U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

This Discussion Board is for men who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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workshop meeting

Posted by michael clarke on 15/12/2009, 1:58 am

Hello im Michael ive been a sufferer with AP for many years and it would be fair to say that it has taken the enjoyment out of life for me.Mainly because of the internl damage i have done to my bladder which i know for shaw is a knock on affect from the Paruresis.The doctor said to me for a man of your age you cant empty your bladder properly ie short amounts the flow not being nonmal etc.This has caused mega stress for me and the way my life is for one i never go to bed at a normal time meaning 3.4.even 5.am with visits to toilet i then of cause get up late meaning the day is gone which isnt nomal holding a job down important appointments and not to mention relationships all fall under the spotlight of this bad sleep pattern.Then theres the hours which im trying to run my life i work nights and i always have a worry with finding a toilet and we all know it cant be any place up against any wall it has to be comfortable place for me with a lock on the door and total privacy i also have to wait for other chaps to leave the toilet before i can go.If the door opens i seize up and i wont go its a real nitemare for me.When i go out for a beer i go alone and wait and watch the toilet door so i know when to go in so thats quite sad i then might lose my seat in the bar area when i come back from the toilet.Or what i really hate is when you get a group of people come over when im sitting drinking a pint and say can me and my friends sit here because we noticed there free so my pub life isnt great everyone.And there you have it a day in the life for me getting my space ambushed at the end of the night really puts thee icecing on the cake for being a man with Paruresis.Oh your probably thinking why not let them join you for a drink but thats what im/we are all scared of them finding out about what i /we have.
best wishes Michael.

Re: workshop meeting

Posted by Simon on 15/12/2009, 5:44 pm, in reply to "workshop meeting"

Hi Michael
Thats a very open message you just sent there. Hats off to you.
I'd have to say in response to that, get yourself to a workshop. You will find it livesaving believe me. I've been on 2 and I used to experience what you've been going through.
I'm still working hard to overcome some aspects, but overall my life has improved like a million percent.
Just remember you are not alone and remember AP can be beaten and if you want you can beat it too.

Re: workshop meeting

Posted by Mark L on 15/12/2009, 10:36 pm, in reply to "Re: workshop meeting"

Hi Michael,

Your post sumarises how most of us have lived our lives at some point. I used to be a bad/severe case a few years ago, ie, I couldnt go in my own home when my gilfreind was down stairs.

A beginners workshop changed everything and got my life back straight away. Have a read through as many posts as you can on here, also read from the main website. Then please book or at least enquire about a workshop as it will be the best thing you will ever do.

Keep us updated with thoughts or anything else.

Cheers,

Mark

Re: workshop meeting

Posted by michael on 16/12/2009, 9:31 pm, in reply to "Re: workshop meeting"

Hi its Michael here just to say many thanks to Mark and Simon for your support and advice you can count me in for the workshop meeting.Andrew tells me end of Feb 2010.Told my mum and dad yesterday 14 years of hurt came out havent cried like that for years my old dear was very supportive.I had that same prob Mark when my ex girlfriend was in my home i told her i trouble peeing but not to the extent as we know it we finised over a year ago thats another story thoe.Thanks for reading chaps
many thanks Michael

Re: workshop meeting

Posted by Simon on 16/12/2009, 11:09 pm, in reply to "Re: workshop meeting"

You'll find it easier now you've told someone. Since I told my gf its been a lot easier going out places together, being in the same flat is now no problem. The worst part about AP is it is a secret, you dont think you can tell anyone, but once you do it is so much easier to deal with the day to day stuff like going out, staying in.... I havn't told my parents thats another bridge to cross I guess.

Re: workshop meeting

Posted by Andrew on 17/12/2009, 8:41 am, in reply to "Re: workshop meeting"

HI Michael

Well done for telling your parents. Letting all the unhappiness out is cathartic i.e. it gets the bad stuff out of your system and it helps you to move on. And hopefully you have noticed that they did not react as if you had cancer, or two heads; instead to them a peeing problem is a minor problem, not something shameful - it is us who make into something major and destructive.

cheers

Andrew

New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year.

Posted by Rob on 4/1/2010, 10:29 am, in reply to "Re: workshop meeting"

Hello all

I am in my early 30s and have been suffering from this since I was in my early teens. Actually just typing this and thinking I have struggled for almost 20 years!!
I never even knew what it was called until last week when at work (with a near empty office) I decided to google stage fright ( but all I got were tips for actors which was funny)
It was such a relief to actually come across a society when all these years I thought I was part of a rare breed. I have spent hours reading all the posts & can relate to them all.
Xmas was especially hard when trying to go to the toilet in packed pubs, restaurants, clubs. I went to a rugby match with my brother & father on boxing night (worst nightmare ever) & I had to go just before half time / full time to avoid the crowd & go in the cubicle & still got strange looks from other guys wondering why I didn't use the empty long urinals. My brother kept saying just wait till half time it's only a few minutes away but no way, even if I was about to explode I would freeze up.

It is now getting so bad I am starting to turn down weddings, stag weekends, music festivals, boys weekends & dreading all other social events.

I have never told anyone close to me (even my girlfriend of nearly 5 years) but I think she suspects something.

I have been to a hypnotherapist twice but he was useless but gladly took my money & kept saying you need more sessions. But of course I do as he rubbed his hands together.

I really want to go to the workshops but do not want to tell my girlfriend / do not want to tell anyone. It is simply too embarrassing & even though I know she would support me I know it would alter our relationship. I could imagine every time we were in a pub or restaurant when I would go to the toilet she would just give me this look & also am afraid she would tell one of her friends / or a family member to seek support / advice. I don't want anyone to know.

Anyway I am sorry for waffling on but there is nothing more that I want this year than to simply be able to use the toilet. It has wrecked my social life & my work life.

Is there a way of going to workshops for a few hrs instead of most of the weekend. otherwise she will think I am having an affair which to be honest would be less embarrassing

Thanks in advance,

Rob

Re: New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year.

Posted by Andrew on 4/1/2010, 2:06 pm, in reply to "New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year. "

Hi Rob

This is crunch time for you.

Firstly you cannot attend a beginners workshop for a few hours: there is a tight schedule of work that takes the full time to do. Past experience with letting a participant miss only the Friday evening did not work out.

You are going to have to confide in your gf. Lets face it, at the rate you are turning down invitations, either your relationship will suffer, or it will all come out anyway. The reaction from partners is always (a) why did you not tell me sooner? and (b) its no big deal.

We have a script for telling someone here:
http://www.ukpt.org.uk/first_visit/first_visit_How_to_Tell_Someone.htm

It is short, and leads them in in steps they can understand and accept.

When you have told her, you can lay down the rules as to what she can do to help e.g. not commment on it to you when you are out, and to cover for you if you take a long time etc.

This is a big deal for you as it is for all guys who attend workshops. But peeing is a non-event for most people, so they see it as something minor. You in fact will have to explain how it messes things up for you, and why you need to attend a workshop. All you need to do together is to agree a script e.g Rob has gone off for the weekend on a work course, or on a confidence building course, or to visit a friend - whatever.

I know this is hard for you; you would rather do anything other than tell her. But a longterm relationship is a trusting relationship, and that works both ways. She would expect you to trust her with something so important to you. If that trust is not there, is there truly a relationship?

You say she suspects something; if you tell her, you can keep it between you. If you do not, she may well discuss with others the fact that there is something odd going on that you are not admitting to. Much better to keep it between you two alone.

Bite the bullet and come on a workshop.

And feel free to email me if that helps

Andrew

Re: New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year.

Posted by Colin on 4/1/2010, 7:42 pm, in reply to "Re: New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year. "

Hi Rob

I support everything Andrew says above. You need a workshop, mate.

You have suffered enough!

Whatever you have to do, whoever you have to tell, whatever it takes, get to a workshop ASAP. It will change your life forever.

And that is all you want, right?

Colin

Re: New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year.

Posted by Rob on 6/1/2010, 10:17 am, in reply to "Re: New Years Resolution I want to sort this out this year. "

Hi Colin & Andrew

thanks for getting back to me so soon. Money is very tight for me at moment (I suppose like many in January) but I am so desperate to sort this out I would like to do the next available workshop. I can't travel to Manchester but can you please tell me when the next London event is.

Thanks again

Rob