Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 4/2/2012, 10:26 pm

Hi all, I'm a bit late to the party but I've only just found this site and you all seemed really helpful I thought as a milestone on the way to recovery it would be nice to "out my self" or at least talk to others who can relate to the horrific repercussions of having this "curse" as i sometimes see it...or possible defect for the rest of the time. I'm in my early Twenties and have been suffering from this affliction long enough not to remember there ever been a transitional period between been able to go in public and the latter and yet just long enough ago to be able to taunt myself with memories of peeing freely outside in crowded areas as a boy. I have recently had the epiphany that as a twenty something year old, self styled social recluse if something doesn't change soon the prospects for my future are at best dull. At the moment I would consider myself a prisoner of my condition. I have all my faculties about me, I'm good at a whole crap load of things(free time been something I have plenty off) and am (if i don't say my self) am a bloody good looking bloke...all in all I'd have it pretty good if i was a normal person....what is getting me down at the moment is that I could have all the physical prowess of Jean Claude van damn, a mind the size of Albert Einstein's and the social graces of Oscar Wilde and it still wouldn't do me any good if I cant even spend longer than a couple of hours in public without falling into despair because...yep I drank some water half an hour ago? Ridiculous. Sufficed to say I resent having Paruresis with every single fiber of my being. It has driven me emotional depths I didn't couldn't even imagine again and it has been the cause of my day to day dismantlement of the world around me. If I could trade a limb(or two) to be rid of it, at this moment I would gladly part with them in seconds. It's gotten to the point at which its almost anthropomorphized in my head as some evil,horrible entity. Something I'm constantly at war with; the problem is it feels like I'm fending of a battalion of tanks with a pointed stick. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the nonsensical nature of the condition and the fact that sufferers are widely known as "hypochondriacs". I hate how there is no regularity except failure and the constant reminder that once that first pang hits and you feel the urgency rise inside yourself your night is over and you should probably just go home now and and never do this again. A lovely example: The other month (I don't get out socially much anymore) I was sat in the beer garden of my local pub, its gone closing time so theirs no escape to a safe zone (which wouldn't really matter anyway I couldn't go back there to pee twice in the night and I'd already made my visit there earlier today after the first pint I had nursed over 3hrs ago had worked its magic). The place is only relatively full. I suddenly feel the need to pee come on strong and fast (Its always the case?) and decide I'm gonna have to use the bathroom...easy as that ha! [If only that's where the story stopped, it would be boring and pointless but from my perspective a F**king miracle! Sadly this is not the case.] I walk into the bathroom and take in my surroundings. My choices are the cubicle to my left with a broken lock or the urinal? I know I'm not going to try for the urinal so I immediately duck into the cubical wedge my foot up against the bottom of the door and start to panic. "you don't need to pee, you would just rather not leave with out going" I chant to my self (in my head of course haha). This never works. I hurry out into the bathroom, wash my hands, Mutter a few silent curses into the mirror on the wall and then walk out back into the beer garden...if it where in anyway possible I would quite like to headbutt myself at this point. Standing there looking at all the normally functioning people is when the second wave of self disgust usually hits me...It's the irony really, I could laugh if it wasn't happening to me but I don't and it is. Instead this is when I start to really get angry with the condition. you see I could probably wet my self right then and there in front of all those people....I'm holding in pee that I couldn't freely discharge 5 seconds ago because I thought they might hear me from the bathroom and yet now...now I'm sat outside surround by people I'm worried my body might decide its time and I'll just wet myself anyway even though I know it would never be the case if I wanted it to be... Cutting to the chase...I left in a taxi 5 minutes later and left the nice looking girl sat smiling at me from across the other side of the garden wondering what it was that caused me to leave half a pint on the table and hurry off so suddenly. - I'm sorry about the amount of text, it doesn't seem to make a great deal of sense but after writing the first line I found it hard to stop and its only through conscious effort that I'm trying to stop myself now. I guess I don't really know what to expect from posting this here. I suppose I just liked the idea of someone else suffering from this as much as me...no matter how bad that actually sounds in writing and I know it does. lastly thanks! that was allot of pointless (and probably misspelled)text and if I'm honest I could probably keep typing until the sun starts to come up tomorrow morning. I appreciate that you read it, Own experience and advice would be greatly appreciated. L =]

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