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Hi, I apologise for this long post but I feel so up against it I really don’t know where to turn. I’m 58 had AP since age 8 when at a friends party his mum insisted on standing next to me in the toilet in case I peed on the floor. Went for several bladder tests a few years ago following bladder pains, where the urologist said I had a ‘big floppy bladder’ but didn’t know why though possibly through repeated retention. He said it shouldn’t be a problem but that it probably explained why I had trouble in urinating because it would reduce the urge. Back at the doctors he sent me for a colonoscopy to identify the source of the pains but the results found nothing malign so diagnosed an irritable bowel. I have learned to live with it but I have now discovered my 14 year old son is showing signs of AP. I can’t talk to him about it, I wouldn’t know what to say, but I am distraught. My wife is aware superficially about my condition but doesn’t realise how severe it is and I can’t talk to her about my son as I’m worried she may think its learned behaviour from me. I can’t get away to attend a course so I was wondering if anyone has any ideas of a way forward. My questions are: Will de-sensing work if I have got a damaged bladder? Can I learn to de-sense without attending a course? Is there any intervention I can try to prevent my son’s AP worsening? Thanks
Re: Distraught
Posted by Andrew on 28/8/2013, 1:37 pm, in reply to "Distraught"
Hi Tonio
1. First no apology needed for a “long” post. It was not a long one, and anyway a post is as long as it needs to be. :-)
2. It would help to know the extent of your shy bladder. Could you say if you can go in the following situations, and add comments if it depends on certain conditions?
Yes No Comments plus conditions for Y/N 1. At home alone
2. At home with visitors
3. At a friend’s or relation’s house
4. Public toilet cubicle with solid wall and door
5. Public toilet cubicle with gaps in walls and doors
6. Train
7. Plane
For men only: in the following comment on types of people, separation etc
8. Urinals with dividers in spacious toilet
9. Urinals without dividers in spacious toilet
10. Urinals (2 or 3) with dividers in small toilet
11. Urinals (2 or 3) without dividers in small toilet
12. other
3. Next you say your son is showing signs of having a shy bladder, Could you tell me what makes you say that i.e. what have you observed? NB not what you have made of what you saw or heard.
4. To answer your questions. Yes desensing will work. The “damage” is only that the muscle has got stretched over time and so is not able to squeeze as strongly as it once could. This means the urine is more likely to drain out rather than squirt out. Don’t forget that with age this tends to happen anyway. Desensing has a twofold aim: the first is to get you accustomed to peeing when others are around, but the second is to get you used to standing there waiting for it to happen, without getting anxious about it.
5. You can desense without coming to a workshop. Many have. The best bet is to read our website (the link is above) and/or get hold of the book on the book page.
6. Intervention: can we leave this till you have answered question 3 above?
7. You say you cant get away to attend a workshop. Could you let us know what prevents you? We may be able to help.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, so we can move forward with this.
Andrew
Re: Distraught
Posted by Tonio on 29/8/2013, 6:08 am, in reply to "Re: Distraught"
Thanks for your response.
1. At home alone - Yes
2. At home with visitors - Yes if no-one is too near the loo or waiting for me
3. At a friend’s or relation’s house - Same as Q2
4. Public toilet cubicle with solid wall and door - Sometimes, if no one’s waiting and there's plenty of background noise.
5. Public toilet cubicle with gaps in walls and doors - Occasionally if there's background noise.
6. Train – Prefer not to but possibly if no- ones waiting
7. Plane - No
For men only: in the following comment on types of people, separation etc
8. Urinals with dividers in spacious toilet – No
9. Urinals without dividers in spacious toilet - No
10. Urinals (2 or 3) with dividers in small toilet - No
11. Urinals (2 or 3) without dividers in small toilet - No
12. A lot seems to depend if others are listening or waiting.
My son. – A year ago he asked me why he can’t pee when anyone’s watching and since then I have noticed him using cubicles or avoiding busy loos.
Workshop - I have difficulty getting away at weekends due to work and family commitments also I don’t know how I could explain it to my wife and family.
Re: Distraught
Posted by Andrew on 30/8/2013, 7:44 pm, in reply to "Re: Distraught"
HI Tonio
First your son. The fact that he asked you about it is significant, cos most guys go to great lengths to hide the condition, and would not dream of mentioning it to a father. It suggests he finds it a nuisance, but possibly not a shameful burden? If that is the case, maybe he can live with it without it affecting his life?
As for it being a learned behaviour from you: OK you may not have taken him into toilets from being a young kid, but he has had school to "learn" in. My son is OK and I never went to a loo with him.
As for you; do consider telling your wife about it and how it is affecting you. There is a short script on the website which others have found helpful.
Get the book "Shy Bladder Syndrome" by Steve Soifer via Amazon - dont worry it will come wrapped up.
Then start on desensing. Look for a large quietish toilet in a shopping centre or services. But start with desensing to the place itself and not to peeing there. Use the "faking it" technique (see section 19). Only when being in a cubicle ceases to raise a lot of anxiety is it worth fluid loading and desensing to peeing in a cubicle.
As for attending a workshop: To explain going away to family, you could say it is a workshop for anxiety issues; no need to go into details. Getting away from work is a problem, but there are hopefully some weekends off? As for family commitments, yes they do exist. But if you had to go to hospital for treatment, you would just have to go wouldn't you. Our next workshop is in London on 27-29 September. Come and see me there!
You can also go to your GP and ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist for CBT treatment.
Anyway thats enough for now. Have a think, and a read, and come back anytime either here or directly by email.
Cheers
Andrew
Re: Distraught
Posted by Colin on 6/9/2013, 4:16 pm, in reply to "Re: Distraught"
Hi Tonio On the subject of telling your wife, my advice is do it. I finally plucked up courage to tell my wife ( I had to, I had already booked the workshop) and she ws most supportive once I explained (there is help on the UKPT site with telling people) You will very likely be surprised how little your wife will respond. And in any case, as Andrew points out, if you have a medical problem you have to get it sorted out. I hope you can attend a workshop soon, but if not please do keep in touch with the UKPT. They really can help you. Colin
Re: Distraught
Posted by william on 30/8/2013, 4:55 pm, in reply to "Distraught"
you really need to seek counseling for both of you with a psychologist familiar with phobias and CBT...