U.K. PARURESIS TRUST: I think this thing officially has ruined my life.

Hi I'm Mark and 35 years old, I've lived with this problem for as long as I can remember, but only became a real issue when I was 18 and started to go out with mates. Before that I could manage going the whole day without peeing at school and college, just didn't drink much. But when I started going out it became a huge burden. I have never peed ever at a urinal and no I never could. I can sometimes manage now in a cubicle but if its just 1 cubicle and busy outside or I've left it too long, which I do so many times cause of the annoyance I get and feel when its a wasted journey, Many a time I've gone and sat there and just nothing, squeezing for my all to get something out whilst my stomach is almost bursting. I've sometimes stood up in such frustration and punched my stomach and penis, sounds mad I know but its just so annoying cause to go out again knowing you can't try again for ages or your mates will know you cannot of gone at all last time and think I'm odd. I hate anyone else I know in the toilets, god that's the worst, I have to always say I'm got a bad stomach and head for the cubicle, I know some of them must think I'm a right oddball who's always got bad guts.

I once went to Australia and never went to the toilet for 24 hours, god that was probably the worst pain I've ever known, but every time I did try , nothing wanted to even trickle out. when I did go in my hotel I must of peed for 5 mins none stop, it was unreal.

This problem has stopped me ever finding love, I've completely given up on that game, I'm shy as it is around women but when I've had some drink I do become more chatty but its wasted because all I can think about is not what can I say to this girl, cause the pain is so much and so intense all i can think about is when I can go try and pee again and watching the toilets all the time to check on people I know going in and generally if its a busy toilet in general. It completely ruins my night later on when the good things should be happening and I should be enjoying myself like my mates do. God it must be so great to be them, I envy them so much, they don't realize how terrible life could be with this problem completely taking over their night.

Another bad example I've had was festivals, I loved music and still do and in the early days I used to go to Reading festival, well god that was a test for me, so bad, I couldn't go when I'm being made to go quickly, too much pressure with the queue. I used to hold so much pee in, it just couldn't of been healthy, Used to have a full days pee in my all day with numerous attempts failed at the portoloo to try and go, drinking the best part of the afternoon and night with pints, but nothing came out, all I could think about is that person waiting next outside thinking, come on this person cause they wanted to go, whats taking him so long, and with this in my mind, zilce peeing for me then, hurrah, so off I trot again with my jeans almost breaking a button cause my bladder was so massive. I in the end had to wait for my mates to be asleep in the tent and be really late so not many would be in a queue at the loos, why couldn't you simply go outside like all the other men at night, it is dark for god sake, everyone surely can do this, not me though, no if my mind tells me someone might of seen me, someone might be watching and thinking , that guys taking a long time to pee, then just nothing and well no real point in trying outside.

A more recent event was a wedding a week ago, now I dread anything like this nowadays cause I simply know it's going to be a nightmare, a sure true to form my bladder doesn't let me down and gives me another hellish time. first try and nothing happened, needed to go after about 5 hours since I had my pee before I left the house, but no it wasn't having any of it, just sat down, it wasn't too busy , I did hear a mate outside talking to someone else but I probably wouldn't of gone anyway. next try and a slight trickle happened, oh joy, a tiny bit of release this was about 5pm and I know I had the night do with, oh so many more people going to be coming. The toilets was 2 cubicles but not a door that went to the bottom of the floor so you heard everything, to escape awkward situations in busy toilets of that dreaded moment when the cubicles are occupied and you have to either stand awkwardly outside or simply walking back out I tend to avoid busy toilets altogether and just hold it in and put up with the agony.

I've just come to the point, this really is no life I've living, it has truly taken me over, spoiled nearly every social event I've ever had and well I don't think it's an exaggeration to say has ruined my whole life. I know people have missing limbs and have to deal with such worse disorders that go wrong with the human body and I'm in no way putting myself close to what some people put up with and remain positive. I just am so sick of not being able to pee it makes me so sad and depressed. I have always had this frame of mind, I've got this but I'm not going to let it stop me going out and to be fair I've always thought, I'll go out and deal with whatever happens when it happens, always hoping I'll find a nice quiet toilet to go in, one pee whilst I'm out can be enough for me to have a relatively good time, the pubs at the end of the night are always the bad ones as my mates like to go to the busy ones and they usually have toilets that are just not worth even attempting, so its the end of the night I just become well boring I guess, cause the ache in my bladder now is so bad I', at a level I just have to say I'm off home, whilst they have a great end of the night, I'm probably seen as the boring git who goes home early and can't handle his drink when the truth is this damn peeing thing, although I am a bit boring lol as well.

You can't let it control you I used to believe but I think I'm kidding myself cause it clearly has controlled me all my life and I really am glad to know there are more people out there who have this, not glad for them as I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But to know you are not alone is somewhat of a comfort. I just wish I could get rid of it but I know that is never going to happen as I'm so severe with it, I honestly could never see myself ever peeing in a urinal, just couldn't imagine what a feeling that would be like. it must be amazing.

Anyway that's some of my experiences of this shy bladder thingymajig that we suffer from.