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I've recently started dating a lady, were getting along really well (been on 3 dates). AP is causing me problems on our last 2 dates. For new years eve bar in Southwark- I visited the toilet during the fireworks (because everyone outside at that time so they were quiet), this didn't go down too well! This Friday eve tate modern, was gone for several minutes before I could go; on my return she asked if I ok & her body language a bit negative. To compound this I have IBS- although am changing my diet & this has very quickly started to significantly help with this problem. In fact I told her about the IBS (I didn't have any problem with this at all) & she was understanding & still keen to meet up again (at least this gives a reason for why I might take a while in the toilet). She has had social anxiety issues herself so is understanding.
However, several months ago I was seeing a psychologist about AP, upon asking he said that before telling someone about AP he advised that I should first know the person REALLY well for at least 3 months first (particularly a potential girlfriend!).
If I did tell her it would be a massive weight off my mind & would mean if I am gone to the toilet for several minutes no problem or suspicions.
I am fairly severe with AP, I have done desensitization work etc, unfortunately I think I'm one of the few people this won't help massively I just have to get on with life with AP- I manage this well & it really doesn't bother me much any more- I use catheters when absolutely necessary. It only bothers me right now when dating this lady.
It sounds like you two are quite trusting already - she has told you about her anxiety and you have told her about your IBS. Also you seem quite comfortable with your AP and I wouldn't think she would be too judgemental as she has anxiety issues herself. Like you say it will be a weight off your mind. She will not think it is as a big a deal as you do, let's put it that way. I told my ex when we were together and she hardly batted an eyelid. It did not affect the relationship at all. Just make sure you are doing it for your benefit - like you say it's a weight off your mind. It's not going to be a big deal for her - and if you didn't want to tell her you wouldn't have posted on here!
Yes id also say tell her. Its a big part of your life that effects alot of things you do every day. You'd tell her if you had a kid straight away so whats the difference? If you dont, your whole relationship will be based on constant little white lies.
Out of everyone iv heard on this message board telling other people, not one has said they've had a puzzled look.
I think any judging she is likely to do will be more to do with how you portray yourself. Show yourself as someone who is coping and just wants to let her know why you sometimes need longer than usual, and it will come over OK.
Show yourself as a victim, and self-pitying, that could really put her off.
Thank you guys for all your advice. I told her about my AP & it wasn't a problem at all. Yesterday we spent several hours in a pub & because I had told her I was more at ease & didn't have any problems using the toilet in the cubicle.
