U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

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Outing myself...

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 4/2/2012, 10:26 pm

Hi all,

I'm a bit late to the party but I've only just found this site and you all seemed really helpful I thought as a milestone on the way to recovery it would be nice to "out my self" or at least talk to others who can relate to the horrific repercussions of having this "curse" as i sometimes see it...or possible defect for the rest of the time.

I'm in my early Twenties and have been suffering from this affliction long enough not to remember there ever been a transitional period between been able to go in public and the latter and yet just long enough ago to be able to taunt myself with memories of peeing freely outside in crowded areas as a boy.

I have recently had the epiphany that as a twenty something year old, self styled social recluse if something doesn't change soon the prospects for my future are at best dull.

At the moment I would consider myself a prisoner of my condition. I have all my faculties about me, I'm good at a whole crap load of things(free time been something I have plenty off) and am (if i don't say my self) am a bloody good looking bloke...all in all I'd have it pretty good if i was a normal person....what is getting me down at the moment is that I could have all the physical prowess of Jean Claude van damn, a mind the size of Albert Einstein's and the social graces of Oscar Wilde and it still wouldn't do me any good if I cant even spend longer than a couple of hours in public without falling into despair because...yep I drank some water half an hour ago?

Ridiculous.

Sufficed to say I resent having Paruresis with every single fiber of my being. It has driven me emotional depths I didn't couldn't even imagine again and it has been the cause of my day to day dismantlement of the world around me. If I could trade a limb(or two) to be rid of it, at this moment I would gladly part with them in seconds. It's gotten to the point at which its almost anthropomorphized in my head as some evil,horrible entity. Something I'm constantly at war with; the problem is it feels like I'm fending of a battalion of tanks with a pointed stick.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the nonsensical nature of the condition and the fact that sufferers are widely known as "hypochondriacs". I hate how there is no regularity except failure and the constant reminder that once that first pang hits and you feel the urgency rise inside yourself your night is over and you should probably just go home now and and never do this again.

A lovely example: The other month (I don't get out socially much anymore) I was sat in the beer garden of my local pub, its gone closing time so theirs no escape to a safe zone (which wouldn't really matter anyway I couldn't go back there to pee twice in the night and I'd already made my visit there earlier today after the first pint I had nursed over 3hrs ago had worked its magic).

The place is only relatively full.

I suddenly feel the need to pee come on strong and fast (Its always the case?) and decide I'm gonna have to use the bathroom...easy as that ha!

[If only that's where the story stopped, it would be boring and pointless but from my perspective a F**king miracle! Sadly this is not the case.]

I walk into the bathroom and take in my surroundings. My choices are the cubicle to my left with a broken lock or the urinal? I know I'm not going to try for the urinal so I immediately duck into the cubical wedge my foot up against the bottom of the door and start to panic.

"you don't need to pee, you would just rather not leave with out going" I chant to my self (in my head of course haha). This never works. I hurry out into the bathroom, wash my hands, Mutter a few silent curses into the mirror on the wall and then walk out back into the beer garden...if it where in anyway possible I would quite like to headbutt myself at this point.

Standing there looking at all the normally functioning people is when the second wave of self disgust usually hits me...It's the irony really, I could laugh if it wasn't happening to me but I don't and it is. Instead this is when I start to really get angry with the condition. you see I could probably wet my self right then and there in front of all those people....I'm holding in pee that I couldn't freely discharge 5 seconds ago because I thought they might hear me from the bathroom and yet now...now I'm sat outside surround by people I'm worried my body might decide its time and I'll just wet myself anyway even though I know it would never be the case if I wanted it to be...

Cutting to the chase...I left in a taxi 5 minutes later and left the nice looking girl sat smiling at me from across the other side of the garden wondering what it was that caused me to leave half a pint on the table and hurry off so suddenly.

- I'm sorry about the amount of text, it doesn't seem to make a great deal of sense but after writing the first line I found it hard to stop and its only through conscious effort that I'm trying to stop myself now.

I guess I don't really know what to expect from posting this here. I suppose I just liked the idea of someone else suffering from this as much as me...no matter how bad that actually sounds in writing and I know it does.

lastly thanks! that was allot of pointless (and probably misspelled)text and if I'm honest I could probably keep typing until the sun starts to come up tomorrow morning. I appreciate that you read it,

Own experience and advice would be greatly appreciated.

L =]

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Andrew on 5/2/2012, 9:17 am, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hi Cap

Just a quick one before I dash out. Keep writing! It does all make sense. Do keep writing - this is what the forum is for: unload it all. Firstly, everything you are saying is bang on target; and secondly you can now use the UKPT, and what it offers, to move forward and start dismantling the shackles you are burdened with.

Best

Andrew

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by TeeJay on 5/2/2012, 9:37 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt Capricious.
From own experience: You talk about a 'second wave of self disgust' Having paruresis doesn't make you a bad person just unlucky-it sounds like it's difficult enough without you berating yourself if you can possibly avoid it.
It sounded like a real high pressure situation you described.You've probably thought of all these things but what about: a different pub-with better toilets? Assuming that you can sometimes go in pub toilets-why not go before you get less desperate? Why not try sitting down? Is there a pub nearby (to the pub you were in) you could stroll to instead?with mobile phones and smoking outside pubs it seems much more acceptable for people to wander off from their mates when they're out these days so could you take advantage of that? My general advice would be if you can find some 'coping meachanisms' that work for you (i.e.mean you can pee when you're out) don't feel it's some kind of failure to use them.And keep in touch with this site-it will help you.

bw

TeeJay

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Simon on 5/2/2012, 11:12 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Captain
That was very well written I must say. I enjoyed reading it as I could relate to it. Just remember you are not the only person who experiences this 'condition'. I was out over the weekend and busting, went into the toilets there was just one cubical, occupied w/ a queue and a few urinals (no queue). I tried to use the urinal but couldn't go.... i didn't mind though. I just went out and went back in 5 minutes later.
Just tell people you have a week bladder, or you keep needing to piss/you need a shit. After a while you will see no one cares! There's a lot of people out there in the same boat just don't beat yourself up about it .

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Roy on 6/2/2012, 11:06 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt.
There will be thousands of us out there that has read your tale of woe,a few wil respond but by the very nature of this affliction the vast majority will just read it and agree that is how they feel inside.The anger that they feel against themselves when failing to do what is described as a natural bodily function you have described in your account very vividly.
Andrew does excellent weekends where fellow sufferers can meet up and learn to overcome these unhelful thoughts.I myself cannot overcome it even after two weekends ,perhaps I've had this problem too long (50 years),but you are only young and by attending you have a good chance of improvement.
You talk of only being able to exist on the outside for about 4 hours without having to dash home to relieve yourself.This is what goes through most sufferers minds,going out,how long,can I hold out?Unfortunately by holding the urine in (symptoms excessive sweating eyes feeling that they are bulging) damage can be done to the renal system,as well as feeling awful,my bladder muscles seem to be now weakened by withholding.So what I've done is to use self catheterisation,doesn't matter if theres no lock on cubical,just insert the tube and the bladder empties,guaranteed every time even if the yobs are banging on the door.This is not a cure ,and it is a poor substitute for what Andrew advocates but hey its broadened my horizons and allowed me to get out into that big world and enjoy myself.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Mark L on 7/2/2012, 10:40 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt.

Thanks for coming on here and sharing, you can never write too much on here

Roy - I wouldnt think self catheterisation as a poor substitute for a workshop, it is merely another means of coping. Iv used them in the past, and still take some with me (for clubbing) and they have been a life saver. Techniques from the workshops can still be applied, its just the caths are there for that extra help as and when.

Mark

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Roy on 8/2/2012, 9:05 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Point taken Mark L , its just such a shame that all the thousands reading this forum should be put off by the thought of self catheterisation (its not painful its just the thought of actually pushing the tube into the penis)and will endure the searing pain of an overfilled bladder for hours which eventually tends to reduce their social life.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Mark L on 8/2/2012, 9:57 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Yes it is very daunting, but to be honest once you get used to it its not too bad atall. They are a useful tool to reduce anxiety, ie, having them in your pocket gives you a 100% garunteed chance of going, thus relaxing you and often not needing to actually use it

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 10/2/2012, 12:15 am, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hey All,

First off thanks for all your replies it honestly means allot to know that there are people out there that can relate to the sinister comedy that is going the bathroom in public!

Apologies for such a long wait on a reply I have been very busy as of late.

I'll be honest I have my good days and bad days and it seems 04/02/12 was a bad day. You'll be happy to know that I'm not usually so bleak.

Of course it goes without saying that everything I wrote was true enough at the time and will be again on many occasions in the future. I suppose that will all ways be a large part of me as long as this is a problem.It's a constant reminder that my subconscious is p***ed off at me; but for some thing only it knows...I'm sure I don't need to write the joke here.

It's molded me into a Dr.Jekyll-esque character who's moods are as irrational as the same condition that causes them.

This to my relief is a good day!

I have just finished my first week in a new job. Yes...Three day weekend the toilets there are not the best in the world but there are a damn sight better than allot of places. First there is a coded door I enter which takes me into a small corridor that leads to only one other brown wooden door.The corridor is filled with tin filling cabinets. Files and various bits of stationary piled up high on the top of "cold storage" boxes overflowing against the glass partition wall that the door sits inside. Once in the corridor you face right (its a small corridor) and walk through a standard wooden door that leads into the locker room. The locker room is filled wall to wall with lockers that look like they are from the 1920's and made of the same tin as the filing cabinets. It's a horrible grey. Dull and tarnished presumably by the many years they could have been stood there. The absence of windows and only a small lamp in the ceiling has resulted in the shadows here taking a firm hold of this tiny box room.

This is not a place like to spend time. I already love it.

Hidden between the lockers is a white door that leads into a cupboard of a room that barely fits the toilet inside it. Its completely covered in small white embossed tiles and if it wasn't for the much appreciated small window (not frosted but high up on the wall) this room would almost look like an enamel padded cell.

I know the place meticulously and almost felt like a spy or assassin assessing the room. Looking for surprise points of entry, counting to see how long the pause was between footsteps outside the window where and waiting inside the cubical to ascertain how loud others voices where when talking near the door.

[I'm going to try and lead this back toward a more relevant topic now.]

I only mention the wait inside the cubical because I have found through various experiments that noise is a big factor for me.
Its a mixture of:

1) Feeling uncomfortable about urinating while I can still here noises that just don't really fit. I really can't find the best way to describe this other than most of the sounds that don't fit; would in a living room. I'm sorry. I'm well aware that makes no sense.

2) Other people hearing me or rather not hearing me. During awkward silences, when the the internal monologue running starts to become relentlessly cruel and the war between yourself and your body starts to reach its peak time suddenly swallows me whole and seconds become eons.

Does anybody have any ideas on how to combat this? Is anyone suffering from the same thing? Is that a stupid question to ask?

If I'm honest. I'm not sure.

There are loads of things that I would like to write down here and it doesn't really feel like I actually said anything yet but sadly its nearly midnight and I would like to sleep before tomorrow.

Andrew - I would like to say though thanks for such a swift response it's nice to know how committed the ukpt are.

TeeJay - Thanks for your ideas I have had a few of them my self but often find allot of them easier said than done. Its very hard to just walk away from my friends at the start of the night with out them inquiring where you're going. Usually so they can grab me a beer if I'm heading to the bar because "I haven't seen friend X in ages!" - because of the obvious. I think I may do a personal survey of all the pubs in town hopefully there is one that I can persuade the group to move to that has fairly adequate bathrooms.

Simon - Mate you are a genius i have been so wrapped up in hoping people don't notice that I am frequenting the bathrooms so often that it never occurred to me to just say i have a weak bladder. Just been able to take the heat off a little seriously helps. It's only sad that on the other end of the spectrum a bladder that doesn't hold urine well enough is completely socially exceptable.

Roy - I can see where you are coming from with the catheter idea. If I knew I could all ways go then I might just be able to go anyway. However if I'm finding that the pain is becoming unbearable I will normal sit down on the toilet. I'm not sure why but I have much higher success rate with this. At the moment this will suffice. This early into the journey of trying to rid myself of Paruresis to use a catheter would feel like defeat. However already I can think of thousands of occasions my day could have been saved so simply.

Mark L - As above i agree that catheters should be a last resort but i don't think its one I will turn towards in the near future...although who knows.

As with the first post thank you for reading all the way to the bottom. Its your free time.

L

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Simon on 10/2/2012, 10:19 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt. Regarding the 'weak bladder', that is an idea that is inspired from what Andrew teaches on the workshop - one technique is to have a story in your mind - so if someone asks why you used the cubicle, or why you are standing at a urinal but not peeing, you have a response... the funny thing is since doing the workshop maybe 2 years ago now I haven't had to use the story. it is more a confidence thing... which leads me to my next point - you say a weak bladder is socially acceptable but what makes you think a shy bladder is not socially acceptable?
going on to the noises thing - this bothers most of us i think. again it is something andrew talks about on the workshop...
the workshop is definitely the best step if you want to understand and face your paruresis.

on a slightly different note, you say you think your subconscious is pissed with you... stress, adrenaline and anxiety are addictive - chemicals are released when you get stressed and your body becomes accustomed to this state of being. so to begin with you try to pee and then get stressed, but after a while - like pavlov's dog - the thought of needing to pee in the future creates a fear and releases the chemicals - so the first thing i think is to notice, observe these feelings and learn to let go of this anxiety - lose the stigma of believing not being able to pee is 'socially unacceptable'... and then take it from there.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 11/2/2012, 11:26 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hey Simon,

Your input is really helpful. I appreciate it.

I think I'd get allot out of one of Andrew's workshops but as someone who can't really go a few hours outside I don't see how I would be able to cope with a whole weekend in Manchester.

Having a reason in advance would take a little bit of the edge off going into a cubical but what is an acceptable excuse as to why you aren't urinating when the guy who is stood next to you looks left and noticing you can't pee asks mockingly "you just here for the ambiance then mate?"...

I can definitely relate to you talking about how the body could become addicted to the symptoms of stress and anxiety. I have on many occasions noticed a pattern occurring just as I notice that I need to go. Think of me as "far out" but I have thought about maybe learning how to meditate so i could desensitize my self to the anxiety for example:

I'm sat in a beer garden (yes I know this is a recurring theme but it's not through choice I just live in a place that is only Pubs and Banks) and I notice that I have to urinate. Instantly my body goes into panic mode - it's here where I would start to mediate (for those of you with visions of me cross legged on top a picnic table reciting "ommm" I'm sorry to disappoint you but I doubt this will be the case).

I wouldn't need to go I would just be happy to get as much practice doing something like that so that in the future maybe I can reset my bodies "fight or flight" hard coding when I realize I need to pee.

Coming back into more relevant territories...

In answer to your question Simon I consider shy bladder to be less socially acceptable because I suffer from it. There are of course other issues I have with it as I'm sure you all do. We've all had a long time to catalog the reasons why we hate Paruresis. For me the big thing about the social side of it is that a weak bladder is just your body doing something too regularly. Nothing is happening that doesn't happen to anybody else. It's just happening more regularly.

Where as a shy bladder causes and event in which nothing happens. There is a stigma attached to it and there's always a good chance that you're the only one to suffer from it in the whole building. No one can relate to it as it is not normal and so it is less socially acceptable.

I know - I know.

I shouldn't care what other people think is socially acceptable but isn't that what this whole thing is about?

If I could stop living inside my head all the time. Stop trying to constantly judge every single face,calculate reactions, Read minds. I'm sure I wouldn't have this problem to start with.

At least I have an angle of attack. I'm not sure if it's the same with yourself but with Paruresis I often find that its not find the solution that's the hard part but implementing it.

I have a thousand ideas on how to beat this thing and yet every time I feel the urge to urinate when in public I let it beat me with out even trying to go. Already defeated without trying I retreat into the the last bastion of hope that is holding it in until finally after wave upon wave of what seems like sometime endless, hopeless struggle against yourself the end comes...

...and I end up in a taxi on the way home. hahaha

It's hard to stay mad sometimes with a condition as full of irony as ours. One of those "I laughed because if it didn't.." kind of things. Such an epic struggle against your own essence and yet such a seemly easy and simple thing to overcome.

Silly really...sometimes.

Again it seems as if I've lead myself off on some semi-relevant tangent. This board does this to me. I'm sorry Simon, I'll buy you a beer if we chance to meet at one of Andrew's work shops to make up for it...although probably feel bad because as good gestures go I suppose a diuretic isn't the best present for someone with a shy bladder! hahaha

(also a side note does anybody know when the next beginners meeting is in Manchester?)

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Andrew on 12/2/2012, 3:01 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt

”I don't see how I would be able to cope with a whole weekend in Manchester.”
You would be in a hotel with your own room i.e. your own safe place. Secondly we are experienced in dealing with severe cases: no-one is dropped in the deep end; in contrast, you decide a safe set up and start from there. You would be in your hotel bedroom’s bathroom, and I would be wherever you what me – on a different floor if you want, with no time limit. How does that sound?

” when the guy who is stood next to you looks left and noticing you can't pee asks mockingly "you just here for the ambiance then mate?"... “
Standing next to someone is a long way up a hierarchy: we advise guys to have an aim to get comfortable with there being an unoccupied urinal between them and anyone else. There is lots of evidence that “normal” guys prefer that anyway. As for that crass comment, has it actually happened to you, or is it your Boo Monster winding you up? If it did, an answer like “so I’ve got problems with my waterworks, why are you looking?” No seriously we are in fantasy land here.

"Instantly my body goes into panic mode". This is where we teach Thought Stoppage – look on the website.... It’s a simple technique to stop you from catastrophising.

"There is a stigma attached to it and there's always a good chance that you're the only one to suffer from it in the whole building. No one can relate to it as it is not normal and so it is less socially acceptable."
I mentioned it to a taxi driver as to why I was going on the train; he just said “I think there’s a lot of it about “. Feedback from guys who tell a friend or family member is that about one time in three, the listener will say either that they know what you are on about, or know someone who is affected to some degree.

"If I could stop living inside my head all the time. Stop trying to constantly judge every single face, calculate reactions, Read minds. I'm sure I wouldn't have this problem to start with."
Guys who are socially self-conscious can be more easily affected. Try looking to the horizon and defocusing; this helps you to stop clocking faces; very restful.

"I have a thousand ideas on how to beat this thing and yet every time I feel the urge to urinate when in public I let it beat me with out even trying to go. Already defeated without trying I retreat into the last bastion of hope that is holding it in until finally after wave upon wave of what seems like sometime endless, hopeless struggle against yourself the end comes... "
That is because you are trying to go in at a higher level of challenge than you can presently cope with. You need to put some time aside and to work out a safe starting point, and start from there. This is where the workshop is ideal, because you are totally in control of everything.

(also a side note does anybody know when the next beginners meeting is in Manchester?)

Probably September; is London in May not possible?

Andrew

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 15/2/2012, 10:02 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Andrew,

I will be coming to the one in May. I have decided. I will. I don't know how yet but I need to.

I broke down on Monday...it lasted two days this time.

I believe the 4th of February was the day I started to unravel. It was the first time I had openly expressed to strangers (or anyone really for that matter) how much of my life this "curse" had consumed.

I think that was for the best though.

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I felt as though I had actually acknowledged my Paruresis as something that was a condition and not just a permanent defect. I spent the first week letting myself know all the things in my life I had voluntarily passed by and or sabotaged as a result of just been afraid to pee.

Sufficed to say the list was a long and pathetic one. This sudden realization of something that I had already known anyway crushed me. I don't know how you can realize something twice but I did.

I felt like I was struggling to take the last dying gasps of a man who had all ready been swallowed by the quick sand...I knew my plight but there was nothing I could do now.

I know this is and I am a dramatic person but I really can't explain how I was feeling. There are no words. There never will be.

Any way. On Sunday I was having serious thoughts about ending it all...what is the point you know. The life I live is the one forced onto people in jail...constant and unrelenting isolation.

It had really - Really got to me.

I didn't kill my self nor will. Trust me. (or maybe I did and I'm just haunting you all? ). Instead I woke up Monday morning and had a seizure...Yay!(Never had them before. I think it was stress).

Long story short....an ambulance takes me to A&E where I am prodded,pricked like a pin cushion and then told "you may not leave until we receive a urine sample".

I went on my second try. Admittedly I had to ask a very nice (yet not quite so understanding) nurse to take me to a bathroom that met my very strict requirements on the second attempt....and then to go away.

Afterwards as I looked into a large jug of my own urine walking back over to the ward I had two realizations:

1) Why was I looking into my own wee so intently surely this isn't normal? haha

2) I had done it! someone had asked me to pee and I had because it was important that I did so. Second try yes but I did it!

This got me thinking. If I had no house for a week...if I forced myself outside every time I need a pee I would not physically be able to hold it in indefinitely there WOULD be a point in time in which I would piss myself - There would. I would die if not.

With this crude yet effective bit of knowledge I realized that it might only be a case of "time * pressure = cure"

This oddly enough was my light at the end of the tunnel. I think that's very important.

If you can't remember a time u succeeded you may as well never had.

I went home that day feeling something similar to triumphant but definitely not quite there. Better than the previous day I suppose.

I woke up Tuesday and had my second wave.

I am not ashamed one bit to say that I was on the floor in the fetal position balling my eyes out. I don't know why but I was. I got out of the shower, put on my work clothes on and just had a complete and utter emotional melt down.

I am however ashamed at telling you the second part of my morning episode.

In fact ashamed isn't even the word to think back on it if I could crawl into my memory of that day and beat myself half to death I would without a seconds thought...and what's more would deserve it.

Upon finding me; a sobbing wreck on her landing floor. my mother (who was only trying to help) asks me "what's up?"

[She didn't/doesn't understand the hold it had on me, I had told her before in the past but no one can until they experience it them selves.]

Hearing this I blew up...I don't know why - I really don't. But I did....Big time.

I stood up and walking towards the bathroom forced my fist through the door and kept doing it. It looked like Swiss cheese. When I no longer had any purchase for my fists I just ripped the thing of the wall. I kicked plaster of the walls. and then moved on the the next door.

My hands were bleeding everywhere and she pointed this out (obviously she didn't want me to wreck the carpet it's understandable) so I spat on it (the floor) again no idea why.

I was in a F**king Frenzy. With the flesh half torn from my knuckles and the realization that I had little to no more energy left to throw my fists I walked into my room to grab what ever I could find...turns out it was a screw driver first.

I forced this shockingly (I really didn't think I had the strength for half of this?) like a knife straight through one of the wooden panels in my bedroom door. Exhausted, frustrated and oddly humiliated at the fact that I couldn't pry it out again I turned around picked up the house plant sitting on my desk and propelled it straight across the room narrowly missing the window; the pot shattering against the wall into a million tiny pieces....this was me.

I was in pieces too.

I slumped down onto the floor and began to sob again....I don't know how long i was there for but it seemed like hours.

I terrified my mother.I didn't put a single finger on her(only a coward would) but what I did was just as bad I completely terrified her when she was trying to help me. She does understand, something I am eternally grateful for but the matter of the fact is: my problems have started to become problems for the ones I love and for that I am utterly ashamed.

I'm sure you don't really want to read all this but it is the defining reason as to why I have started to take an interest in getting better and I thought that was important to share.

L

On a separate slightly lighter note, is there any information I can take to the doctors with me to explain what Paruresis is? I had an appointment today although the doctor admitted she had no idea what Paruresis is and upon looking on the NHS database of knowledge could only find a link to this site....I think this is a very good reflection of how under appreciated this is as a condition by the world in general....If you don't step outside into the outside world and scream and shout no one ever takes notice, sadly this is exactly the thing we can't do.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Andrew on 16/2/2012, 8:04 am, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt

To say I am reading a lot of pain here is an understatement. If it is any help I too have been in the foetal position, not due to paruresis, but having been sacked and gone for six interviews in a week for more junior positions, i received the sixth rejection letter. The future opened up as a large black hole..and that did it for me.

I think from what you have written, for me as for you, it was rock bottoom, there was no further to go down, and so it was up from there on.

So well done for deciding to make the next workshop. You dont know how you will do it? you will do it with our help and guidance OK?

Re info to show the GP: email me at the support address at the top of the page, and I can send you the UKPT brochure, plus some other helpful info re GPs and catheters.

It may help to realise that there are others who have been through what you have: the utter despair and self-loathing. They have been able to move forward from that position so you can too.

One of the things you can do now is to move forward by faking it: look on our website on the page for Components of a CBT based Approach for the section on Faking. Then get back to me as necessary. With a helper you can get moving on this.

Remember to email re brochure

cheers

Andrew

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Simon on 16/2/2012, 11:36 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt.
Sounds like you've had a rough week! I have been there. Got scars to prove it and cracks in the doors!

I remember one day seeing something about paruresis on GMTV (or similar) a few years ago. I broke down at that point. 1. because there was someone on TV willing to talk about their condition when I had never told a soul. 2. discovering there was a lot of people with the condition and also people able to help. 3. deciding i was going to go on a workshop. 4. the realisation that paruresis had effected me - as in the past i had been running from it, but at that point I decided to face it head on.

Several times I would walk away from a urinal beaming with a smile. For most people peeing is a routine thing, but like you said you need these successes as memories. And so you want to congratulate yourself, it is a relief also when you go in there not knowing if you can pee but you walk out having done so.
Slowly, over a couple of years I have built up more and more successes and the things that paruresis stopped me from doing are no longer such big issues. I go out more, I drink less, I'm healthier and happier, more confident.

I am pleased to write these things and hope to encourage you, show you that it is possible to be better, because I like to remind myself how far I have come, hope to make sense of it all, and because like most people I'm a decent person and care about my fellow man.

Most people who would ask 'why aren't you pissing?' or 'why are you using a cubical?', most of them are children and they ask because they don't know. Maybe you're the first person they've seen with paruresis. But in the last few years I have noticed lots of people use cubicals, I'm sure lots of people also can't pee sometimes when they are at the urinals.
I often go in and stand at a urinal and 'fake it'. A lot of the time I need a piss but can't go. It does not matter to me anymore if that happens. I just keep relaxed and if necessary go away and come back again a bit later.
Just don't try to run before you can walk. Some toilets are more AP friendly than others - start of with the easy ones.. And take your time. But believe it can and will get better.

You talked before about meditation. I think it is good in general. Will it cure paruresis? I don't know. I think the workshop is the best treatment.
But meditation is good for the spirit. When you first meditate, as you clear your mind, you experience 'upheaval' - can be painful memories, feelings of guilt/shame/grief - this is things coming to the surface that your subconscious has been burying for years.... I think it is a similar thing when people cry or lash out. But it is a beneficial stage because once you have dealt with these feelings, come to accept them (I don't want to get into philosophy or spirituality but in meditation they would teach you to observe thoughts/emotions but not hold on to them - i feed sad, i feel happy, i feel angry - and it does fit in with thought stoppage and 'the boo monster'.....) but anyway I hope you are feeling more positive now and I wish you all the best

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Cpt. Capricious on 22/2/2012, 10:04 pm, in reply to "Re: Outing myself..."

Hi Guys,

First off thanks for the continued support I can't tell you how much it means to me that other people out there that I have never even met are so willing to lend a helping hand. You're all good people. I really appreciate it.

Sorry for such a late reply but it seems I had a bit of an emotional relapse. I don't have the scar's to prove it like yourself Simon...but I gave a hell of a lot of drivers a scare on Saturday and I now have a cabinet full of "magical pills" (that I certainly wont be taking...I want a cure not a soma holiday!) and the joy of been added to the top of the list for psychiatric therapy.

I have to say that I have to agree with you Andrew when you say there is no where but up once you hit rock bottom, its a very reassuring feeling that you can't get any lower - almost liberating (in a morose way). It's given me allot of confidence.

I have decided to go to war with my Paruresis, I am literally going to do everything I can to combat it until I (and not my bladder) have control of my life again...I know that's easier said than done but this rings true for most things worth doing and this definitely is!

So far other than start saving up for May's workshop though I have run out of ideas so this is where you guys come in.

Can anybody give me any examples of things they do to fight this thing I don't need life changing solutions (although they would be nice ) but anything - literally anything that will help me.

I know this post was a short one but if I'm honest; today I'm in a good place and unfortunately that seems to kill my writing bug.

Thanks again guys!

L

(p.s I have heard both Simon and Andrew use the term "Boo Monster" can someone do me a favor and let me in on what this is? hahaha)

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Ronnie on 23/2/2012, 4:27 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hi Cpt. C, it sounds like this has got to you really badly, and I'm sure like many others my heart goes out to you. A lot of us will recognise the feelings you're obviously going through, even if our personal responses have not usually been so dramatic as the events you've been coping with.

I think it's great you're so committed to doing something about it. I wish I had done that at your age, rather than leaving it until I was much older. The only thing I'd suggest is to take it fairly gently, and be kind to yourself. Don't feel you need to win the war all at once, if some days you win a little battle, that's great, and if other times things don't turn out so well, it's not the end of the world.

I think one thing many of us have learned has been really important. For us, this problem has taken on a huge significance in our lives, and we judge ourselves, often very negatively, on our success or failure in peeing in company. And we think others are going to judge us on the same basis. The fact is, to the great majority of people, it's unimportant, they don't give the subject any thought, and if they do find out about it, they don't think any less or more of you, they just think, "So what?" Ok, some might have a bit of a laugh about it, but that's a pretty standard response, at least in the UK, to anyhting to do with 'toilet' matters. They don't think it defines you as a person, they don't think it diminishes you to some pathetic category of human being. Very often, people feel sympathy and a bit positive about you that you've 'suffered in silence' and coped with something that obviously distresses you so much. I've found knowing that has been a great comfort, and has helped me a lot to put it into perspective. I hope it will help you too, next time you're experiencing the desperate self-loathing.

Now, you're asking for specific things to do. Andrew and others are much better placed to advise you than me, I'm just a novice recoverer in this field, but I would for sure recommend you get hold of and read the Steven Soifer book. Even share it with other people you trust, such as your Mum. It gives a lot of helpful background, and contains a lot of advice on practical things you can start to try. It's not expensive, and available in the UK from Amazon (as I type this, they've only 3 left in stock):

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shy-Bladder-Syndrome-Step---step/dp/1572242272/

However, more than anything, I'd say, get yourself to the workshop as soon as you can. In the meantime, good luck, and stay cool if you can!

Ronnie

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Sanjay on 4/8/2012, 7:41 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

Hi, I am from India and just found out this website. I was also unaware of this until the age of 24 and now when I have found about it I have started a war against it.
I discussed it to my 3-4 friends recently and I am not going to stop. I also got a relief after I knew that I am not alone who is having this ####ed up life.
I tried to remember my childhood which might have caused it. And yes I remember some incidents which I think could be the reason behind it. Now after I know this what else should I do?
For you I think you should sleep well in time, it is not the time to write about paruresis when the Sun is going to come after the sleep.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by colin on 22/9/2012, 5:11 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

i'm 51 now and am only now starting to fight this awful problem...have it since my teens...last 2 weeks, with the help of a caring councillor.. i have been going to different locations/toilets..library..supermarket..train station. i go straight to urinal..stand there as if i am peeing..not peeing but getting used to being in that awful situation.
after so many years of avoidance.. the feelings that u go through are awful, sweating, thinking,staring at the wall. but it has to be done if i am to get my life back.
don't wait as long as i have..talk to someone/councillor/psychologist. took me a long time to find someone that i am comfortable with.
ihave always been shy, quiet, introvert, which doesn't help if u have this awful problem.
i thought i would never stand at a urinal..but i have..i have a long road ahead of me..i have taken the first steps to getting my life back.

Re: Outing myself...

Posted by Fireman Adam on 2/11/2012, 12:57 pm, in reply to "Outing myself..."

I love the way you put your first post captain.. Im sure we all feel that way.. hugs dude.

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