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It's difficult to start this and find a good point to begin.
I believe I suffer from AP and have done for some time. I am 20 years old and believe my AP started round about 13-14 when I was in a band with 3 other guys who I thought were great friends. We used to practice in one of the guys garage and did so about twice a week and this is where I believe my AP kicked off and it has diminished my life ever since. The 3 other guys could never be bothered going next door to the guys house to use his toilet so they just peed in empty plastic or beer bottles (there were always some lying around somehow). They just peed in front of each other no problem what so ever, not evening turning around or anything just doing it there and they didn't see any problem with it. I was always the reserved one in the band and the most sensible, i never did any drugs with them or drank as much as they did because i didn't want to so i was always kind of secluded from them and i would rather have spent more time with my girlfriend. I never peed in a bottle in front of them because i was worried about my size and couldn't be bothered with them slagging me off, even though they seen in it as just a laugh I've always been a sensitive person. There type of banter was always to take the mic out of each other and insult one an another as some friends do but they were constant.
With the same friends I also had another negative experience at the cinema when 3 of us went to the toilet, they both walked up to the urinal but I headed towards the cubicle and they both gave me a disgusted look and asked 'are you gay or something' and i just told them to shut up. Even after i went into the cubicle i couldn't pee cause i felt like they were listening to me, even after they'd left the toilet i still couldn't pee, I just gave up. I left the toilet without even peeing feeling so ashamed and stupid and held it in on the bus trip home for about an hour.
A couple of years later we went to a music festival and it was just a nightmare, everyone could just walk up to the fence and piss like it was normal and i just seen it as impossible, i could only go in a portable toilet that everyone used and they absolutely stank and every time i went i felt like my friends where just judging me because they could just piss anywhere no problem, I felt like i was the only person in that 50000 crowd that couldn't piss like everyone else.
Eventually I stopped talking to them because they depressed me that much, sometimes i feel like its my fault for being reserved and not relaxing more but being with them just made me feel inferior, so i no longer talk to them.
Coupled with hyperhidrosis in my armpits (very excessive sweating) these conditions have made me a very anxious person compared to how i used to be when i was younger. After school i went to uni to study music and it was just a nightmare. Constantly drenched in sweat and having to constantly worry about where i could go to the toilet. Luckily there were disabled toilets near the main entrance that everyone used so i could actually live with it at that point. Unfortunately I dropped out after 1st year, i was struggling with the pressure of the work and other aspects made me hate studying my hobby. Although i believe if it wasn't for my ap and sweating i would still be there.
I am being referred to a dermatologist to get my sweating sorted out so right now I feel like I'm dealing with that appropriately.
Reading some of the stories on here makes me feel a little less unique but at the same time my phobias are slightly different. My problem seems to be that I cant pee with people I know and that I cant pee in urinals unless I'm pretty drunk (which of course isn't a solution). I can pee in a stall if there are enough stalls and I don't know the person on either side of me. I had a bad experience at school of being in a toilet with only two stalls, a teacher was in the next one that knew me and we walked in together and he pissed no problem while i stood there ashamed as i just couldn't pee. For me to pee in public I have to go in a stall in a big toilet. I don't mind if a stranger hears me because I know he doesn't know me and can't see me. But if I'm walking into a toilet with a friend I just know already that i wont pee, so i avoid it. I believe right now this is holding me back in life.
II recently split up with my girlfriend (who knew about my ap, we're still tryingg to be friends) and after the split I realised i need to do something about this. I need to stop living my life in comfort zone otherwise I'm going to get old and regret doing nothing with my life.
I've tried to express how ap affects my life and i hope it gets through. My friend also says he's had experiences of shy bladder but he can still go if he forces himself. I dunno if it's also something to do with me being circumcised at a young age and always thought mine looked a bit strange.
I just wish I could pee like everyone else and not worry about it?
Dear Anon - you are not at all unique, as you are starting to realise - there are many many sufferers in the same situation. I myself have made huge progress via UKPT, and one of the areas I still struggle with is when people I know are next to me. I can relate to many of your experiences, and I have met others with exactly the same - there are lots of us!! Help is at hand - I would urge you to attend a UKPT beginners workshop - there is one in September, I will be there.
Is there anything I could try? Ive ordered the "shy bladder" book of amazon so im currently waiting on that being delivered! Visiting a workshop may be something I'd try in the future!
Glad you found us, cos now you know you are not your own, and you can get help. You say you feel your phobia is slightly different. The way you describe it, it is exactly like others who have paruresis. It is the social aspect that everyone has in common. Either being with someone, or feeling that people know what you are doing (or trying to do!), or time pressure. All familiar symptoms. So you are not unique.
The guys in the garage. You have to see it from their perspective. Peeing to them is no more eventful than blowing a nose. So wanting to go to the house to blow one's nose would seem odd.
Coping with comments is not easy; there are two ways. The problem we have is not that we have difficulty peeing in social situations, but what we have made of that fact. So....
Accepting the comments as if you don't care; agreeing with them by saying "yea I'm a shy pisser" or "yea I like privacy when I pee", laughing along with the inevitable comments, accepting a nickname. They would soon lose interest, simply because peeing is not interesting to them. It needs you to be non-emotional about it. It helps to behave as if they are commenting about something physical like being a red head, or being short.
Or being open about it and the grief it is causing you. We have a short script you can use that leads them in along a path they can understand; it is on the website. You can then explain how they can help, by not teasing you and by letting you take as long as you need.
You mention that being circumcised made you feel different and odd. Remember that there are tens of millions of circumcised men in the world: most Americans for a start. The being different is like being the only man without a hat in a group of hatted men. Hats aren't necessary, and everything else about you and them is the same. Any inferiority you feel is self-imposed; it is your choice to change that. e.g. I am Mike and can do this, and that, and the other, oh and I happen to have annoying anxiety condition.
To treat paruresis, we tackle the anxiety. If the anxiety can be reduced and managed, then the chances of peeing are improved. We also provide a safe environment to practice peeing in a structured way, starting at a safe level. This gives one confidence that is possible to pee cos you are actually doing it.
This leads me on to the workshops that Ian mentioned. Just read the feedback on the Discussion Board (search for the word feedback). You will see what participants say about it. So do make an effort to come to the next one (in London 25-27 Sept). You wont regret it.
Hi Anon,if it's any grain of comfort to you I believe your problem you have described is not as well entrenched as mine or hundreds of others on this site so I believe if you attended one of Andrews very well run workshops you would definitely benefit from it.
I can empathise a lot with your story. I was bullied as a 6 or 7 year old in the school toilets and I believe this was largely what set off my AP as I grew older. From that age on I always stuck to the cubicle, regardless of anyone being in the toilet, as I associated the toilet with threat and it felt 'safe'. Later on in primary school everyone used to go into the toilet at break time and go to the urinals and I was the only person who went in the cubicle and I used to get teased a lot for that. This was by classmates and people who, in general, I was quite friendly with. It wasn't malicious but it always instilled in me this feeling that I was odd and a little inferior because I didn't feel comfortable using the urinals in a big group and I was in a tiny minority. What I would take heart from, if you can, is this:
1) Even though your friends may have been comfortable just pissing in a bottle straight in front of everyone else, that's not exactly the social norm and I would safely say that a lot of people who do not even have AP would feel uncomfortable doing that - http://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=546177
2) I was also under the impression that everyone uses urinals all the time. Since tackling AP and desensing I can confirm this is also not remotely true. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been using a urinal and another guy has entered and gone into the cubicle and left the door open. For example, a good friend of mine, who is very confident and easy going, told me won't stand next to someone else at a urinal - he doesn't think anything of it at all and it certainly doesn't affect his day-to-day life. It isn't the be all and end all and you shouldn't feel pressured to be comfortable in that situation. That's the biggest mistake I made in trying to overcome AP - that I HAD to be able to perform all the time and be comfortable in that situation. The result? It only served to heighten my anxiety.
3) The flip side to the above - I always thought all my non-AP mates never ever had any problems using urinals and I was the only person who ever 'locked-up' - again, not true. I've heard a lot of my friends make reference to getting stage fright in the past, the only thing being that they've not been bothered about it and certainly haven't let it affect their self-confidence (like it did me).
I'd definitely recommend going on a workshop - it'll help you look at your worries and anxieties in a whole new way.
