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New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
Posted by David on 5/1/2011, 5:56 pm
Hi,
I’ve just stumbled across this website today after more than 20 years of suffering from a shy bladder and finally I feel a sense of relief - it’s great there’s somewhere to talk about my problem with others. I’m 36 and confidently can say that I have indeed been ‘suffering’ for as long as I can remember albeit a little less than I used to. I did start to look into finding some help a couple of years ago and read a few things online which made me realise there were other people like me out there and that in itself made a thankful difference. I even took the massive step of telling my girlfriend who I live with, after being with her for a number of years. It was very difficult to tell her but an amazing relief to know that someone else knew of the stress my problem caused me on a daily basis. Just knowing that I can tell someone that I was unsuccessful when attempting to go in a public toilet, or why I was so quick when I went into the loos because there were no free cubicles, is a great relief. I would recommend to anyone on this forum that telling someone you know about your problem will make your problem just a little bit more bearable to live with and bring you one step closer to fixing it. You never know, it might even bring you closer to that person.
One thing I have realised today from reading other peoples stories is that although I think I suffer quite badly there are others out there who suffer worse – I am thinking of you all and wish you every success with your own personal journeys. I can now though, most of the time, go in a public cubicle (especially if there is more than 1) and always in my own home. I’ve had a few slip ups in friends or families homes but generally if I’m in my own space, behind a closed door, with little or no time pressures then I’m fine. Urinals are a different story. It wasn’t always this way though and it’s only after constantly working at it and trying self taught breathing techniques and a little desensitising that I can go where I can. I still have major issues going out to public places and it has created all sorts of problems, ranging from not meeting up with friends to concocting all sorts of excuses to leave somewhere early so I can find a place to go to the toilet. Looking back it has been a huge adventure and at times taken me down dark alleys and places (even in foreign countries) where I am quite possibly in danger just to go for a pee! It’s crazy really the lengths I’ve gone to find somewhere I can go – I could probably write a book on it or at least look back and smile!!
I’ve learned to deal with the (self) embarrassment of my lies to get on and lead as close to a normal life as possible but I still feel that my problem is heavily restricting my life and is quite depressing really. That said I do try and get on with things and when pushed will do just that and deal with each situation as it comes. I’ve learned to know what sort of places are more likely to have a toilet with more than one cubicle and try to go when ever I can where it’s easy so I don’t get caught out – that’s part of the fear I guess, not being able to go when I really need to. I’ve become an expert in reading other peoples toilet habits – in that I can see if people are heading to the loo (eyes like a hawk – with a full bladder or course) or on a plane/at the cinema/in a restaurant, when is the best time to visit the toilet when there is less likely to be anyone else there. I’ve come to the realisation though that this isn’t something I should have to deal with for the rest of my life. I want to have children very soon and couldn’t think of anything worse than having my 2 year old stand outside the cubicle and wait for me to go! (I actually saw that happen!).
So, today I have bought the Shy Bladder Syndrome book from Amazon and will attempt to work through some exercises in desensitising in an effort to stand and pee next to another man. Than sounds a little odd on a number of levels but it has become my secret focus for this year (well mine and my girlfriends – I’ve asked her to help).
Sorry for the lengthy post, I could easily write more as I said, there’s 20 years plus of vivid awkward memories to draw on but it’s enough to say that I can happily write that I’m sure you all know what I’ve been through.
Thanks for listening and if you do have any tips or stories of self help successes which could help me on the road to recovery I would (and I genuinely mean this) LOVE to hear them.
Re: New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
Well done for all the work you have done so far and for finding this place. It seems you have a very good attitude toward this. Telling your other half is also a big step and very worthwhile.
As for tips - continue what you are doing with the de-sensing. I found motorway service stations are best for urinal practice (big, busy, no one knows(or cares!) how long you have been standing there etc. For cubicle practice, I found service stations too easy as there is a lot of noise and loads of cubicles so train stations are good, cinemas etc.
Another tip is to use cubicles with the door open...
Have you read up on the workshops the UKPT run? There is a thread at the top of the message board page. Its the best step you can take and you get to meet some great people and have lots of fun. You will make fantastic progress.
For getting out of trouble, self catherisation is ideal. I can fully reccomend these as I use them myself (ie stag nights, plane trips, outside events etc). Quick and easy to use too. If you want more info on them, just ask.
Let us know how you get on with the book etc.
Speak soon,
Mark
Re: New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
Some of you may have read Mark's comment about "having lots of fun" on a workshop and thought....what??!! He obviously does not suffer the way I do.
Just to clarify; everyone turns up feeling anything from scared to apprehensive. But we soon enable you to relax and by the second evening, participants tend to feel sufficiently good about things to be able to joke and laugh a bit about it over a drink or a meal. In other words, it is not fun straight off, but a shift in mindest does occur, which is one of the aims of a workshop.
cheers
Andrew
Re: New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
Thanks for the reply and tips. I hadn't even thought about using service stations in this way. Cubicles at service stations like you say is easy but as soon as you add in your suggestion about keeping the door open it feels me with gut wrenching dread. However that does seems like a challenge and a goal to aim for. I think small steps first so as recommended on some of the information pages here I'm going to work on keeping the door open at home and going when my partner is around. In the past 6 months or so I have managed to go whilst she was in the shower and I was sat on the loo with the shower curtain acting as my 'protection', the sense of achievement was very uplifting and encouraging to try and push the boat out more. Still pretty lame though - I had to be sat on the loo!!! Small steps.
I've never thought about self catherisation, I didn't even know it existed! Does it hurt? And how quickly can it be 'done'? I used to have major problems going even behind closed doors of a cubical but most of the time thats OK now. The thing that really gets me down is always having to rely on a cubicle being free and what I see as a major embarrassment of heading staright to the cubicle or coming out of when when a friend or family memmber is there. I recently went on holiday with my family and had felt ridiculous making up excuses to my father about not knowing whether I needed the loo or not so I didnt have to go with him. For him to come back from the toilet and me to then say 'actually I think I will go'. The feeling it left me really hit home that I have to sort this problem out. Get it beat and get on with leading a normal life.
I have read about the workshops and like most I assume, the idea feels me with fear. I'm going to try reading the book first and some self styled decensitising to see how far I get. It's like a personal challenge now to see if I can beat this thing myself. When I end up coming to a workshop in 6 months time I would be happy for you to say I told you so and I will be happy to buy you a beer!!
If anyone is reading this it would be great to hear any success stories of people who can now pee at a urinal with other people around them. I don't know about you but for me that would give me a lot of hope!
Thanks David
Re: New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
I struggled with leaving the cubicle door open, so heres what I did: Lock the cubicle door and start the flow whilst standing up. Once your in full flow, reach behind you and unlock+open the door. This will get you accustomed to being in that situation.
Its good that you have tried when your partner is in the same room, good on you! For what its worth - when I first started seeing my girlfriend, I was dreading spending the day with her then coming back to my parents. I Wasnt able to use the loo even with her downstairs whatching tv and me upstairs! So I said that im having a shower and that relaxed me enough to go. Spending alot of time round hers enabled me to improve my condition as I was able to start going at her place.
Self cathing hurts the first time you do it, its not very pleasant. BUT once you repeat it, you get used to the feeling and it doesnt hurt so much but is more of a discomfort as it goes in. Once it is all the way in its fine. It takes about 10 secs to pierce the lube pouch, another 10-20 seconds to insert slowly, and about 30 secs + to drain (as its a narrow tube). I think that once the flow starts, you can pull it out and resume normall flow thus speeding it up. You can easily fit 4/5 in your pocket as they fold up.
Keep telling yourself not to feel embarrassed about heading to a cubicle. Remember that you have this condition and its not your fault. You are just simply dealing with it any way you can. Everyone would do the same if they were in your position.
Im glad to see that you will consider a workshop in the near future, but dont let the fear factor put you off. I was dreading going and really nervous, but everyone else is in the same position. I just went for it and was glad I did.
Hope some of that helps you!
All the best,
Mark
Re: New to the forum - looking to get my problem fixed
Incredible though you may find it, you are lucky ! I say this for several reasons. You have found and are making good use of the UKPT website, you know you are not alone with this condition, you have confided in someone else about it and are able to pee in her presence, you are beginning to take the right steps to deal with the problem and have the determination to succeed. Above all you are a young man and have years of life ahead when peeing will either be no problem or one you can light-heartedly cope with.
I am over twice your age and lived with AP all my life. Like you, I could easily write a book about all my "adventures", or should it be "misadventures" ! But I found this website about three years ago and my life has in many ways been transformed, particularly by going on two Workshops, and by having contact with other men with the same problem. I am one of those people who can now "pee at a urinal with other people around them" - at least most of the time. Your next step is to book yourself into a Workshop as soon as posible. The atmosphere there is incredibly friendly and helpful and the opporunity to talk to others with AP experience is not to be missed. Why be anxious when you are all in the same boat !
I hope this will encourage you in your "recovery" and please do keep us informed of your progress. Good luck to you.
