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I've been lurking on this board, reading up on paruresis and taking in all the advice and experience that has been posted here, for a while. I've just come back from the cinema where I had a really frustrating experience that's thrown me a bit. I guess I'm looking for a little support, and a little advice if anyone has any.
Some background: I'm in my early twenties, have had AP for ~10 years maybe ? I've tried on-and-off to desense over the past few years but never with much consistency before now. This year I've made a concerted effort and it's paid off. Whereas before I was only ever able to go in stalls, silently, I've managed to graduate from stalls and can now go with a degree of success in not too-busy urinals, preferably with dividers, urgency and some distance between me and the next guy.
This evening I went to the cinema with some friends, and after the film I needed the toilet. I was full of confidence because I'd been able to go earlier in the day with a couple of people at the urinals in a shopping mall near work. I walked into the toilet, nice layout with urinals against three different walls. Fairly busy but not too bad. I walked up to a urinal, stood, and nothing! It's weird: I almost know beforehand if it's going to work or not, whether it's a manageable situation or not. This time not I guess. As I stood there another guy came up and stood right next to me. I knew I wouldn't go, so I zipped up and went to a stall.
Stupid thing is, when I practise desensing this would never normally piss me off--misfires happen right? I'd just try again. But when I was having such a good day AP-wise and otherwise with my mates this happens and it really knocked me. I feel like all the frustration and anger I have over this condition has bubbled to the surface and it's overwhelming. There are few times I've been this consciously annoyed by AP... I guess I keep it bottled up most of the time. Is anyone else seriously hacked off by this shit?
Another question, do you guys think it was a mistake to try and use the urinals in this situation, insofar as it was 'pressurised' because I had people waiting and the urinal was busier than I might normally choose? It's just, I can go in large toilets with 1/2/3 other people around, so I'm trying to work on busier places and more realistic settings.
Anyway, this has helped a bit, writing it out. Apologies for the length of the post.
Hope you're all well, Matt
Re: Frustrated
Posted by AdamP on 4/6/2009, 11:55 pm, in reply to "Frustrated"
Hi Matt, Don't beat yourself up over this one event. I like you have suffered for 15 years before I discovered what was wrong with me.
I have been on both the beginners and advance courses run by the UKPT which have helped loads. I still suffer from time to time and have misfires. If it is a busy toilet I will always use the cubicle which is a safe zone for me.
Perhaps you have just over stepped the mark, especially as the film had just finished and the toilets would have been busy. Tomorrows a new day, think positive and misfires will always happen from time to time. I have recently suffered while on holiday but put it down to having a low urgency which could have been the cause for you this evening.
It's always good to hear other people stories, this forum is for us all no matter how we feel.
AdamP
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Mark L on 5/6/2009, 12:04 am, in reply to "Frustrated"
Hi Matt,
Dont worry about the lengh of your post, the longer the better!
I would say that you may have jumped in the deep end just a bit, as you had friends waiting. To me, this makes one hell of a difference.
Its easy to get frustrated, but dont as miss fires happen even when you're not de-sensing and think you'll be ok.
Maybe try the same sort of toilet again at the same time, but on your own? Get used to that situation and when the time comes for real you will be ready for it.
All the best,
Mark
Re: Frustrated
Posted by alex on 5/6/2009, 7:10 am, in reply to "Frustrated"
Matt lets look at the positive you have AP and on your own, and, reading from this forum and picking up tips, you have gained a considerable degree of success with your difficulties. thats terrific!. dont forget what you have already done. I coined the phrase " hesitation is normal"...but its what you do with this thats important many guys without AP would have had the same reaction. Hesitated to deliver, zipped up and went out to meet the pals you saw this as a failure and started to beat yourself up..a typical response in paruresis put this episode behind you and get back to the things you were able to do before. you have the character to beat this before so keep on trying alex
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Pete L on 5/6/2009, 8:35 am, in reply to "Frustrated"
Hi Matt
I don't think you made a mistake by attempting the urinals. I think the word 'mistake' can be quite self punishing, I'd prefer the expression 'experience', albeit it wasn't for you a good one, on this occasion. Oscar Wilde once said 'Experience is the name we give to our mistakes' Sorry to be all philosophical, I just think it's a positive alternative to the negative!!
Like you, I have read so many messages on this board and, with so much support and advice from others, have learned that misfires happen, they are part of the process. It sounds to me like you have made so much progress with this, so don't let the bad experience knock your confidence. Take a step back if you need to and take in to consideration what you have already achieved. These particular toilets will be there for another day, and another try.
Pete
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Geoff P on 5/6/2009, 9:43 am, in reply to "Frustrated"
Hi Matt,
Good to hear from you and welcome to the board
The other guys have said a lot of useful and encouraging stuff already. The only thing I'd like to add is that, from my experience, trying to push the boundaries of what you are comfortable with too far, can lead to a bit of a set back.
I've found that consolidating what I can do is better in the long run than trying to move on without a firm foundation of success.
Mind you, you did say that you went into the toilet with high confidence. So, don't let it get to you. Put it down to experience. And as Pete said, that toilet will be there for you another day. Try using it a few times when its not so busy ie not at the end of the film. You'll build up your confidence in that particular environment and be better set for success when it is busier.
All the best, and keep us posted.
Cheers,
Geoff.
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Pete (a different one !) on 5/6/2009, 10:37 pm, in reply to "Frustrated"
Matt
To repeat what others have said "Don't let this get you down". It happens to us all. Cinemas at the end of a film, or any public performance where there's a break, are particularly difficult because you know there's going to be a rush and you instinctively, perhaps subconsciously,become anxious and think you can't\go. Try to think the opposite and assume that you WILL pee.
But you sayyou "went to a stall" and presumably were able to go, so what's the problem ? The object of going to the loo is to have a pee, which you did. Does it really matter whether you did it ina cubicle or at a urinal ? NO! - you achieved your objective. The "ideal" which you believe to be the ability to use a urinal without thinking "just like other guys" isn't always possible straightaway for those of us with AP, so just be happy that you have already made good progress and can get relief one way or another, unlike some poor guys who can hardly venture beyond their own bathrooms.
And , if you haven't already done so, do read Stephen Soiffer's book and book youself into a Workshop where talking and practising with other guys is invaluable.
Best of luck, cheer up, think positive and keep peeing !
Pete.
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Gus on 8/6/2009, 5:59 pm, in reply to "Re: Frustrated"
I'm new to this board but just wanted to offer you words of encouragement. This appears to be a mind-bending condition and it batters away at our egos. It sounds like on the day in question you had a good toilet experience as well so put simply is it not one up and one down which makes it even. It coud have been worse with two negative experiences! All the very best.
Re: Frustrated
Posted by Matt on 9/6/2009, 7:32 pm, in reply to "Re: Frustrated"
Just wanted to say thanks for all the support guys. Had a bit of a moment there, but it's all good now... another day, another chance to desense and consolidate what I have achieved, which in perspective is quite a lot, and hopefully to improve.