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I've had trouble with going to the toilet in public for a long time.
I'm at work today and about half an hour ago, I went to the "quiet loo" in the other building, which normally has nobody in it, and a colleague followed me all the way and then went in the loo with me. I was so embarrassed as it's a VERY quiet loo with three cubicles and you can hear a pin drop in there.
She went into one cubicle, I went into the one furthest away, and she was able to just... go... to the loo, right there and then. I sat down, blew my nose, and waited, but I couldn't go, I knew I couldn't, and to make matters worse, she was silent for ages after she finished peeing and I get the feeling she wanted to stay in the loo for longer, if you catch my drift.
So I flushed the loo, washed my hands quickly, and disappeared off to the next loo I could find. Luckily this one, though busier, is at the end of a corridor and you can hear people coming in advance, so I was okay. I got lucky and I was able to go because I knew there was nobody around.
I love visiting my mum but hate going to the loo at her house, as it's a little cubicle on its own right at the top of the stairs, and it's very echoey. I find it very hard to go to the loo when I'm there.
I am fine at home. We have recently had an extension up into our attic and there's a little loo up there. I can disappear up to the loft when I need some privacy and it's fine... plus I'm comfortable (-ish) enough with my partner to not mind too much. But if we have visitors, I struggle.
This is going to sound weird, but sometimes I find that I have to tickle myself to make myself pee if I REALLY desperately HAVE to go. I tickle my lower back or the side of my thigh with the tips of my fingers. Sometimes it works. How weird it that?
For me, it's about embarrassment, shame and fear. I don't even like people hearing me unzipping my trousers or, heaven forbid, unwrapping a sanitary towel. In fact just typing the words is making me cringe in embarrassment, even though I'm using a pseudonym and nobody will ever know who I am. I am that ashamed... and I hate it.
You are definately right about one thing, you are not alone with this.
Keep reading the posts, especially the ones which relate to the workshops. I went on the London workshop, it is the best thing I have ever done. Hopefully, in time, you too will be able to get to a workshop.
Does your partner know about this, if not, there are guidance notes on the main website which will help you to talk about this with people. A very important fact here, please don't feel ashamed of yourself. You should be proud that you have managed to put your story on this site.
It is good that you have found this forum, where you will see that your story is not uncommon, and that many people are affected to some degree or other.
To pick up your points in no special order.
Tickling the lower back is a recognized technique for triggering urination: so it is not weird, it is just how the body works. J
You mention your shame and embarrassment. Do read the messages on this forum so as to get more used to seeing the topic discussed openly. And do read the contents of our website at www.ukpt.org.uk, where there is a lot of good advice. Do get hold of Steve Soifer’s book, or Carol Olmert’s (see the books page). Again that will give you case studies and a lot of good advice from two authors who have cured themselves.
You mention the benefit of the extension in the loft. In the short term that is useful, but in the long term it merely adds to the vicious circle of losing confidence at a certain level, and so having to withdraw even further. The only way to progress is to start facing one’s fears, albeit in a very small way, by taking very small steps. The website and the books will explain this.
Your fear sounds like a fear of being heard, which is common, especially among women. The challenge to you is to find anyone who is at all interested in the fact of your peeing. You will not find anyone who is interested. It is you who feel they are, which is a different thing altogether.
One way to start desensitising yourself is to remove the peeing aspect, and the associated anxiety to perform, leaving the anxiety of the situation itself. So when you do NOT need to pee, go to the toilet and go through the motions. Make a noise with your zip, unwrap a sanitary towel. Experience the anxiety and using what you will read on the website and in the books, start to practice managing that anxiety. Challenge your negative thoughts, as if these thoughts come from an evil little imp whispering in your ear. Look for evidence of what you fear. By repeating this exercise time and gain you will gradually become accustomed to that specific situation. Only then attempt to pee in that situation.
Do keep on posting your experiences and thoughts. You say typing these words make you cringe with embarrassment; all the move reason to do it, to face your fear and show it who is boss: you.
Well done for finding us and for posting. Hopefully in time talking about this on here (or even with your partner) wil become easier.
One other tip to go with Andrew's advice is whilst you're in the toilet, get a bottle and pour it into the centre of the bowl. This will help you get used to the noise etc. Get hold of a bottle with one of those tops that you 'suck' from as the water will come one slower.
I have suffered from this condition for as far back as I can remember. I remember going to the urinal at primary school and trying to pee before anyone else came along. It took a while before my urine would flow. Sometimes I could not pee due to panicking excessively that someone else would come along.
At discos there was usually only one cubicle, which was often occupied. Invariably I had to leave the venue and do the toilet outside. This problem has caused me major inconvenience over the years. Additionally I thought I was small and would fantasise to take semi-erections whilst changing in front of others to make myself look bigger. My doctor said that there was nothing wrong with me. I demanded to see a urologist who also said there was nothing wrong with me. I then demanded through my urologist to see a pysychatrist. The psychiatrist told me that there was nothing wrong with me and was dismissive of my problems. He later sent a medical report to my doctor stating that I was suffering from hallucination and was likely to become schizophrenic within 5 years. This caused me problems in my then employment and then re-gaining employment. I am presently a successful science teacher with an exemplary attendance record.
This year - a quarter of a century later - I have at long last learnt that I suffer from body dysmorphia and paruresis. I am seeing my doctor today to ask for cognitive behaviour therapy.
You're certainly not alone ,Olivia. I recognise so many of the things you say as being typical of those of us who have this problem.I understand why you feel embarrassed when other people are around, but you do not need to feel the same when posting on this board. We all sympathise . I know how infuriating it is to hear others go into a toilet and perform straight away when you are struggling, and my pet hate is when, having washed their hands, they then spend ages doing their make-up etc. when you are dying for them to leave. Have you tried going to a workshop? It would be an enormous help and you would leave having learned helpful strategies and having made new friends with people who I can assure you are as normal as can be. Give it a try. Good luck.
