Posted by Ken on 8/9/2009, 10:38 am

EUREKA! I am 54 and suffered (from what I now know is called AP) all my life, as far back as I can remember. I had no idea that others had the same problem and I have felt like a freak my whole life as a result. Like half a man, in toilets anyway. I have been in business most of my life and can give presentations and speak to large groups and even do public speaking on occassions. Sure I get a bit nervous but it doesn't bother me. But go to the pub for a few beer with my mates? No way!!! I also play & sing in a rock and blues band and we've played to audiences of over 1000 on open air stages without any problems. I am not a shy person so just don't understand why I can't pee in a public loo. I drive an MPV so that I am always the 'designated driver' carrying the band gear. That way I have an excuse not to drink AT ALL when we go to gigs. A strategy that I reluctantly use so I can play in the band. But how I'd love to let someone else drive for a change and have a beer! Even just one cold beer after a 2 hour gig would be most welcome! But I never have one. Not even one small bottle. I can't risk it in case I need to pee. HORRIFIC I had a horrific experience two weeks ago. I am just back from a charity fund raising trip playing a two night rock gig and we were staying in a hotel next to the bar so I wasn't driving. The locals were buying us free beer as we played a high energy 2 hour set of 70's Rock and I had 3 pints lined up, all bought by folk in the crowd. All were left untouched by me. The loo was a steel trough (my worst nightmare) and the cubicle door had no lock on it. I had scoped it out when we arrived and said to myself "No way can I pee here!" I was panicking! My band buddies thought I was extremely rude and a real party pooper as I refused point blank to drink a drop of the free beer bought for us by the crowd. I wasn't driving so there was no reason (they could see) why I couldn't join in with everyone else. Eventually I drank one pint to appease everybody and later sufffered with a swollen bladder so badly towards the end of the gig I was sweating and in pain and only just managed to play to the end. I thought I was going to faint, explode or both. I eventually ended up back at the hotel, being talked at by the rest of the band, hardly able to walk, locked myself in the loo and found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I sat on the loo with the tap water running in an effort to try to pee. Sometimes I can't even pee in front of myself it would seem. Freak! Freak! Freak! I felt I didn't want to EVER experience that embarrassment again and decided to A) quit the band B) quit my job and try to find one where I could work from home. C) Jump off the local suspension bridge so "this freak" can end the agony once and for all. (It seriously seemed an option at the height of my distress and misery that night) So I confided in a band member the next morning and he laughed at first (of course, I am a freak!) but then saw that I was visibly upset and realised I was actually serious and was, to my surprise, very supportive. YOU MEAN I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE? So I have started opening up to people for the first time and eventually I found this web site and I cannot believe there are so many others like me!!! I read that Alan Sugar and Kurt Cobain are/were sufferers too - ie a very successful business man and an iconic rock musician! Both very high profile, successful individuals! I am astounded and hugely relieved to find out that I am not alone and that I am not a freak after all. For 54 years I have been a freak but today, after reading this web site, I find that I am actually a normal person with nothing more than a phobia! I am so relieved the emotion is welling up in me again as I am typing this message. WHAT NEXT? By telling my story here I realise that I am now on the first step of my journey to conquer AP and I am determined to do so. I have just emailed Andrew Smith and got a great response and plan to come to a work shop soon and will buy the book for sure. At last, there is hope. I am normal! - it is just a phobia!! One that has affected everything I have done in the last 54 years. Every holiday, every visit to friend's homes, family's homes, every pub, every hotel, restaurant, business meeting, training course, wedding, funeral, Christening, sports event, charity walk, hill climb and music event that I have ever attended (or turned down) in my entire life has been affected because I can't pee in public. It is insane and so life controlling it dominates everything. If this is the first step to curing this agonising phobia then please, let the journey begin!

1491