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Hi everyone, First time posting. Spent the last few weeks reading much on the forum, both this one & USA. It's provided a huge insight in to my condition. Like many others, I really did think I was unique & suffered in silence. I'm 47 & looking back the saddest aspect is the extent to which I have allowed this phobia to dictate my life. Perhaps the main realisation reading through is that avoidance paruresis is indeed a phobia. A phobia is an irrational fear that causes the sufferer to flee if possible. That's the real problem isn't it?. We lock up irrationally & 'avoid' the cause wherever possible. That realisation leads to the obviouse conclusion. As with any other phobia, avoid it & it gets worse. That in turn for me leads to the answer which I am sure is what the workshops & all other advice is about. Some how we need to stop avoiding & then deal with the fear. Paruresis is of course different in that we want 'to do something' & our failure is on a sub-conscious level effectively beyond our control. This in turn if you will bear with me leads to the one question to which we all need an answer. How to deal with it when we feel embarrassed by our inability to pee at will. Be prepared to deal with that & the need to avoid goes away. It's the avoidance that cripples our lives, not the inability to pee. We can all get home or find another less crowded loo, depending upon our level of severity. Personally, I'm not sure how bad mine is because I avoid so much. I just don't want to deal with the embarrassment as I perceive it. I've read the "stuff it, I just don't care" line & I'm sure that's right, but still I avoid. I don't have to beat the paruresis. It's the avoidance that is the problem. I suspect if I can do that the other problem will start to evaporate, that's the problem, not the pee!. For me to stop avoding, I have to believe I can handle the envisaged outcome, if & when it does happy. That is where I feel I need advice. How to cope with those negative fears of what someone might think or say if shock, horror I can't pee on command.
Re: Phobia
Posted by Raymond on 4/8/2008, 7:24 am, in reply to "Phobia"
Hi Simon
Have read your message, traumatic though it is, it sounds pretty representative of all of us at some stage.
If you really want to beat this condition, and from your post I'm sure you do. It would be essential for you to attend a beginners workshop.
Unbeleivable progress is possible in just one weekend, and it will fix you up with all of the know how to move forward from then on. Like in a school, people will progress at different rates individually, that is normal. Just consider enroling yourself on the next one, we all owe to ourselves the chance to have a life without this very restrictive problem.
I only went on the beginners course in January, it is nothing at all to worry about. It is extremely entertaining, and this time goes very quickly. I will not go into my personal progress just now, but what I learned was put into practice from the moment the course finished, and I have progressed beyond my wildest dreams.
The key to progress is definitely the course, we can not beat this without being given the tools to tackle problem. That is what a weekend course will give you.
Cheers,
Raymond.
Re: Social anxiety
Posted by Andrew on 4/8/2008, 10:52 am, in reply to "Phobia"
Hi Simon
Good to hear from you; you are spot on in most of what you have written,
You said: “For me to stop avoiding, I have to believe I can handle the envisaged outcome, if & when it does happen. That is where I feel I need advice. How to cope with those negative fears of what someone might think or say if shock, horror I can't pee on command.”
Paruretics always feel that they will have to tell the whole story, warts and all – and it is too embarrassing to contemplate. But those who don’t have paruresis will just say “uh huh water works problems. Doesn’t seem to be happening this time” and shrug it off. People know about the prostate, and there is an expectation that older guys may have difficulty from time to time.
As for what others think. The feedback from those who have taken our advice and have confided to others on a “need to know, and I trust them” basis, is the complete absence of shock. A minority of listeners will be able to empathise, or will know someone (even themselves) who struggles in certain situations; others will listen to you, sympathise, and then move on to another topic: they will even have forgotten you told them a few hours or days later. Why? Because it is NOT a big deal for them; it is only a big deal for YOU.
On our website is a short script on how to tell someone, and survive. it works, try it.
A powerful tool in the treatment of this condition is what we call “faking it”. It is to enable you to get used to being in an uncomfortable situation and to learn to manage the anxiety of being there, without the added pressure of having to pee. So, making sure you definitely do not need to pee, you go to the toilet (home, cubicle, urinal) whatever is the one little step out of your comfort zone, and you go through the motions. You take your time, you wash your hands, you read your body and your thoughts, and you start to find ways to manage it all. You repeat this exercise preferably every 5 –10 minutes for at least half a dozen times. You will find your anxiety lessening each time, and many eventually find it becomes boring – great. The spin off is that you have found that when you go to the toilet and you do not pee, the alarms do not go off, and there is an absence of reaction!
As a result, they realise that when they do need to pee, and they are standing or sitting there taking the necessary time to relax, it is just like faking it - and THAT worked OK , so this is OK.
Do read the contents of our linked website, there is a lot of useful advice there.
Thank you Raymond & Andrew. I'm grateful for your considered responses. I appreciate that it's not even a question of avoiding the avoiding. A pro-active approach is needed I know, including I think a work shop. Raymond, your rapid progress is encouraging. I do know I do not suffer as much as some. I'm ok for example in a busy service station & gernerally do not need a stall if I 'feel' the required degree of privacy at a urinal, but close proximity especially to someone I know & it's hopeless.
