Posted by Pete L on 3/11/2009, 1:25 pm, in reply to "Re: Off a Bridge (part 2) Off a Boat"

Andrew, Joe and Simon Thank you for your reply. I pick up on your point about 'what else is left to cure'. Although I am probably allowing myself to think negative, I am still using cubicles more than the urinals so I still feel I have a way to go. Obviously, the fact that I am getting to go to places I would always have avoided before, and that I am entering the toilets is a positive step in the right direction. The idea of going out and about to sociol events or just daily scenarios still plays about in my mind. This is due to lack of practice/ experience of such events but I also suffer issues about my childhood in general. Those of you who read my initial thread may or may not remember that I suffered mental abuse from my father which, in turn, has given me low self esteem in to my adulthood. I am seeking help from a psychotherapist at present to help overcome these issues so can only keep thinking positive. Looking good at the moment. It is one thing for AP's avoiding situations for fear of not being able to pee, but I (and sure others do to) have avoided situations through fear of childhood issues. Humiliated in public by my father shouting at me and telling me people are looking at me, doing the same thing in front of friends and family, being suppressed so never being able to speak out. All of these issues have a long lasting affect. However, having the help and assurity of others around me, inc you guys, and knowing myself the reasons for my sociol anxities, I am able to push myself through my personal hell. I just feel so sorry for those who are not able to connect to the reasons of their problems. Basically, my father created a person who is s**t scared of life by constantly putting me down. The reality is, is that my father brainwashed me in to thinking that nobody wanted to be around me, that I was embarassing, that I am nothing more than s**t! I have confronted my father and an effort is being made to form a relationship.....as I always say 'small steps'. I can't change the past, I know that, it happened and nothing will ever change it, but the past hurts like hell sometimes! It's a vicious circle - can't go out because I fear rejection, need to go out to get life practice, can't go out because I don't want to be an embarassment.... I have struggled with these issues most of my life and the workshop has given me so much self esteem so I have no intention to stop facing my demons. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life, I just need to keep reminding myself what I have. As I said, you can't change the past, but you can enjoy the present!! In the meantime, I will keep posting my experinces, good or bad, and encourage all those, and others, who have given me my new lease of life. A long post but, damn, does it feel good to be able to share this with people who care. Pete

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