Posted by Andrew on 17/7/2007, 11:03 am, in reply to "women's workshop?"

Hi Trixie I have emailed all the women on a list I keep to ask them to read your posting, and to ask for ideas of what we could do if not a full workshop. I understand how you feel about a mixed workshop: the men can feel like you as well you know. One advantage of a mixed workshop is that it rams home to the men that it is not a man thing i.e. it does not make them less of a man - how could it when it affects women as well. And the reverse is true i.e. it is not a gender issue. On workshops we make it very clear that if there are any issues that anyone does not feel comfortable to speak about in front of others - it can be dealt with on a 1-2-1 basis. And in the mixed workshop the men and women can choose to separate when needed. Interestingly it was noticeable that the men talked mainly about how they did or did not perform, whereas the women talked mainly about how they felt. However I fully understand where you are coming from and hope we can get a womens workshop off the ground. To come to what you said "I feel a total, utter failure for never having been able to do this with him". Your paruresis is NOT you, you are more than your paruresis, your paruresis does not define you. Try to see it as something separate from you. It is an anxiety related issue, and you are the sum of many many attributes, of which paruresis is just one temporary thing. Your ex did not see a paruretic who happened to be a woman: he saw Trixie, with all the great attributes that drew him to you; to him the paruresis would be as little a thing as say your ingrowing toenail. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would say that their relationship with their partner depends on their partner being able to pee when they are around. So I hope you can change your mind about that statement and rephrase it in a much less major and less "emotional" way. Take care Andrew Chairman

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