U.K. PARURESIS TRUST: Didn't know this had a name

I've had trouble with going to the toilet in public for a long time.

I'm at work today and about half an hour ago, I went to the "quiet loo" in the other building, which normally has nobody in it, and a colleague followed me all the way and then went in the loo with me. I was so embarrassed as it's a VERY quiet loo with three cubicles and you can hear a pin drop in there.

She went into one cubicle, I went into the one furthest away, and she was able to just... go... to the loo, right there and then. I sat down, blew my nose, and waited, but I couldn't go, I knew I couldn't, and to make matters worse, she was silent for ages after she finished peeing and I get the feeling she wanted to stay in the loo for longer, if you catch my drift.

So I flushed the loo, washed my hands quickly, and disappeared off to the next loo I could find. Luckily this one, though busier, is at the end of a corridor and you can hear people coming in advance, so I was okay. I got lucky and I was able to go because I knew there was nobody around.

I love visiting my mum but hate going to the loo at her house, as it's a little cubicle on its own right at the top of the stairs, and it's very echoey. I find it very hard to go to the loo when I'm there.

I am fine at home. We have recently had an extension up into our attic and there's a little loo up there. I can disappear up to the loft when I need some privacy and it's fine... plus I'm comfortable (-ish) enough with my partner to not mind too much. But if we have visitors, I struggle.

This is going to sound weird, but sometimes I find that I have to tickle myself to make myself pee if I REALLY desperately HAVE to go. I tickle my lower back or the side of my thigh with the tips of my fingers. Sometimes it works. How weird it that?

For me, it's about embarrassment, shame and fear. I don't even like people hearing me unzipping my trousers or, heaven forbid, unwrapping a sanitary towel. In fact just typing the words is making me cringe in embarrassment, even though I'm using a pseudonym and nobody will ever know who I am. I am that ashamed... and I hate it.

It's good to know I'm not alone.