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UK paruresis trust

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Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Pete L on 2/11/2009, 9:35 am

Hi All

Had to share this one with you as it shows how much the workshop has helped.

Two freinds and myself went on a fishing trip to Grafham Waters on Saturday. I was fully aware of the set up prior to going ont this trip; no toilet, just a blue bucket....actualy, it was more of scuttle than a bucket!! You can imagine the scene, 3 men in a boat, other boats around within viewing distance and the urge to pee..... fear not I told myself, I need to pee, and I can pee..... I can I can I can!!

So, I stood up, unfastened the layers upon layers to get to the right parts, had the scuttle in hand and..waited, waited waited.....and finally (after a 20-30 second hesitation - which is normal) emptied my bladder!! Another feather in my cap I told myself.

I knew that other people around me would be aware of what I was doing and, although I was not facing people direct, knew they would not be lookin - afterall, staring would be weird!! However, I achieved what I would never have been able to do if it wasn't for the workshop.

Before the workshop, I would never have gone out on such a trip - anxiety would have got the better of me and I would have missed out on a lot of fun. Since the workshop, my life has changed dramatically. I am not cured, far from it, but I am enjoying my life and not worrying so much about where I go. Taking that initial thought out of my head 'what if I need to pee' is an amazing acheivement.

Regards

Pete

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Andrew on 2/11/2009, 4:17 pm, in reply to "Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi Pete

Excellent story.

BTW if peeing in a small boat with two others nearby and in view of other boats is "not cured", then what is???? In other words, what more do you need to be able to do.

best

Andrew

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Pete L on 3/11/2009, 1:25 pm, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Andrew, Joe and Simon

Thank you for your reply. I pick up on your point about 'what else is left to cure'. Although I am probably allowing myself to think negative, I am still using cubicles more than the urinals so I still feel I have a way to go. Obviously, the fact that I am getting to go to places I would always have avoided before, and that I am entering the toilets is a positive step in the right direction.

The idea of going out and about to sociol events or just daily scenarios still plays about in my mind. This is due to lack of practice/ experience of such events but I also suffer issues about my childhood in general. Those of you who read my initial thread may or may not remember that I suffered mental abuse from my father which, in turn, has given me low self esteem in to my adulthood. I am seeking help from a psychotherapist at present to help overcome these issues so can only keep thinking positive. Looking good at the moment.

It is one thing for AP's avoiding situations for fear of not being able to pee, but I (and sure others do to) have avoided situations through fear of childhood issues. Humiliated in public by my father shouting at me and telling me people are looking at me, doing the same thing in front of friends and family, being suppressed so never being able to speak out. All of these issues have a long lasting affect. However, having the help and assurity of others around me, inc you guys, and knowing myself the reasons for my sociol anxities, I am able to push myself through my personal hell.

I just feel so sorry for those who are not able to connect to the reasons of their problems. Basically, my father created a person who is s**t scared of life by constantly putting me down. The reality is, is that my father brainwashed me in to thinking that nobody wanted to be around me, that I was embarassing, that I am nothing more than s**t! I have confronted my father and an effort is being made to form a relationship.....as I always say 'small steps'. I can't change the past, I know that, it happened and nothing will ever change it, but the past hurts like hell sometimes!

It's a vicious circle - can't go out because I fear rejection, need to go out to get life practice, can't go out because I don't want to be an embarassment.... I have struggled with these issues most of my life and the workshop has given me so much self esteem so I have no intention to stop facing my demons. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life, I just need to keep reminding myself what I have. As I said, you can't change the past, but you can enjoy the present!!

In the meantime, I will keep posting my experinces, good or bad, and encourage all those, and others, who have given me my new lease of life.

A long post but, damn, does it feel good to be able to share this with people who care.

Pete

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Andrew on 3/11/2009, 2:42 pm, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi Pete

Yes we do care; and those who met you on the workshop know you as someone who is good to be with: good company, good talker, good listener.

I did myself down to someone in front of my father once. Afterwards he remonstrated strongly with me: "there will always be people who will do you down; so dont do it for them!"

So the message is that you have a group of friends who think highly of you and like you: you are safe in that group. Others may knock you for whatever reasons - mainly cos they have got issues themselves - detach from that and recognise it is only their opinion, not fact.

In effect treat them as another Boo Monster?

best

Andrew

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Pete L on 3/11/2009, 3:39 pm, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi Andrew

Thank you so much, your comments and advice are much appreciated and are taken onboard.

Pete

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Joe on 4/11/2009, 12:11 am, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Andrew...i applaud you for your successes and they are to be absolutely commended on all levels, regardless if you dont feel complete in your journey. i can also relate to the parent belittlement. however, mine didnt start until after i began having problems at the urinal. when i came home from school with a full bladder from not having gone since leaving home in the morning (i still cant use the stalls), it was difficult not having an attitude with anyone, especially when i encountered not being able to go at home either, having to hold it longer just meant more pain which increased my attitude. ever since those days, my mother called me dysfunctionally flawed, and with all good reason; i coudn't pee and was in excrutiating pains. when i released, i was able to smile again. the entire day was reaking havoc on my emotions. the last time i spoke with my mother (more than 5 years ago), she was still calling me dysfunctionally flawed. i have since diassociated myself from her completely because there was never any support from her, even after i told her what was wrong, which also, after having admitted that with her, it only reinforced her opinions that i was truly, dysfunctional. i tried repairing that relationship, but...all it did was tear me down more and i found it was better for me to stay away from her constant insults. i think people call that emotional abuse. the hardest part in my relationship with my mom, has been what other people think when they hear, we dont have a relationship. they immediately think i am some evil guy who hates his mother...when in reality, it was her emotinal abuse and lack of understanding that drove me away.

i guess i said all that because, i feel for you and what that broken relationship may be doing to you. it's hard when you have a parent that treats you like a piece of trash and you keep trying to make it better. after years of trying, i gave up. i had to. i was losing myself trying. I hope things work out for you...it's always hard losing a parent, especially when their still alive and you know they dont give a crap about you.

stay focused and dont lose sight...

Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Pete L on 4/11/2009, 9:25 am, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi Joe

i would imagine there are many parents out there whom are not liked by there children due to their poor parenting. Poor parenting, however, could be due to their parents being abusive - mentally or physically.

Over the years, I came to realise something. This something was extremely difficult for me to accept but I had to allow the feeling in anycase... I don't like my father. Let me explain this so as not to misquote. It wasn't waht my father did to me as a child, though it certainly didn't help, it is the fact that he is not my sort of bloke. He is rude, false, pathetic, boring, doesn't have his own opininion - he forms his on other peoples, this is to name a few.

He may be my father but, on a personal level, he's the kind of bloke I would meet and think 'what an arsehole'!! And do you know what, Joe, he is an arsehole.

However, my fathers faults are perhaps not his own doing. His father treated him in the exact way he treated me. He gave him no love, no encouragement, he belittled brothers and sisters and his own wife. My father didn't break the chain, sadly. I have though, and that's the important thing. I may have struggled through my life but, without sounding conceited, I'm a nice bloke. Everything my father is, I am not!

Joe, my words are not advice, they are simply my story. You may or may not connect with what I am saying but, the fact of the matter, which you need to take time to think about, is that your mother may have suffered exactly the same abuse which she put you through. It was not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong to deserve the mental abuse which you received. On the assumption your mother suffered abuse, like my father did, and whether or not your mothers parents are around, your mother will never receive the love and care which she herself longed for as a child. In addition, something which us children often forget, our mum's and dad's are not just our parents, they are children themselves, they are brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, mates, work colleagues. They have their own baggage to carry.

I hope you can make sense of what I am saying. It won't make life any better, but it may help you recover from some of the hurt that parents (sometimes unknowingly)cause. If your mother did suffer herself, you may be able to connect on a different level.

Pete

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Joe on 2/11/2009, 8:42 pm, in reply to "Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

yeah, that is a great story. and i have to agree with Andrew. if, going in the open with 2 guys right next to you and other boats in view, is not cured, then really, what is? regardless of the question...success is always encouraging and good to hear.

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Simon on 3/11/2009, 8:23 am, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi Pete. That is excellent. If you are not cured you cant be far away from it. You obviously can pee in the most public scenario- so maybe the last few steps to your cure is to remember this and, as you said not worry about needing to pee when you go somewhere. Well done and thank you for your inspiration

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Geoff P on 4/11/2009, 10:56 am, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Well Pete, I've only got one thing to say and this is it...

For me peeing like that would have made even a fishing trip worthwhile!!

Geoff

Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat

Posted by Pete on 12/11/2009, 5:29 pm, in reply to "Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Hi,

May I add a personal footnote to this very interesting correspondence arising out of Pete's highly entertaining account of his fishing expedition. Every paruretic must admire and envy his achievement. ( Incidentally I know Pete personally, thanks to this website ) and when he says ,in one of his messages, that he is a "nice bloke" it's the understatement of the year !)

What makes us what we are - "nature or nurture" (genes or upbringing and experience) ? As far as being pee-shy is concerned, in my case genes, I think are ruled out. I see no evidence of it in my family - father, son or nine grandsons. But one of my earliest memories is of having a pee in the garden, as small boys do, with no problem until my mother called out that someone was coming, indicating that I should stop and embedding in my mind, I think, that it wasn't "nice" to pee in public Her words may have introduced a lifetime of inability to pee in front of other people. But, of course, she had no idea of the effect her words might have.

I had never been taken to a men's loo until I went to school and then sight of all those boys just standing and peeing against a blank wall ( which was all a loo consisted of in those days ) gave me such a shock that I couldn't go. I never used a school toilet in all my schooldays unless I knew I'd be alone. And I blush to recall that in my junior school this led to me wetting myself on one occasion.

This was the start of a life of holding on, often in great discomfort, of toilet watching, of drinking little, and of avoiding, as far as possible, anything where I might need a pee - you all know the drill - until I entered the computer age and, about 18 months ago, discovered this website. I confess to sitting and sobbing when I at last found that I was not the only one with this disability and that I could do something about it.

Since then my life has been turned around by taking advice from UKPT,by going on two Workshops and, not least, by meeting Pete. The point I'm trying to make is that we are not bound to be as we are by either our genes or our upbringing. With resolution, by persistent practice, by listening to all the advice available and by confiding in family and friends, we can at least take control of our own lives and not be haunted by anxiety about when and where we can next have a pee. We may not be completely "cured" but we can say that we no longer care. I dare to hope that this may help and encourage other sufferers, young or old ( or, like me, very old !)

Pete ( another one ! )

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