Posted by Matt on 4/6/2009, 11:08 pm

Hi all, I've been lurking on this board, reading up on paruresis and taking in all the advice and experience that has been posted here, for a while. I've just come back from the cinema where I had a really frustrating experience that's thrown me a bit. I guess I'm looking for a little support, and a little advice if anyone has any. Some background: I'm in my early twenties, have had AP for ~10 years maybe ? I've tried on-and-off to desense over the past few years but never with much consistency before now. This year I've made a concerted effort and it's paid off. Whereas before I was only ever able to go in stalls, silently, I've managed to graduate from stalls and can now go with a degree of success in not too-busy urinals, preferably with dividers, urgency and some distance between me and the next guy. This evening I went to the cinema with some friends, and after the film I needed the toilet. I was full of confidence because I'd been able to go earlier in the day with a couple of people at the urinals in a shopping mall near work. I walked into the toilet, nice layout with urinals against three different walls. Fairly busy but not too bad. I walked up to a urinal, stood, and nothing! It's weird: I almost know beforehand if it's going to work or not, whether it's a manageable situation or not. This time not I guess. As I stood there another guy came up and stood right next to me. I knew I wouldn't go, so I zipped up and went to a stall. Stupid thing is, when I practise desensing this would never normally piss me off--misfires happen right? I'd just try again. But when I was having such a good day AP-wise and otherwise with my mates this happens and it really knocked me. I feel like all the frustration and anger I have over this condition has bubbled to the surface and it's overwhelming. There are few times I've been this consciously annoyed by AP... I guess I keep it bottled up most of the time. Is anyone else seriously hacked off by this shit? Another question, do you guys think it was a mistake to try and use the urinals in this situation, insofar as it was 'pressurised' because I had people waiting and the urinal was busier than I might normally choose? It's just, I can go in large toilets with 1/2/3 other people around, so I'm trying to work on busier places and more realistic settings. Anyway, this has helped a bit, writing it out. Apologies for the length of the post. Hope you're all well, Matt

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