U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

This Discussion Board is for men who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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Just cant go

Posted by Bill C on 24/8/2012, 8:09 am

Hi All, I found this site after seeing an article in one of the papers and have at last been able to put a name to the problem I've had for 40 odd years. I think it comes from being bullied at school for being a fat lad with a small dick in fact I hav'nt been in a communal shower since then. Everyday peeing is not a problem as I work on the railway an can lock myself away in the train toilet or use the cubicle at a station. I know if I try to use a urinal with any one else around no peeing will happen. My big problem is when I go out to a pub. I try to drink as little as possible during the day to keep my bladder empty before I go out. When I'm out I'll drink shorts which looks odd on a hot day when everyone else is downing pints. Eventually I have to pee of course but after getting in the cubicle when I've got past that hanging around in the toilet time that I find terribly embarrising, I find that I can only pee a small amount. Consequently I am back and forth to the toilet all night gradually peeing less everytime as the pain increases and your mates wonder why someone who was the life and soul of the party is now so miserable and wont have another drink even just a coke. Worst still is when I get home I still cant pee and can be in agony for most of the next day. I saw a doctor who thought it might be prostrate related but all was ok there. Does anyone else suffer like this?

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Tony on 24/8/2012, 2:30 pm, in reply to "Just cant go"

Hi, Just found the site myself and unlike Bill I tend to drink pints of beer. I always make sure my bladder is empty before I go out drinking but find after 3 beers I need to use the toilet. making the decision to use the toilet is the first agony followed by actually going in and finding the cubicle door is broken/lock doesn't work or that the pub is so busy there is a constant queue of people in and out. I try various calming techniques but none ever work. I am a biker and over the years this has really affected my life. However when I finally start to go there is no stopping it, I thought my situation was bad enough but to go through what Bill does would drive me mad.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Paul on 25/8/2012, 12:03 am, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi Bill,
I am sitting here reading this at 1 in the morning as I am going to football with friends tomorrow which I would enjoy if it were not for the fact I suffer like you.

I as per normal if im going out, am trying to plan ahead so I dont have to pee as much, not drinking anything tonight, drink vodka and coke tomorrow instead of the pint I want and praying the toilet doors lock.

Now ive found this site I will be back soon to email the charity to find out where I can get help locally as this is now destroying my social life

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Andrew on 25/8/2012, 1:35 pm, in reply to "Just cant go"

Hi guys

Welcome to the UKPT forum and website. Hopefully you feel a bit better having found that you are not unique, and that this is a recognised anxiety-based condition.

You are right Bill about bullying in the school toilet being the cause of this for you. You might be surprised at how many blokes can trace it back to that. Suddenly the toilet becomes and unsafe place, and when there you are on a hair-trigger , expecting any footstep to be an approaching bully. By now your subconscious associated a toilet with a anxiety, causing iit to shut down the ability to pee (it is explained better on our website).

As for the ability to pee only a small amount: my guess is that the urethral sphincter, which is normally a weak muscle cos it only has to keep the urethra closed for a short time while its “owner” is looking for a place to go, has in you become over developed (it is a muscle); also holding it closed for a long time means it can be difficult to get it to relax fully. Think about carrying a heavy suitcase a long way; when you put it down, you cant uncurl your fingers straightaway can you? Same thing here. So the partially opened sphincter restricts the flow of urine.

Can I persuade you all to go to our website, the link is at the top of the page, and then click on “enter website”. Take the time to read through all the info and advice there. Then get back on this forum, or to me by email (the support address is also at the top of the page) to ask further questions.

The UKPT’s main activity is the running of weekend workshops, which most guys find liberating. You wont necessarily be cured, but you will be able to “perform” better, feel better about yourself, and will take away a plan of action to practice re-learning how to pee in public. You can read the feedback from guys who have already attended a workshop by looking for “Feedback” threads on this forum.

So get reading, get asking, and get planning to attend a workshop

Cheers

Andrew

Re: Just cant go

Posted by James on 25/8/2012, 3:03 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi Bill,

Reading your account reminded me of my social drinking habits 30 years ago. It really is a nightmare trying to monitor your fluid intake/output when you suffer from this. Fortunately I was not bullied at school, but was a topic of conversation for having a large penis. It is an invasion of someones privacy, and can have a terrible effect if you are struggling to pee anyway. It leaves you feeling like you are peeing in front of an audience every time you go in the loo. I was also the subject of jokes and banter in the work place, which left me holding my urine all day until I got home.

Thank fully these days things have changed and in my office block the majority of men pee in a cubicle. There is no stigma in enjoying some privacy. I managed to 'cure' myself by relaxing. Easier said than done, and it did take years with a plenty of setbacks along the way. Today I can stand and chat at a urinal in a fashion I thought impossible back in the eighties.

There is hope - you can get over this.

I discovered this website after sorting myself out, but it would have made life a lot less lonely had I known I was not alone.

Consider a workshop and/or chat to others with the same problem. One way or another it should help.

James

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Peter J on 25/8/2012, 11:41 pm, in reply to "Just cant go"

This all sounds so familiar except not being able to go when i'm alone. I've always just refered t the problem as "stage fright" if i try to use the trough when others are in the toilet i just can't go, if i've started and others enter then i dry up, at all times whenever possible i use a cubicle and even with others in close proximity whilst behind closed doors i don't have as much of a problem. I have always attributed my "stage fright" to an incident when i was very young, as a family we went to Scotland from London by coach at one of the comfort breaks i needed to go but was so scared of being left behind i just could not get started and ended up traveling all the way dying to empty my bladder with the resultant stomach pains and a penis so full it hurt. At least i can take comfort from the knowledge, i'm not alone.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Roy on 28/8/2012, 9:09 pm, in reply to "Just cant go"

Hi Bill C,not good reading to view your dilemma but it sounds like you and I are a small proportion of the paruresis sufferers that have fell for the double whammy.We have started out with the mental paruresis and over the years it has developed into both a physical and a mental problem,by the very fact the sphincter muscle has enlarged to Arnold Schartzeneger proportions and the bladder wall muscles have lost their elasticity.I know the feelings well,you go into a safe cubical,relax---no stream at all even though you haven't been for 4 hours.You go home having endured the pain and frustration and go straight to the bathroom and even in your own home you relax---no stream,only after a hour has gone can I empty my bladder.Asked a urologist if he could weaken the muscle by surgery but he refused saying it would almost certainly lead to incontinence.
But hey ho like most things in life you learn to live with it.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Bill C on 29/8/2012, 12:45 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi All, well it's a relief to know that I'm not an underperforming freak but part of an international brotherhood of APs. I've had a good look through the website and forum. So many things ring true, such as not being able to pee easily when friends and colleagues are around even in a locked cubical. I've discussed it with my wife who was pleased to find out that it's not a medical problem . As for telling someone at work, approiately enough I work with a right bunch of piss takers so I'll keep it to myself. I'm started to try some of the tips and techniques I've seen on the forum like deep breathing, holding on to something for support and humourous distraction for which I'm following a Tommy Cooper feed on twitter. I've got a few question to throw out to the forum. I take a diuretic tablet every morning as part of my blood pressure treatment, whilst I know what these do, I'm not sure how they actually work and wonder whether I should take one before I go to the pub. I normally drink Bacardi and coke but I noticed that coke is not recomended, is there such a thing as a good alcoholic drink for APs? Can anyone recommend any self help videos on you tube? Would being overwieght be a contributing factor?, I'm 6ft and 16.5 stone but reasonably fit. I'm sure I'll think of more but I'm busting for a pee. C ya Bill.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Andrew on 29/8/2012, 3:38 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi Bill

Like your style! Diuretics work by making the kidneys extract more water from the bloodstream. So they do not help you pee, instead its more as if you had drunk more.

Re Coke, its only to do with the caffeine content. Real coffee is the main target, so coke is not a big issue.

Being overweight has nothing to do with it. Remember it is all in the head, often due to a negative experience associated with toilets or peeing.

cheers

Andrew

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Bill C on 29/8/2012, 6:52 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi Andrew I thought that being overwieght might be a factor in the over developed sphincter, lax stomache muscle area. I'm going out with my workmates next friday, so I'm getting into a peeing routine and developing a PMA. Just hope I can maintain it when I've had a few. BTW is going out with a practically empty bladder a good thing or is it better to be ready to pee on arrival at the pub to get things started? Also how much liquid can the bladder hold before the urge to pee begins? Sorry if these seem like silly questions. C ya Bill c

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Karl on 31/8/2012, 9:37 am, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

I've been trying a start/stop method at home because i have this problem there as well as in public as i live in a flat with wafer-thin floors so it's unprivate.This method helps to relax the sphincter.I've wrote on paper the date,and put a tick for a good piss i.e going within about 30secs,and a cross for having difficulty.I've done this the last 3 0r 4 wks and have done really well.I've not tried pissing in public when someone else has bin there but have when i've bin alone and have started and finished before someone has come in.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Andrew on 31/8/2012, 2:02 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi Bill

Not silly questions at all! What would be silly would be not asking them :-)

The amount a bladder can hold is an individual thing. You can test it yourself at home by peeing into a measuring jug. Do it several times to get a range or average.

Re going out; can be either way. What we do recommend is that when you go to a new place, check out the toilet straight away, so that when you need it, the layout does not comes as a surprise

cheers

Andew

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Bill C on 3/9/2012, 7:19 am, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi all thought I'd share a successful day with you. Went to the olympic stadium on saturday with a PMA determined to put in a medal winning peeing performance. 100% success including one in the trough(I was the only one there though). I used the breathe in deep, hold it and breathe out through pursed lips method. I really think finding out that I'm not alone with this problem has helped me a lot. The big test will be when I go out friday with my work mates but where before I would allready be panicing I'm reasonably confident this time. Bill c

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Roy on 3/9/2012, 8:48 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Good on you Bill C I know my last posting painted a rather depressing outlook,but It makes me feel good when others report successes ,let us know he you go on with your night out with the lads.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Mark L on 3/9/2012, 10:25 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Well done Bill, glad you gave it a shot! You're right, the feeling of knowing you're not alone with this and understanding this problem are brilliant assists for overcoming this

Re: Just cant go

Posted by MARK SATTIN on 6/9/2012, 11:52 am, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

I must say well-done at Olympic Park - I have been in there twice and found whole thing very challenging. Not only busy-ness of everywhere, but mainly trough type either Stainless steel, resin, or fibreglass with no dividers - in the main stadium at end of sessions, the men were queing to almost same extent as it appear the ladies were. Shoulder-to-shoulder stuff with guys waiting for a space....

Re: Just cant go

Posted by Bill C on 11/9/2012, 1:41 pm, in reply to "Re: Just cant go"

Hi all just thought I would let you know how I got on last friday. I went out with 4 workmate to 2 pubs. I followed recommended proceedure and checked the toilet in each on arrival and by using my establised routine did'nt have any probs using the cubicle until my last visit of the evening when the toilet was very busy so i did'nt bother. This meant waiting for about an hour till I got home by which time the full on block as described in my first post was starting to take effect. However by calming myself down and using my deep breathing method I got things moving slowly without too much discomfort. I've come to the conclusion that my problem is nowhere near as bad as some on here and to get to use the urinal in close proximity to others is gonna take a lot of help and to be honest as long as I can use a cubicle successfully I'll be happy. Cheers Bill.

Re: Just cant go

Posted by colin on 20/9/2012, 4:27 pm, in reply to "Just cant go"

bill i have had this problem all my life..going back to my teen years..i have become a total recluse because of it..have even stopped going to funerals..thats how bad it is for me.

i have been seeing another councillor(number 9 i think, at this stage), i was fed up of locking myself away..no friends..no social life..no life..i'm 51 now and have missed out on so much happiness..enjoyment of living.

last 2 weeks i have with the help of my councillor, taken this awful problem by the neck and got the courage to do something about it.
have been going to library loo, train station loo, supermarket loo..and standing at urinals going through the motion of making it look like i am peeing..doing this 6 days a week....something i thought i would never do..
i'm a shy quiet introvert type of person..which doesn't help if u have this problem..
i have a long road ahead of me..finally i am doing something about it..getting my life back

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