Posted by Peter L on 16/3/2009, 11:18 am, in reply to "childhood abuse and paruresis?"

Bea Firstly, this is the first time i've looked on this sight. I have suffered from this problem for as long as I can remember, I am overwhelmed that the problem is not as rare as I assumed. Interesting that I noticed your question with regards to child abuse. Though there are many levels of abuse which a person can suffer, I would wish to admit that I suffered abuse as a child. My father would often yell at me in public or in front of familiar faces and then tell me to stop crying because I was embarrassing myself..........I believe this to be the reason for my paruresis. In short, my father gave me little support and encouragement during my childhood. I am 34 years old, I have little social ability and always feel very anxious when my partner, who I point out is very supportive, advises me of a 'night out'. We went out to a quiz night on Friday night so I drank little in the day in order to prevent the need to go (I believe many sufferers also do this), and also drank very little during the night. When we arrived, most people were drinking and having a right old laugh. Not me though, I felt so out of place, as is the norm..... I am unable to take part in 'having fun'! Of course when my partner asks if I had a good time, I said "it was ok". She's an Occupational therapist, she can probably see right through me but, as i said, she's very supportive and has always tried to reassure me that it's ok for me not being there all the time. I find anyone having fun quite intimidating!! I want to be there though, I want to have fun, and I want to be able to go out and not worry before the event, during the event when I do go out, but mainly after the event. It tears me apart the next day if I didn't go out with my partner as I know she would love me to go out with her. This weekend was pretty bad for me, it was my step son's birthday party yesterday, it was at home so I had no problems using the toilet. Socially though, although I knew the people who came, I found it very difficult to interact. I think this is due to fear of being embarassed as a child and not wanting to 'show myself up' The knock 0n effect of my fathers continous shouting and yelling has resulted in me hardly living it up at all, this then doesn't give me many points of reference to talk to people about. So, not not only do I worry about people not wanting to talk to me, I also can't relax with a few drinks as i'll then 'need to go'. Sorry to drag on, but, as i said, this is the fist time on the site and it's nice to express a very sensitive problem. In the meantime, I am giving some thoughts about attending one the workshops as i feel it would help immensely to meet my fellow sufferers. Regards Pete

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