Posted by Ronnie
on 24/1/2010, 9:36 pm
Can't honestly remember now how it was up until the end of school ... think I may have always avoided in my teenage years without really registering it in my mind, if that makes sense. Vivid memory, though, of first year at university, in a halls of residence gents at some social event, disco probably, queing behind a line of guys to get a turn at the three or four adjacent urunals, bursting for a pee, and being totally incapable when my turn came. Confusion, embarrassment, fear ... always the same afterwards. No good at an open urinal if there were other guys within sight. Not as bad as some I've read here, always OK in a cubicle, if the coast was completely clear at a urinal, at home, etc., and half a chance if it was the Victorian style urinals with elbow room and side dividers.
Until I was in my mid-30s I thought I was some sort of unique weird aberration! Then about 20 years ago I saw something on TV (an Alan Bennett play?) and read something somewhere (in the Guardian?) that suggested there could be others, and that at least helped my perception a little, but didn't really change the 'performance'. But I'd developed ways of managing, still had a social life, decent job, travelled, got married, kids, and so on ... but never a day without planning the toilet tactics, nipping in at lunchtime at work when no-one else around, making sure I wouldn't need to go on a trip to the cinema, managing the liquid intake generally, things like that. But quite a big impact on the scope of what I chose to do, both socially and professionally. One example .. would always have liked to be more sociable in a group of males, 'mates' if you like, but have avoided that because of the likelihood of the peeing problem becoming centre stage, so to speak, in those situations. I make relatively light of it now, at my age, but there was a time when I could get very bitter about the opportunities and experiences in life that I was probably missing. And regularly that desperate anxiety about the next failure, and the sense of disppointment, and self-hatred almost, when it happened. A daily self-torture that one had little choice but to try and live with as best as possible.
Sorry to go on so long, it's something of a relief just to be writing this and knowing that some people who understand may shortly be reading it. At one stage I even had a medical examination under general anaesthetic to see if there was a prostate problem or something, but of course there wasn't. This was maybe around late-80s, early 90's, I think the consultant thought I was some sort of nutter and we were both slightly embarrassed about it I think. The couple of GP's I'd eventually summoned up the courage to mention it to had nothing to offer on the subject really. One thing that is related is that I am probably quite an anxious personality, slightly given to anxiety/depression generally and have been on mild anti-depressants a couple of times over the years. Not entirely down exclusively to the urinating problem, but I'd say that was always a large part of the background in my mind. Amazing how it can tend to dominate your day-to-day existence and mood, no matter how much you tell yourself it should be relatively unimportant.
Anyway, over the last few years there has been a little more public reference, and sites like this are great. I'd seriously like to think about trying the 'workshop', although it might not be easy to make a weekend away. The other thing I'd like to explore is informal contact with other sufferers of a similar outlook, maybe either just by email or even to meet ... if there's anyone in NW who might like to follow this up, please give me a shout.
Thanks for reading, hope it doesn't sound too self-pitying or boring. Just feels quite good to be able to say all that, even if just to cyberspace!1332
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