This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
I'm in my late 20's, and i've had this for quite a long time, probably since early teens. I'm at a point where i don't think i can use urinals, but then i haven't even tried in about 10 years or more, probably from fear of failure i guess. Funnily enough, i'm actually better now than when I was a teenager, as I can remember struggling in cubicles back then which I don't really have any problems with anymore, so it's not entirely crippling nowadays at least. Although I have alot of sad memories from my late teens of either being gagging for a slash in pubs with grotty little bogs and long queues, or crying off from parties early with some lame excuse.
Sadly, i now work in a big office, mostly blokes, and the tiniest office bogs you can imagine that isn't just a solo-loo (which would actually be easier for me lol!). Even though there are nicer, less 'intimate', public loos locally which i do occasionally use in my breaks, i am regularly holding it to bursting point, or just not drinking much all day, and i'm concerned that this isn't doing my body much good.
I suppose i'm posting this in an attempt to commit myself to actually doing some de-sensing, rather than just thinking about it. I'm not going to try in the work bogs, cos although im alright in the cubicle, the urinals have high traffic of my managers/colleagues and i think i'd make very little progress there. But i'm going to try using the public loos I occasionally use to try some de-sensing.
What would people recommend? Should I just take the nuclear option and go straight for a urinal and have a go? I guess the worst thing that happens is i fail, and use the cubicle instead. It's been so long since i tried anything that kind of tests me, i just always take the easy option that i know i'll succeed with. I know people will advise me to go on the course, but i'd rather have a try on my own and see if i make any progress, and reserve the course as an option if i fail miserably.
I'm not entirely sure why i typed all this out really, I assume the info i need is on the main site anyway. Nice just to 'get it out' in a way, even if anonymously. It'd be even nicer to actually go out and have a few beers without worrying if the pub loos have a cubicle before I even need to use them lol!
Good to hear from you. It does help to get things off your chest, so carry on posting when you feel like it.
I would caution against the nuclear option. You need to build up confidence gradually, which is where gradual desensitisation comes in. Find somewhere spacious and quietish e.g. shopping centre, motorway services. First time go and fake it i.e. do everything but pee, so that you can get used to the environment, noises etc. Its helpful to repeat this until you get bored with it.
Then fluid load: say a litre to 1.5 litre (depending on your build and how dehydrated you are. Wait 45 - 60 mins; you are looking for a strong but not uncomforable urge to go. Enter not caring whether you pee or not, cos you have an escape route (i.e the cubicle). Allow yourself plenty of time at the urinal to calm down e.g. say to yourself nothing is going to happen for say 20 secs: and slowly count up from one. When you do pee, get a flow and stop it after 3 secs. Leave, browse in a shop for 3 - 5 mins, then go back in and repeat. and repeat.
Get used to standng there not peeing, so you can manage a delay, and manage waiting out someone nearby who unsettles you.
When you feel you can manage that 90% of the time, work out a next step up the ladder of challenge; but keep the steps small!
These steps comprise things like spaciousness, busyness,proximity of other persons, presence/absence of dividers, nature of other: strangers, trusted mates, friends, acquaintances, colleagues. So you can see there are a lot of steps to play with.
Never use the word failure; most guys have lock ups; the difference is that guys with paruresis make a big deal of it; others just shrug their shoulders, leave and return a bit later.
Do not aim to be able to stand next to someone - that comes later, if at all; a lot of men without paruresis prefer not to stand next to someone, and will hang back till a suitable urinal comes free, or use a cubicle openly. Being able to go with a gap of one between you and someone else is more quickly achievable.
I didn't get a chance to read your response Andrew until thursday evening, so I had a go at the urinals thursday daytime and shocked myself by managing to go pretty much straight away. I had already geared myself up with a couple of the things you mention eg. fluid loading, planning to fake it and use cubicles, and I'd tried to stop myself over-thinking things, and just got into a kind of 'who cares, it's worth trying' mindset. I was quite fortunate as although there were people using the cubicles and people around generally, there was no one in really close proximity. I didn't try stopping myself and using them again later though. I might try doing that when i have more free time, and can afford to pop back regularly (I can't get away with it during work so much).
I managed to use them again twice today though, at a different toilet this time. There were a few more people using the urinals the first time, so seemed like slightly more of a challenge i guess.
I'm just amazed i'm managing to go at all. I dont know if it's because i've been using cubicles in public loos alot more recently or something and grown accustomed to it. I wish i'd tried sooner.
I don't doubt i'll have some lock-ups as i start increasing the difficulty abit, but i think I probably need to so i can get used to the idea that it's normal to misfire. At the moment i'm kind of running on success, whereas it'll be a bigger test to lock-up and learn to get back on the horse afterwards so to speak.
Thanks again for the replies, i'll keep you posted on my progress over the coming weeks.
Congratulations J. The "who cares" mindset is good. Some guys strengthen it by developing a "f**k you" attitude; it makes you more alpha male I guess. Dont rush things, coincentrate oin buoidng up a lot of notches on your belt.
I started using the urinals in the public loos pretty much every day through december. I've locked up on a few occasions though, probably 1 in every 5 tries, and I can usually figure out what caused it and reflect on how to improve. Often, it's either not fluid loading enough so the urge isn't strong enough to overcome any anxiety, or hesitating and overthinking things, which kind of throws me off. That said, I was definately getting alot better by the end of Dec. I didn't practice much in the hols, was lazy really. At the start of Jan i locked up a few times and it knocked my confidence abit, but I quickly got back into the routine of going at the very least once at the urinals a day, often more, and over the past week i've attempted to increase the difficulty a little when possible (it'd look wierd standing closer to other urinal users in an otherwise empty toilet, so i have to pick my moments ). One great thing is i'm finding I can use the urinals in the pokey work loos with the right conditions, which feels like quite a big improvement already! It's good though even when i'm in a particularly easy situation, cos it all feels like a step in the right direction.
Going to continue practicing and trying to up the difficulty when I can. I still have a long way to go, and have yet to be in a particularly high pressure setting like with a queue or stading next to someone or anything like that. Will update again in a couple of months i think, as long as nothing major goes wrong in the mean time. I think posting here is kind of theraputic, by writing things down it feels like i'm taking control and dealing with this phobia.
). One great thing is i'm finding I can use the urinals in the pokey work loos with the right conditions, which feels like quite a big improvement already! It's good though even when i'm in a particularly easy situation, cos it all feels like a step in the right direction.