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EUREKA! I am 54 and suffered (from what I now know is called AP) all my life, as far back as I can remember. I had no idea that others had the same problem and I have felt like a freak my whole life as a result. Like half a man, in toilets anyway. I have been in business most of my life and can give presentations and speak to large groups and even do public speaking on occassions. Sure I get a bit nervous but it doesn't bother me. But go to the pub for a few beer with my mates? No way!!! I also play & sing in a rock and blues band and we've played to audiences of over 1000 on open air stages without any problems. I am not a shy person so just don't understand why I can't pee in a public loo. I drive an MPV so that I am always the 'designated driver' carrying the band gear. That way I have an excuse not to drink AT ALL when we go to gigs. A strategy that I reluctantly use so I can play in the band. But how I'd love to let someone else drive for a change and have a beer! Even just one cold beer after a 2 hour gig would be most welcome! But I never have one. Not even one small bottle. I can't risk it in case I need to pee.
HORRIFIC I had a horrific experience two weeks ago. I am just back from a charity fund raising trip playing a two night rock gig and we were staying in a hotel next to the bar so I wasn't driving. The locals were buying us free beer as we played a high energy 2 hour set of 70's Rock and I had 3 pints lined up, all bought by folk in the crowd. All were left untouched by me. The loo was a steel trough (my worst nightmare) and the cubicle door had no lock on it. I had scoped it out when we arrived and said to myself "No way can I pee here!" I was panicking! My band buddies thought I was extremely rude and a real party pooper as I refused point blank to drink a drop of the free beer bought for us by the crowd. I wasn't driving so there was no reason (they could see) why I couldn't join in with everyone else. Eventually I drank one pint to appease everybody and later sufffered with a swollen bladder so badly towards the end of the gig I was sweating and in pain and only just managed to play to the end. I thought I was going to faint, explode or both. I eventually ended up back at the hotel, being talked at by the rest of the band, hardly able to walk, locked myself in the loo and found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I sat on the loo with the tap water running in an effort to try to pee. Sometimes I can't even pee in front of myself it would seem. Freak! Freak! Freak! I felt I didn't want to EVER experience that embarrassment again and decided to A) quit the band B) quit my job and try to find one where I could work from home. C) Jump off the local suspension bridge so "this freak" can end the agony once and for all. (It seriously seemed an option at the height of my distress and misery that night) So I confided in a band member the next morning and he laughed at first (of course, I am a freak!) but then saw that I was visibly upset and realised I was actually serious and was, to my surprise, very supportive.
YOU MEAN I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE? So I have started opening up to people for the first time and eventually I found this web site and I cannot believe there are so many others like me!!! I read that Alan Sugar and Kurt Cobain are/were sufferers too - ie a very successful business man and an iconic rock musician! Both very high profile, successful individuals! I am astounded and hugely relieved to find out that I am not alone and that I am not a freak after all. For 54 years I have been a freak but today, after reading this web site, I find that I am actually a normal person with nothing more than a phobia! I am so relieved the emotion is welling up in me again as I am typing this message.
WHAT NEXT? By telling my story here I realise that I am now on the first step of my journey to conquer AP and I am determined to do so. I have just emailed Andrew Smith and got a great response and plan to come to a work shop soon and will buy the book for sure. At last, there is hope. I am normal! - it is just a phobia!! One that has affected everything I have done in the last 54 years. Every holiday, every visit to friend's homes, family's homes, every pub, every hotel, restaurant, business meeting, training course, wedding, funeral, Christening, sports event, charity walk, hill climb and music event that I have ever attended (or turned down) in my entire life has been affected because I can't pee in public. It is insane and so life controlling it dominates everything.
If this is the first step to curing this agonising phobia then please, let the journey begin!
Hi my name is Matthew and I'm only 21 and have been suffering from ap most my life. Your AP sounds a lot like mine as to you can't pee even in front of your self sometimes. I can't use cubicles and definitely not the dreaded METAL TROUGH!!! or any public urinary device for that matter. You seem not to have let AP take full control of your life though which is a positive. I my self only began my first ever proper job this March, a slow start by some standards.
As to there HORRIFIC night one positive i saw was the telling your friend bit and it does help to tell your closer friends and family. I told my two best friend after i spent most of my teens making up excuses as to why i can't go out to the pubs. To my amazement they where understanding and have been helpful in making me feel relaxed if i do go out. One of even made it his own business to get me to go to the doctors to be referred to which i am grateful for because after two and a half years waiting i am now going to see a doctor who can hopefully help this Thursday. If you wish to read my story i think my post is now on page 2 and just scroll down and click on Matty-: How It All Began.
I wish I had started to work on overcoming this when I was your age and I know exactly how you feel about the whole thing. I have now told a colleague and he was understanding. I explained why I turned down his invitation to me and my colleagues when he bought us tickets to a rugby international in Edinburgh. I declined (the only one) knowing we'd be drinking beer and getting the train back from Edinburgh. I was ribbed for weeks for being a stick in the mud but now he knows and, again, he was very supportive, to my relief.
I now think it is a positive thing to tell people about being AP (as I now know it is called) so I wish you well with your quest to beat this thing and hope to meet you at an adjacent urinal sometime.....erm.....you know what I mean! Ha ha!!
Well done Ken for your posting. I am the same age as you & have "had" AP all mt adult life too. I found your account very moving & can identify with so much, although never got as far as the suspension bridge scenario! Discovering this website really was a huge help to me and I'm now considering a Workshop but just knowing there are so many others with AP has lifted a burden from my shoulders. Good luck to you. Jim.
Hi Jim Thanks for your reply, I feel mightily relieved to hear from people like your good self who also have "my" problem. You have my sympathies. I am already less anxious knowling that I am not alone after all.
I am planning to go on a workshop sometime but have decided to read the book first. I feel like I have made the first steps to a new me and am relishing the prospect of peeing in a trough in a crowded loo. What a crazy ambition - but one that seems as impossible to me as flapping my arms and flying.
Good luck in your quest Jim, I send my encouragement to you via this message.
Obviuosly its the age 54 that causes this !! I'm 54 as well. What a relief it is when you discover that this thing is a common phobia. I kick myself every time I avoid stuff just because of it. Often when avoiding is just not possible I get through the day some how (see below). I try to tell myself to stop avoiding drinking, travel, meetings, events but when the time comes round I often can't face it all and make an excuse. I think we have all been where you are Ken, the absolute total frustration of standing there with a bursting bladder knowing that it just won't work.
Last week I was in France on a business trip (on my own). In a cafe I needed a pee and got the key from the bar to use the toilet. As soon as I went in there some guy is rattling the door handle to use the loo. Obviously under pressure my bladder refused to play ball and I had to leave and could not go back because I could not ask for the key a second time! Had to travel one hour on the train fully bursting untill I found a quite cubicle at the airport. Anyway the point is I did get through the day, another business trip completed.
I really must get to a workshop this winter and see if I can make some progress. Welcome to the board. I think it's great to read other peoples stories. You are not alone.
PS In France whilst in the quiet cubicle guy comes into the totally empty toilet and pees and leaves from the adjacent cubicle. ....... There are lots of us out there!
Hi Nigel Oh! Your account of what happened in France is exactly me! That is exactly what I would have done in that situation. Last year my family and I drove to the South of France and we stopped at a French service station after being held up due to an accident on the French motorway. The loos were so busy that women and children were using the gents cubilces and I joined the "ladies" queue for the gents cubicle whilst all the men let go to pee easily at the urinals. It was a free for all in that loo, our worst nightmare Nigel. When I finally got to the cubicle there were 20 women and children behind me all urging me (in every language) to hurry up: "Pronto!" and "Vite! Vite!" so I was unable to go at all. When I came out I had to drive (I was the only driver) about 50 miles to the next service station. I sweated in great discomfort the whole way. I am an 'Advanced Motorist' and thought how dangerous that was too. I am otherwise a calm and collected individual, but I was stressed out my box on that 50 mile journey.
Like you, I somehow manage to get through each day but hate having to turn down invitations or find work arounds all the time, however I send you my VERY best wishes for the future and we both overcome this crazy, unwelcome phobia one day.
It's funny. I'm on a bit of a tour of Europe at the moment by car and I'm finding that often situations that would normally give me difficulty at home have somehow become easier. I've been able to use several urinals this week, so far with nobody else in the same room but still a leap forward. What's that all about?!
I think the situation you're describing would be my worst nightmare too. I'm not very tolerant of crowds at the best of times.
Great write up there, well done! Can see why it was emotional for you to talk about. Us wippersnappers are lucky as we spend most our time on the net so are able to come accross sites like this more easily! Its a good feeling though when you do so enjoy it!
Dont waste any time, get on a workshop as soon as you can. Please keep us updated with thoughts, progress or anything else relevant.
Hello from yet another 54 year old!! What was going on in 1955?? I, too, have had this all my life. I'm not in such a bad position in that I've always been able to use cubicles. It was always my Mum who took me to the loo as a child, so I was always ok with that situation.
I found this site in January this year and can't believe the progress I've been able to make. A workshop will change your life, Ken. But it doesn't sound like you need any convincing about that!
Keep posting about your progress. It really helps just to let out your frustrations as well as share your succeses. Sounds like you've got some great mates. I've been fortunate to have found a great mate on the workshop I attended. What a difference that makes!!
Well done for posting your story, a great read but probably a greater relief (no pun intended!)for you to tell it!
All on this site are well experienced in avoiding situations like you do, as have I in the passed. However, after reading Shy Bladder Syndrome' I went on a a workshop...... best thing I ever did mate!!
I went out on Saturday night with my partner as it was one of her friends birthdays. There was a trough situation but I managed each time with not much hesitation. Let me tell you something Ken, before attending the workshop, I avoided life, I avoided everything that seemed normal due to me thinking that I was not normal. I suffered and suffered and suffered!! It was like a double whammy, I got upset because I missed out, and I got upset because it was yet another opportunity where I felt that I was letting people down. If someone ever invited me out my stomach would churn knowing that I was yet again about to say NO!
After attending the workshop, meeting fantastic individuals (they were all fantastinc) and realising that I am normal, my whole life changed! I hope yours will too Ken. It's not an easy ride mate, and I personally can't guarantee that you will be cured - I had hesitations on Saturday night - however, what I will guarantee, is that you won't care anymore. These workshops, which Andy and Colin run, are bloody fantastic, life changing, uplifting, emotional....did I say bloody fantastic?!!!!
AP affects us all in different ways, and the workshops will change us in different ways but, ken, we all support each other and understand each others needs 100% the same way so get yourself booked on one.
Best of luck to you my friend and happy reading, a fantastic book. Read it like I was reading my own life!!
Your not alone Ken all the busy party type places are the worst.Its horrible when someone you know follows you to the toilet and you even end up holding the blimin door open for them you know at this stage it aint going to happen they go to the urinals u go to the cubicle you feel like screaming whats happening to me then they shout something like off loading r we all of course adding more pressure to the situation.Thats just one of many toilet situations thats uncomfortable.Coach Lorry car plane different countrys have all been a horrible time for me... best wishes Michael.
Excellent 2 c ur on here - a welcome awaits U. first thing id say is that you r most definately not a freak, quite the reverse in fact, ur probably the guy who always puts others first, in other words , a nice guy. I read ur notes with intertest and empathy but all i can say is that it is possible 2 overcome ur anxiety, oh yes, it really is ! The best start you can make is by enrolling on 1 of the UKPT courses, oh yea i hear you say but : listen up , at the age of 53 i was just like you but after attending just 3 UKPT organised courses, i can now pee where and when i want 2 and its changed my life completely, i no longer even think about it. So go on book a course, i am sure it will be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do. Best Steve
