U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

This Discussion Board is for men who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by LondonGuy on 23/2/2012, 4:27 am

Hi there, I am new here but have realised I have had shy bladder for around 8ish years now (I am in my early 20s) and sometimes I can cope with it but recently it has been frustrating in the extreme!

I cannot usually use a urinal, especially if there are other guys in the toilets. Stalls I am usually fine with, but it is inconvienient to have to use a stall (usually they are dirty, you sometimes have to wait etc etc, some places don't have them!).

If all stalls are occupied and I am forced to use a urinal - I end up just unzipping, standing there, other guys walk in and I panic, and have to either zip up or else stand there and try my best - counting, thinking of maths, song lyrics etc but to no avail!

Also - what about the stadium I went to once with ONLY a HUGE trough urinal! ARGHH! Nightmare!

It is not the fear of someone looking as I couldn't really care less, and I know most guys are not looking anyway!!! I think it started in high/secondary school when I was going to pee and some boys were like ''c'mon mate hurry up haven't got all day'' and fooling around. And I stopped peeing and then they were saying ''are you just standing there mate or what!?''

I am jealous at guys that can just go anywhere! It must make life so much easier! Walk up, unzip, do the business, wash hands out, carry on with life!

Today it took 4 attemps to pee whilst I was out to actually finally relieve myself! Arghh - frustrating!

I don't really have enough money to do those courses, over the yrs some techniques have worked, lately it is becoming worse though - is it because I am thinking of it?

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by john mccrimmon on 23/2/2012, 1:46 pm, in reply to "A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Hi what I do is hold my pee in as long as possible if i'm sitting in a bar

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by Andrew on 23/2/2012, 5:02 pm, in reply to "A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Hi Londonguy

Glad you have found us, and I hope you are finding it useful.

The bottom line is: yes it is because you are thinking about it. Peeing is something that you let happen; you cant make it happen. But thinking about it, and thinking about things that put you off, puts the body into a position of feeling under threat, and that causes the body to shut down its peeing system. Its all explained on our website, see link at top of page

There is so much to explain about paruresis, and about the way to recover from it, that we put it all on the website: so could you go and read up on it there, and then come back with questions. You can do that here on the forum, or by emailing me.

As for the courses (we call them workshops) you do not need money; the UKPT makes sure that anyone can attend a workshop irrespective of financial situation. If you are intereted, email me.

The good news is that you are young, and relatively mildly affected; so one workshop can make a huge difference to you. The other good news is that you do not care about other guys looking, as you know they are not.

So one way forward for you is to look for a spacious quietish public toilet and to go well away from anyone else; allow yourself plenty of time; you need that to allow the spike of anxiety to wear off. Do not set yourself a target to pee; that just puts another pressure on you. Instead say to yourself that you dont care if you pee or not, cos you can leave and try again a few minutes later. And once there think not about peeing, but about what you are going to do next in your daily life.

The idea is to get used to going in "safer" situations, and gradually build up the ante i.e. being closer to other people. And this may take weeks and months. It takes as long as it takes.

Anyway that is a taster for starters, but do read the website.

Cheers

Andrew

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 23/2/2012, 9:08 pm, in reply to "Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Hi LondonGuy,

First off you're in the right place!

You're right Paruresis is frustrating as hell!...I'd rather spend an afternoon eating a candle lit dinner mostly comprising of glass with Madonna while Justin Bieber "serenades" me with a terrible cover of a Bee Gee's song than have a shy bladder and that's saying something!

I'm 21 and have suffered with shy bladder for way too long but I can't tell you enough how much this forum and its members have helped me since I started posting.

It sounds like you're better at this than myself so I'm not going to try and pick some fictitious piece of advise straight out of the ether for you in the hopes that it will help. What I will say though is keep posting!

If there's one thing I know from experience it's that dwelling on these thoughts wont help!

Get them out, Write them down and move on! - Sharing is the key - we're all pretty much in the same boat.

These guys know what they're on about!

L

(also apologies to any Madonna, Bee Gee or *sigh* Justin Bieber fans out there, You know I'm only joking )

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by Julian on 24/2/2012, 2:55 pm, in reply to "A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Hi I'm 53 and have had the problem since I was 12 but maybe earlier. I dont have any problem with nudity/communal showers etc generally i couldnt care less about what anyone thinks about me except being judged on how quickly I can pee and the fear of someone thinking I'm just standing there doing nothing...I'd say you have come to the right place and taking action now is a good thing. Try peeing in urinals when no one is around and then perhaps a few urinals away from someone, Think its all about practice and realising that noone else really cares about what you are doing, it should help you relax. Easier said than done I know but dont go through life missing out on social events etc because of this problem.

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by LondonGuy on 29/2/2012, 1:46 am, in reply to "Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Thanks guys for the advise and everything. It is good to know we are all in the same boat - as when you are out and have to pee and are stood there in front of a few other guys who are coming in and out and you are stood there not going you really feel alone!

I have tried the last week set myself challenges. i have thought to myself ''if I pee great if not - well I can go to another one'' - and have tried to use urinals in quiet toilets.

Most of the time no success and I have had to wait for a stall to become vacant in the end! Embaressing and frustrating to say the least!

BUT yesterday and today I had my iphone in listening to music at the urinal- and I focused my mind on thinking of the ''upcoming lyrics'' and then thinking of the album the song is in and what other songs are on there (I know this sounds REALLY REALLY silly) but it was my attempt to stop worrying and refocus my mind and guess what - I started peeing! It WAS after maybe 3 mins and was a very quiet toilet with noone around but I was relieved I could go! What's more another bloke walked in and whilst I stopped for about 10 seconds I then started again (althought had to like ''push it out'' lol.

I know it sounds just a normal thing, but it made me have more hope and more confidence. This was a really quiet toilet but hopefully when I get more confidence and stop the anxiety I will be able to pee anywhere I need to (well maybe not ANYWHERE but u know!)

Hope you guys are doing alright with it!

Cheers,
LondonGuy

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by Simon on 1/3/2012, 9:26 am, in reply to "Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Hey Mate, Well done! Sounds like you are making some progress! Keep at it!

I think it is definitely a help to have music, or be thinking of a song, or be thinking of anything other than peeing... when you start thinking about it too much, like you said in your first post, thats when you can start to have problems.

People who don't suffer from AP they don't think all day about what they will do when they need to pee. They just notice an urgency, find a toilet and go. Whilst all this is going on they are thinking about work or football or their next holiday or whatever... whereas people with AP are going to work, watching football or planning a holiday and all the while thinking about AP!

You say you are having success in quiet toilets but have you tried busier, bigger places - I find there is less pressure there as there as so many people you are anonymous whereas a in a quiet place if someone comes in it immediately becomes a bit crowded. In the main train stations in London there are normally quite big toilets - I always pop in if I am on route somewhere, even just to stand there and fake it, and I am getting to the point when I can go even if I didn't think i had much urgency...... some times!

Anyway thanks for sharing your progress

Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)

Posted by The Therapist on 15/3/2012, 12:29 am, in reply to "Re: A newbie (frustrated and fed up!)"

Some good advice in the posts above. I would just like to add something about safety behaviours. Safety behaviours are things you do to protect yourself from the thing you fear.Some of mine were watching toilets, wearing flies rather button trousers, drinking alcohol, choosing pubs with few people in etc. I actually had about 20 safety behaviours. Problem is the more safety behaviours you have the worse the pauresis gets. Thats how anxiety disorders work. As you gradually reduce your safety behaviours you will find there are more places you can pee. I now have zero safety behaviours and pee freely anywhere. It did take me 2 years to desensitise though but would have probably been less if I had done the course

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