This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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I've enjoyed reading some all too familiar tales here over the last few days, so I thought it's only fair that I chip in with my own story. This seems to be a much more widespread problem than I'd ever imagined, and I think there's a lot to be said for accepting and discussing it openly, even if only anonymously.
I'm 26 now, but first started to have difficulty at middle school when I was about 12 and began using cubicles instead of the trough. I don't remember any one particular event bringing on the change, but since about that age I've always been rather quiet/shy and private generally. Trying to analyse myself a bit, I probably care far too much about what other people think of me and I guess the AP is just one symptom of that. I wouldn't say it causes me any major problems in going about my daily life, I can usually work around it when I'm out and about so it's more an inconvenience than anything else - but it's not something I want to live with any longer. It just seems so irrational and apart from that, things do get a bit uncomfortable at times!
At the moment home isn't a problem provided there's nobody near the door, and if I'm bursting I'll use a cubicle in a busy public toilet provided there's plenty of background noise, but urinals are a problem. I've been trying to desensitise on and off for a while now with varying success. Had a bit of a breakthrough a few weeks ago after a couple of hours being shaken around in a friend's Lotus with a full bladder. We stopped at a pub for lunch and after the usual routine of holding on while my friends visited the toilets and picking my moment carefully before "going in" I was able to pee in a urinal for the first time in six years, but only because I was bursting, there was nobody else around and I was in a totally relaxed and positive frame of mind at the time. Even so it still felt incredibly satisfying where I'd normally have just locked up, then given up and gone for a cubicle instead. I must have been there for a good minute without feeling anxious at all. I haven't been able to repeat it since, but even more determined to sort this out now.
Not sure I'm ready for a workshop just yet, but I do want to step up my game a bit and I'll report back with anything I think might be useful.
Well done Jonathan for your posting. As it happens this is the very first time I've written altho have been looking here for over a year! Like you I'm shy & always worried about what others might think. However I am 55! Whatever you do dont let AP spoil your life the way it has mine. I'm just SO glad now this site exists to show us we are NOT freaks. Everyone describes all the feelings & frustrations that I can identify with over the years. I can use cubicles OK but if anyone else is present,I lock up completely at urinals. One day I'll have to sign up for a workshop but cant really see it working for me!
Good to hear from you. What you say about "I probably care far too much about what other people think of me and I guess the AP is just one symptom of that" is so true. I was like that; but it is possible to work on that cognitively, and we do deal with that on the workshop.
What makes you say you are not sure you are ready for a workshop yet? What needs to happen for you to be ready?
Ok, I thought you might say that. It's more the not knowing what to expect, and a bit like Jim i often find social situations challenging at the best of times. Throw in a topic that, let's be honest, I've always thought of as deeply private and it becomes even more difficult. I've yet to tell anyone about this let alone seek any help, but neither do I think it'll just stop happening without my consciously deciding to do something about it. Ideally I want to see if I can make any progress by myself first - this site alone contains some wonderful advice.
Sadly though I'm still at the stage where the misfires massively outweigh the (very) occasional success. Earlier this afternoon I tanked up before visiting the quiet facilities at a DIY store. Conditions were almost ideal and despite a good 5 minutes uninterrupted standing at both the urinals and then in a cubicle... nothing. My subconscious shouting "NO... THIS ISN'T RIGHT". Very, very frustrating not being able to do something that should be so damned simple!! It's all state of mind, and partly me feeling a bit odd about hanging around a toilet for ages. Am I trying to run before I can walk?
Re not knowing what to expect: I prefer not to give out details of what we do on a workshop, on the basis that the more info you give out, the more likely that the paruretic personality will find something offputting (however wrongly so). Hence why I prefer to point people to the feedback from previous participants. The one danger of that is that the feedback can be so upbeat that the reader ends up not being able to relate to it. Cant win!
Are you trying to run before you can walk? Yes you are. We do not do that on a workshop! You need to get used to the home environment when a buddy is placed where you want the buddy to be; and to gradually get to the point where you can go when the buddy is in the open doorway (but facing out). Then you can go for cubicles.
And/ or you can practice in cubicles by repeatedly faking it (see the website info about this).
Or you can really progress quickly by coming on a workshop - sorry, but you knew I would say that!
Sounds great. I'll be in touch rather than flooding the board any more.
Where I'm slightly baffled so far is that I'm not exactly putting myself in any situations where I've never 'gone' before, so what's different? It's a bit inconsistent and I only wish I were more patient about it all! To be honest I just want to eliminate this little issue and get on with my life now. Reservations aside I'm quite confident I've got it in me to do that with a bit of the right guidance, and just knowing there are so many others going through all the thoughts and experiences I empathise with, and being able to write about them where I'll be understood (I hope) is a HUGE confidence boost and has given me the inspiration I needed to stop avoiding and start thinking about tackling it myself. For that much, it needs to be said, thanks!
