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UK paruresis trust

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My Plight.....

Posted by Dave S on 29/9/2011, 5:33 pm

Hi all,
I have been visiting this website for some time now, however I have not yet had the courage to come forward and post a message. Reading all your messages has made me realise that I'm not the only person out there who suffers from this because it doesn't half make you feel your the only one sometimes. The earliest I remember having this is in secondary school. I have always been an extremely shy person and sometimes during school I would go the full day without going to the toilet, mainly because at break times it was impossible to go (even in the cubicle) because the toilets were quite a rowdy place and because I was too scared to ask to go during lesson times. Not good I know but that was just how I dealt with that part of my life. I have pretty much gone through the rest of my life with it being kind of a minor annoyance which I could deal with quite well. the only times which I really struggled were when I was out in clubs or pubs with friends but I would always get through it without it being too much of a problem. I didn't really think about it then until I was in the situation where I would have to go. Recently however it has begun to take over my entire life. There's not a moment that goes by now where it isn't on my mind! I can't seem to think about anything else and It's definitely getting harder and harder to go even in locked cubicles. It has got to the point where I have turned down nights out because I feared I wouldn't be able to go when I'm out and even when I do agree to go out I start to worry all week what the toilets are going to be like, especially if its somewhere new. I tell myself that I am normal and that I can beat this thing but at the moment it just seems like an impossible task. I find myself jealous of my friends and other people who can just use a urinal without even thinking about it, I can't even make myself go and stand at the urinal no matter how hard I try and how much I tell myself it will be ok. As soon as I enter the toilets these days my heart starts to beat faster and I can feel the anxiety just taking me over. I am 32 years old now and I have come to a conclusion that I need to get this sorted before it completely swallows me up.

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Gus on 29/9/2011, 6:32 pm, in reply to "My Plight....."

Hello there,
I am 46 now and have had 'Shy Bladder Syndrome' (SBS)for at least... god 30 years - it's only recently I decided to do the Workshop (which I haven't done yet).

I read the de-sensing stuff here ages ago and have practised this - I worked as a courier for a couple of years and that definitely improved my ability to use service station toilets! I'd still find this difficult in some situations though. e.g. arriving when a busy coach party follows you in to the gents, or if travelling with a group of friends.

Where I work currently there are lots of toilets and I practice using one of the two 'bowl' urinals daily. When I'm involved at meetings though sometimes I just sip water instead of gulping down tea as I know my heightened 'performance anxiety' may make it hard to go even if I can get out.

In my youth I always thought of myself as 'different' and for a very long time thought I was alone with this problem. Fortunately though I've always had friends who have let me take my time as it were. When I used to go out drinking always found some pubs easier than others. Sometimes when it was busy I'd go out of the door off down a lane and find a bush rather than brave the toilets after an 'unsuccessful' visit earlier.

Have often wondered on the cause of this in myself and since finding the website and seeing how many other sufferers there are out there I have concluded it is actually quite normal physiologically. When you look at the way cats behave in the company of other strange cats, it's not hard to understand why human beings also suffer some kind of physiological response when thrown into close quarters with others. If anything I believe for a lot of people learning to use a urinal in the company of others is a product of quite a complex conditioning process that 'normal' people take for granted.

In some other cultures they don't even have urinals. I even heard if you are a guest at someone's house in Sweden it's considered rude at a social occasion for a male NOT to sit down to pee after 10pm...

Don't worry about it overly and be kind to yourself.

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Mark L on 30/9/2011, 1:48 am, in reply to "Re: My Plight....."

Hi Dave,

Welcome to the message board. Its good that you've finally decided to do something about this, make sure you have a good read through the main website. The first port of call is to get yourself booked on to a weekend beginners workshop. In the meantime, you can do some de-sensing of your own. There are posts on here with different info about this as well as the main site.

Its a long process, but there's no reason you wont get yourself back to a level where it doesnt bother you everyday. I couldnt go in my own home, up stairs, when my new girlfriend came over and was watching tv downstairs! That was 7 years ago, and now it doesnt stop me from doing anything including flights/clubbing etc.

All the best,

Mark

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Peter Newton on 30/9/2011, 2:56 pm, in reply to "My Plight....."

Hi Dave,

There is nothing new or unusual about your history. Most people with our "problem" can tell the same story, but you do, at least, know that you are not the only sufferer. I am much older than you and went through my whole life, until a few years ago, believing that I alone had this "peculiarity". Imagine my relief at finding this site and the help it has provided.
Take my advice and go to one of the UKPT Workshops as soon as possible. There is absolutely nothing to be scared of and you will be met with complete sympathy and understanding from both the organisers and fellow paruretics. I venture to say you will even enjoy it ! You will certainly come away feeling better about yourself and be equipped to make progress in handling your problems. I myself have ceased to worry about needing the loo when away from home and can usually manage to use a urinal, or in crowded conditions I sometimes am happier in a cubicle. I cannot remember the last time I had a complete lock-up. If this can happen at my age, it can surely happen to a "youngster" like you ! And as a preliminary read Stephen Soiffer's book "Shy Bladder Syndrome" - brilliant.
Good luck,

Pete.

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Dave S on 1/10/2011, 11:54 am, in reply to "Re: My Plight....."

Thank you all for your replies, I certainly appreciate all your comments. I already feel a lot better having got these things off my chest. I am going out tonight and I am already worrying about toilet situations but I am trying hard to think positively about it. I think I will definitely go on one of the workshops in the future, Need to beat this or at least get it to a more manageable stage. Thanks once again guys.

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Mark L on 1/10/2011, 9:32 pm, in reply to "Re: My Plight....."

Dont waste anymore time, book on a workshop asap not in the future! You will kick yourself otherwise when you do finally get on one

If you feel you need some more help in the meantime, or are worrying about a particular event, you can always consider self catheterisation. I went down this route and they have helped me out many times. Quick, easy, slight discomfort but nothing bad atall. Having them in your pocket often reduces anxiety enough to never warrant using them. Let us know if you need more info about this etc.

Mark

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Steve S on 15/10/2011, 3:43 pm, in reply to "Re: My Plight....."

I am 63 and have suffered with this since I was about 19. I have only just come across this site in the last few days, until when I have felt quite alone.
It is encouraging to find out you are actually "normal" in that there are many more like you, and not alone, as you can't talk to your social friends about it in case they think you are some kind of freak.
I find myself at dinners and other social occasions looking around the room to check there are no men getting up from their seats then, at an opportune moment, I almost dash for the door.
I sometimes feel disabled by this, so if there is one, I will go for the disabled loo (eg Prezzo). No-one has asked why yet, but I have a little story in my head that I am suffering from a confidential "man's" problem, which doesn't need explaining.

Re: My Plight.....

Posted by Richard on 17/10/2011, 11:03 pm, in reply to "My Plight....."

Dave,

Well done for admitting to this. It's the first stage in getting yourself sorted out. I've just done a workshop which is the best advice I can give you. There was a time when you could pee in a urinal, and that is the true you. This thing has attached itself to you and you can tell it to get lost, because you can really have control over it. Tell it to get lost and get on a workshop to find out how!

Richard

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