposure, in order to relearn how to pee.

The former may need counselling or psychological input just to deal with the memories and emotions related to the abuser, in order to effect some sort of resolution.

Bottom line: have you sought professional help?

cheers

Andrew

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Bea on 22/3/2009, 12:44 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Andrew

thanks for your response. I am in the process of seeking help but it is difficult to know what anyone can do! What do you mean by "separating the impact of the abuse, from the present avoidant behaviour" - could you elaborate please?

Thanks again

Bea

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Andrew on 22/3/2009, 8:08 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Bea

What I meant by separating is:

Because you have been abused, you may need counseling or psychological input just to deal with the memories and emotions related to the abuser, in order to effect some sort of resolution.

NAPAC (The National Association for People Abused in Childhood) exists to help people like you. Have you contacted them?

It would be helpful for you to join a support group, where you can be heard by people who have been through similar experiences.

Dealing with shy bladder means learning how to manage anxiety in the toilet situation, and also learning how to practice graduated exposure, in order to relearn how to pee.

Best

Andrew

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Mark on 14/3/2009, 11:30 am, in reply to "childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Yes, I have experienced childhood abuse and we can talk about it.

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Mark L on 15/3/2009, 10:13 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

(just to clarify that there seem to be 2 Marks! I will now use the name of 'Mark L')

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Bea on 22/3/2009, 12:49 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Thanks for responding. I haven't been online for a while (moving house) so I only just saw the post! Do you suffer with paruresis a lot still or have you found ways of managing it? Do you think it is related to your past - ie getting flashbacks etc preventing being able to 'go' - any ideas on how to manage this?
Do you ever 'get over' it?
Hope you don't mind the questions..

Thanks

Bea

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by filup on 30/3/2009, 1:37 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Some years back a patient of mine came to therapy with a major problem of bashful bladder. He could not pee at work and elsewhere except at home. He would hold his full bladder for 9 or 10 hours a day. His story he said went back to early childhood. His father would be shaving in the bathroom. He would get up needing to pee very badly. His father said he should come in and pee. He stood at the toilet but nothing would come out. His father would belittle him by laughing at him for not peeing and made fun of his small circumcised penis.Sometimes on a long family trip, at a stop he would rush to the toilet only to have his father follow him in. When he couldn't piss, he was sent back to the car. On long trips he would hold and hold for 10 or 12 hours. All throurgh childhood and into adolescence he could not pee in the toilets at school or elsewhere. When some bully would belittle him by saying he never goes to the toilet. He must be a girl who needs to sit down to pee.

He did not stay in therapy long enough to begin cognitive therapy. It was the time in the 1980s before paruresis began to be treated with behavioral practice.

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Peter L on 16/3/2009, 11:18 am, in reply to "childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Bea

Firstly, this is the first time i've looked on this sight. I have suffered from this problem for as long as I can remember, I am overwhelmed that the problem is not as rare as I assumed.

Interesting that I noticed your question with regards to child abuse. Though there are many levels of abuse which a person can suffer, I would wish to admit that I suffered abuse as a child. My father would often yell at me in public or in front of familiar faces and then tell me to stop crying because I was embarrassing myself..........I believe this to be the reason for my paruresis. In short, my father gave me little support and encouragement during my childhood.

I am 34 years old, I have little social ability and always feel very anxious when my partner, who I point out is very supportive, advises me of a 'night out'. We went out to a quiz night on Friday night so I drank little in the day in order to prevent the need to go (I believe many sufferers also do this), and also drank very little during the night. When we arrived, most people were drinking and having a right old laugh. Not me though, I felt so out of place, as is the norm..... I am unable to take part in 'having fun'! Of course when my partner asks if I had a good time, I said "it was ok". She's an Occupational therapist, she can probably see right through me but, as i said, she's very supportive and has always tried to reassure me that it's ok for me not being there all the time. I find anyone having fun quite intimidating!!

I want to be there though, I want to have fun, and I want to be able to go out and not worry before the event, during the event when I do go out, but mainly after the event. It tears me apart the next day if I didn't go out with my partner as I know she would love me to go out with her.

This weekend was pretty bad for me, it was my step son's birthday party yesterday, it was at home so I had no problems using the toilet. Socially though, although I knew the people who came, I found it very difficult to interact. I think this is due to fear of being embarassed as a child and not wanting to 'show myself up'

The knock 0n effect of my fathers continous shouting and yelling has resulted in me hardly living it up at all, this then doesn't give me many points of reference to talk to people about. So, not not only do I worry about people not wanting to talk to me, I also can't relax with a few drinks as i'll then 'need to go'.

Sorry to drag on, but, as i said, this is the fist time on the site and it's nice to express a very sensitive problem.

In the meantime, I am giving some thoughts about attending one the workshops as i feel it would help immensely to meet my fellow sufferers.

Regards

Pete

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Geoff P on 16/3/2009, 1:31 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Pete,
My heart went out to you as I read your story. And please don't think you "dragged on". All of us on this site are suffering from a social phobia - paruresis, and many of us have other, associated social problems. We want to hear your story and we want to be there for you ( I think it's a pity there isn't a symbol amongst the 'faces' for HUG!)

I wouldn't say I suffered abuse as a child, but I was certainly over protected by my Mum. (Have a read of my first messages back in January) There were reasons for this which it would not be appropriate to go into. When ever we had people round, my Mum would always answer their questions for me, even when they were directed at me. This carried on until I went away to college at 18. I still find it extremely difficult to relax and join in in social gatherings, though it doesn't sound like my problem is nearly as accute as yours.

Maybe you could try to look at yourself in a new light. Look at your strengths - don't tell me there aren't any, 'cos something attracted your partner to you! .

What's really great is that you've found this site, and us , and have started down the road to sorting this problem.

Sounds like a workshop would be great for you, as it would enable you to meet other guys in the same boat as you are. You'd find yourself being accepted for who you are.

Meeting others would really help. I'm down in Devon. I don't know if that's anywhere near you but if it is, it would be great to meet up.

Do keep in touch. We're here for you!

Cheers mate,

Geoff.

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Pete L on 16/3/2009, 2:29 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Geoff

Thanks for your reply. I must confess, my heart skipped a beat as my email flagged up with a new message!

You are quite right in what you said, my partner is with me for the right reasons, hence her constant support. It's often easy to forget the positive side of one's nature and, therefore, remembering the negative/ bad memories soon take over. I hope you understand when i say that, even though I know that I have support from loved ones, it sometimes isn't enough, and I need the odd reassuring reminder from them. Insecurities I guess from past experiences.

I'm in Norwich so a face to face chat at present would be difficult, however, having seen your smiley face, it's nice to have your support. And the support of others by the looks of this site.

I manage a small but busy office, managing 9 staff. That parts easy......it's on my territory. However, once outside the office, and in to the territory of the real world, it's a completely different scenario.

Reading the stories, including that of your own, it is like reading my own conscious thoughts!!! I just read the story of a sufferer (is sufferer ok to use?!!) keeping a watchful eye on the toilet door on how many people were in and out. Done that one a few times myself!

Thanks again Geoff

Pete

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Geoff P on 17/3/2009, 1:18 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Pete,

Thanks for your reply . It's a funny thing, this not being able to get on with people very well, yet desperately wanting to.

I run a shift of up to 12 people at work. I get on really well with them as individuals and have no difficulty in being 'The Boss'. I organise them, take meetings, chat to them about their work as well as their home lives and problems, but put me in a room with the same people for a tea break and I feel paralysed! I just sit there not knowing what to say and wishing I could be anywhere else. I just don't ever have anything to say and if I do say something, I often go bright red at the same time, causing them to laugh and me to get hugely embarrassed .

I don't know how much this affects the peeing problem. I think it's more like another branch of the same root, ie not having had an affirming childhood.

But isn't it great to just be able to chat and be yourself with another guy in the same boat. Makes you feel normal.

Keep in touch Pete.

Cheers,

Geoff .

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Peter L on 17/3/2009, 3:51 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

HI Geoff

Agreed, it is nice to share this with someone who fully understands.

I've just ordered the book, Shy Bladder Syndrome, as recommended by this site. Should make good reading, hopefully.

The red face thing is common with me too, does anyone else suffer the same? I guess this comes down to the childhood experiences I mentioned in my first message.

Pete L

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Adam on 17/3/2009, 7:42 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi folks

Just a quickie to say that I am finding 'Instant Confidence' by Paul Mckenna a really useful aid in all of this... (I promise that I have no personal interest in the success of this book!) I also suffer from social anxiety although mine tends to be more in the form of palpitations (like I can feel my heart begin to really speed up) than redness - I've been cutting down on the coffee as part of my new leaf!

Anyway, the book comes with a CD and contains many really useful exercises - particularly ones which help to 'exorcise' bad past experiences (the image is of seeing the memory as a more and more faded photograph disappearing into the distance) and focusing on your many positives (blowing them up to cinema sized presentations and watching them again and again). From what you describe Pete and Geoff, I think both of you would also enjoy it... I'm just off for a quick session with the CD right now...

Cheers

Adam

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Pete L on 18/3/2009, 9:42 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Adam

Believe it or not, I ordered that book yesterday at the same time as ordering 'Shy Bladder Syndrome'.

I once had hynotherapy and went through the same exercises as you describe with regards to the cinema excercise.

Hope you got on alright.

Pete L

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Mark L on 18/3/2009, 8:34 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Woops this topic seems to have been hijacked!

With regards to the Paul Mckenna book I got myself the confidence one and the 'change your life in 7 days one'. I also had hypnotherapy about my paruresis (2 sessions).

Both the book and the sessions only help you if you put the effort in. You have to remember to do everything which I founf too much. There is some very good content in the book though for sure.

Mark L

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Pete L on 19/3/2009, 9:33 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Mark

I felt exactly the same way with hypnotherapy, despite having 6 visits. The hypnotherapist suggested one excercise, which involved tapping my index finger on the top of my hand, rolling my eyes in a circle (both ways) and humming a tune............. can you imagine walking in to a toilet and seeing someone tapping away, rolling his eyes around and humming the 'Hovis' tune!!!! LOL. Anyway, I gave up on that idea!!

I bet you'll all spend the rest of the day humming the 'Hovis' tune!

Pete L

This thread has gone off topic

Posted by Andrew on 19/3/2009, 7:09 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi all

This thread has gone off topic. By all means continue, but do make another thread please. Bea does deserve to have this thread kept to her topic.

If you want to reply to this message, do it in a new thread.

cheers

Andrew

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Bea on 22/3/2009, 12:57 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

I am sorry to hear of the way your father treated you. my father was abusive to me too, physically sexually and emotionally. I wish i could offer you some advice. I hope if you go to the workshops that you find them helpful.
I understand not coping with social situations and feeling abnormal. childhood abuse - physical/sexual/emotional - really screws with your head and it's cr*p that it is 'taboo' to talk about it and that it goes on in the first place!

peace

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by dee on 22/3/2009, 11:56 pm, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

hello bea,
im actually from the parcopresis site, i was just interested in this sister site. (parcopresis is inabitlity to defecate near other people). i was told by a psychiatrist that 50 percent of sufferers have been sexually abused. i can't say how true that is or not. and im not sure if he meant parcopresis and parureisis or both. anyway, thought id pass that on. all the very best to you.

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Andrew on 23/3/2009, 8:09 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Dee

I think we need to be careful here; could I suggest that what the psychiatrist meant was that 50% of the patients he sees with parcopresis have been sexually abused i.e. there could be a lot more people he does not see, who have parcopresis and who have not been so abused.

Or to put it another way: people who have been sexually abused come to him for therapy, and it turns out 50% of them have parcopresis.

Just a thought

Andrew

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Pete L on 23/3/2009, 9:12 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Hi Bea

You poor love, I'm so sorry that you have suffered so much pain from your father. I won't bother with the 'I know how you feel' as, quite clearly, this type of abuse affects each individual in a different way.

I would be more than willing to offer you a listening eat if you wish to talk about this.

Pete L

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by Pete L on 23/3/2009, 9:21 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Sorry, I meant Listening ear. Not eat

Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?

Posted by alex on 30/3/2009, 9:10 am, in reply to "Re: childhood abuse and paruresis?"

we can define abuse in many ways
its the way we see it that may be important
First get to a workshop where you will be supported as far as possible with the paruresis
this then will let you decide if other professional help is needed
alex

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