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Hi everyone names Matt i am 21 and have suffered from what i now know as paruresis for about ten years. Obviously there is a reason behind this but i hate telling people, but as where all in the same boat i feel as though i can post it. Please take the time to read this and sorry if i ramble on but this is my first post.
The Accident... So here goes, whilst on a school trip in 1999 to a woodland kind of camp for kids which lasted a week but this was no problem at this point but I'll go on. During this time we did all types of activities such absailing and sailing etc. Through what i can remember of the trip i had no problem peeing,BUT i suffered a somewhat bizarre accident, on the very last day whilst on the very last activity "HORSE RIDING" I'll let your imagination wander a bit........ you can probably guess it bit me and of all places it had to bite me on the member( i don't like the word penis ). This happened about a 2mins or so before we where to get back on the bus to go home, no real damage was done just a small scar at the end of my member, but lets go on a few years to high school.
High School... All i remember of any problems i had in the first year or two of high school was after i used the loo i always thought i was bleeding and would have to go check and when i did there was no blood but this did not stop my mind wandering. This was the start of it, it then got harder to use the urinals but i could use the cubicles yes i had relief. But as the school year went on i went being able use any cubicle in any of the schools toilets to only being able to use the toilets down the special needs corridor which i found was free all the time this saved me and helped me concentrate on school. But year 11 came to an end to quickly and i joined college in 2004.
College... My main goal in life was to become a firefighter so i joined a Public Services course. I remember the first few days where you all have to get to know one another, there where two lads in there very macho you know the type tall big build and always talking about how many girls he has on the go, i remember going to the loo and i managed to go as it was quiet because everyone was in class, so i made my way back and rejoined everyone and almost straight away one the macho lads commented on how long i had took in the loo the made me very paranoid i remember thinking why has he said that was i being timed is there average time that people without AP take to pee, this was the beginning of a long long college year.
For the next few months i would continue college as normal except i would not drink anything all day which was quite hard as this course required me to do alot of sports, so obviously i spent the days with a mouth that felt like sand paper. This carried on for months and i started to notice my fitness was getting worse but what could i do telling anyone was out of the question. I then had miracle we where to use the sports gym which happened to have two single toilets, these are an APs dream the toilets where very long i would say the door to the bowl was a good ten foot apart and the door was solid with two locks it was made of brick so no flimsy divider, this saved me we would use the gym every day and i was now free to drink as much as i wanted and could freely wander away from my friends to use this loo and they where none the wiser life was good i was in a good moo every day and i felt brilliant but as it was i was to dependent on this loo and that fact soon bit me on the backside. We where to go on a trip to a RAF base in Yorkshire which was about two and a half hours away from my beloved loo but there was no way to get out of this so on to the coach i went this was a bad day but all I'll put is that i couldn't pee and ended up holding for about 14 hours until we finally arrived back at college at which i had conveniently left something near my loo. And so 5 years on i write this garbled story which i thank you for reading, obviously there's more bad experiences but i don't want to bore you with stories that will very similar to your own.
Once again cheers for reading and sorry if there are any spelling mistakes Matty.
Great post Matty... It took balls to get all that off your chest! (If that's not too weird an image).
I know exactly where you're coming from with this idea of 'beloved loos' - looking back over the last few years I can remember really favouring certain pubs/bars which had more AP friendly set ups... (there aren't that many as I'm sure you're all too aware!) This can get quite weird on a night out when you start trying to persuade people it would be great to get a swift one at the Orc's Elbow or wherever, just cause you know it's somewhere you can get a quick tactical one in.
Do you think your problem is a visual one (as in you're embarrassed about the scar) or just a case of nerves (caused by the horse accident)? This might help in terms of thinking of ways to move forward with your AP...
Cheers Adam for taking the time to read my post i have read your reply and to be honest i don't know if its visual or nerves but i hope to help my self by using this brilliant website and reading what everyone else has posted.
Well done for finding this site and for putting up your first post. Its very reassuring to read other peoples 'similar' stories.
Unfortunatly I dont think it matters how your paruresis started, so to cure it you will have to go down the same route as everyone else. The good news is that you're only young and you havent let it stop you from doing anything yet. So now is a good time to tackle this. Make sure you have a read of as many posts as you can, there is some great advice about de-sensing (getting used to urinals) in mine and 'Geoff P's posts.
Also, start up your own blog so you can keep a diary of how you are getting on and also so we can get encouragment from reading it. The best thing you can ever do to help this condition, is get onto a workshop. Email Andrew for detalis of the next one (they take place in London or Manchester). Before I went to one, I couldnt use a cubicle when out and about with my other half. After the workshop, I can always use a cubicle anywhere, even if there's just one. I also managed to use a urinal in a large WC at a very busy service station.
Well done for getting your story out. It really does help to bring it into the open and then to get supportive responses.
That guy's comment "why did you take so long" was really odd; why was he paying attention to what others going to the toilet? Unfortunately guys with paruresis get so insecure about it that they fail to recognise that anyone else would either shrug and say "who'se counting" or would go on the attack "what's it to do with you mate; you pervy or summat?" soon shuts them up.
So remember; you do not need to explain or justify. "it takes as long as it takes" or "I was writing graffiti on all the walls ""guys name" times people in toilets".
And no need for apologies about rambling and spelling; that what this board is here for :-)
Feel free to tell some more of your story if it helps you
Hi Matty, The first thing you need to know is that you are completely accepted here for who you are. You certainly don't need to apologise for rambling, or for anything else. Everyone here has a story and it's the sharing of these and our day to day experiences that encourages us and everyone else and helps us to feel ok about having this peeing problem.
The most important thing is that you've found this site and are starting to take steps to sort the problem. Do have a good read of the info on the main site. Start desensing slowly, with small steps. And keep us up to date with how you are getting on. Let us know about your successes and the not such good times as well.
We're all in this together and we're here for you mate.
