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UK paruresis trust

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OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Martin on 22/7/2007, 7:46 pm

For nearly two years i have been trying to overcome my social anxiety with great success. Yesterday, for the first time ever i found the courage to go clubbling for my friends birthday. I am not at a stage where i can use urinals so i depend on cubicals.
So im having a good time when i need the loo. I enter the toilets in the club and find there is only two cubicals(both full) I then wait behind one hoping someone comes out. I am aware of two men at the sinks, think its security. Anyway, finally someone comes out and i enter the cubical.
Im happily having my wee trouble free when suddenly i hear a noise. I look back and one of the security guys has climbed up looking over. I was in shock. I came out of the loo and he comes up to me and goes 'what do you think you are doing?' I reply 'nothing'. I think he reliased i was inocent but i was so embarised. He was very agressive towards me.
I later came to the conclusion that he thought i was doing drugs or something, but then again, i wasnt in there that long. Now i have a whole new anxiety that if i use cubicals, i big guy will climb and nearly arrest me.
On another thought, imagine if i had needed the loo for other reasons, would he just climb up and take a look?
Anyway, i had an awesome nite after this its just a shame such a stupid event has dented it for me.
I tried using the urinals whilst drunk but had no luck!
Any advice? thanks!!!

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Simon on 23/7/2007, 10:51 am, in reply to "OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Hi Martin
Firstly well done for going out clubbing in the first place you should feel extremely proud that you had the courage to do so plus i am very pleased that you had fun overall.
Secondly don't let the bouncer who peered over the top of the cubicle at you dent your confidence as you were still able to pee ok prior to his intrusion.
As for me i do exactly the same as you when i'm out clubbing if the cubicle is full I hang around until its free plus i have never had a bouncer or indeed anyone else peer over the top at me and have had to use some very ap unfriendly toilets at times and indeed have not been able to pee either but still had a good night.
Whether an ap sufferer or not you have every right in the world to go out clubbing with your friends who were probably delighted that you finally joined them while the bouncer was barking up the wrong tree so don't feel bad.
Please, please, please do not be put off going out clubbing! The first step is the hardest and you have already achieved that and like i say don't develope a complex about the whole thing as to me it sounds like there were far more positives to your night out than negatives!
Take care
Si

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Steve# on 27/7/2007, 9:30 am, in reply to "OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Well done Martin, the main fact is that you went there & got back in one piece. At the time the Bouncer - who lets face it does not need that many active brain cells to do that job may well have startled you. How was he to know this condition even exists. Well perhaps they should but of course they don't. He was just doing a job his bosses had told him to do & that is to check for druggies. I have been to quite a lot of clubs & can not say that I have experienced this before myself, however a vaguely remember being in a cubicle while someone a few down was getting busted but it seems that this guy was well known to be doing this in other clubs from all accounts after. There is no law to say anyone is not allowed to use them on a continual basis through out the night. I would have to say that having experienced this is a shame for you but it really depends on how you perceive it, maybe you should look at it from the bouncers
perspective & then you might realize that he was not necessarily targeting you all along. As you get more experiences in night clubs you will get more used to the the layouts & the fact that no one really takes that much notice so just be cool & if the the cubicle is full either wait or go out & come back in. It's usually worth checking if there is an alternative toilet also, which might be upstairs of hidden round a corner which is sometimes the case in older establishments. Keep on clubbing Steve.

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Martin on 27/7/2007, 11:46 am, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Thanks Guys! Im defo going to go clubbing again very soon! I would never give up or let anything stop me doing what i want to enjoy. I do however have a slight fear of it happening again. Do you think the fact that i waited a good minute for a cubicle to come free could have been the reason why i looked suspicious to the bouncer? DO you think sending an email to the club would be a good idea just see their views on this? Also, i could easily go in the cubicle, im scared now that i might not be able to even go in the cubicle because ive anxieted myself up about it?
Thanks again guys!! Hope You're all well!!

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by James on 27/7/2007, 1:26 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

OK, I'm not an AP sufferer - I visit this site from time to time because one of my sons has this problem.
So here's my view of how to respond to such a situation:
1. Accept that you were in the right and the security guy (if that's what he was) is hugely in the wrong.
2. Ask him why he was perving on you - pull out your mobile phone and say you are going to call the cops because you have been molested by a pervert.
If this sounds aggressive - it isn't! You have the right to use the toilets.
By the way - my son used a urinal last week with a big group of people - all family but good progress!
james

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Andrew on 27/7/2007, 5:59 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Hi Martin
You say "im scared now that i might not be able to even go in the cubicle because ive anxieted myself up about it"; one way round this is not to wait till you need to pee. Instead, use a cubicle a few times when you DONT need to pee; just go through the motions as if you were - we call it "faking it". That way you can get back on track with being in a cubicle without having to worry about needing to pee. When being in a cubcile becomes less worrying, you will be OK to pee there.
And as someone else said: see it from the bouncer's viewpoint: he was on the look-out for druggies, not on the look-out for Martin.
cheers
Andrew

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Martin Miles on 28/2/2008, 11:09 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Just thought i would update. After a long time, i have just emailed the club. looking back before this event, my Shy bladder was not too bad, since however, my anxiety has been higher. Tell me what u think of the email.

EMAIL:
Hello, this may sound like a unusual email however i just wanted to tell you about my bad experience of Varsity last year.

On my first ever visit to your bar in July 2007 i was pleased by the cheap drinks and excellent music however i was quite embarrassed when i went to use the toilets. I suffer from a mild form of 'paruresis' which prevents me from being able to use urinals. I arrived in the toilet to find that the two cubicles were occupied so waited patiently outside. Once inside after about 15 seconds, i heard a noise from behind and was absolutely shocked to see that one of the bouncers from the toilet had climbed up. He said to me 'What are you doing' so i came out of the cubical and he said to me again, 'what are you doing' but this time he was up very close to me, i felt like i was a criminal or something and just left the toilets, in shock.

Now i am fully against drug use etc but i felt extremely intimidated and embarrassed by this event. I have no idea why the bouncer did this to me because an individual should have the right to use a cubical. I have come to the conclusion that for some reason i was labeled as a drug user or something, which is so ironic of me as i am totally on your side in the fight against the problem.

The event has very much left me annoyed as i really liked Varsity but since i have not returned with my friends because of my bad experience. I would hate for it to happen again just because i use a cubical especially when this has never been a problem in any other club or bar before.

Anyway, thanks for your time in this matter. I just felt i should bring this matter to your attention as i am sure i am not the only one that prefers to use the cubicles.

Thanks

Martin Miles, Student, Manchester

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Andrew on 29/2/2008, 10:13 am, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Hi Martin

Well done mate - that is a measured and reasonable email you sent. I doubt you will get a reply, but there is a good chance that someone will have a word with the bouncers. They do have a tricky balancinbg act to follow, but it is always worth reminding them that people do use cubicles to pee.

cheers

Andrew

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Martin Miles on 29/2/2008, 4:23 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Yes very true Andrew!
I just got a reply haha

I regret you had this experience within my premesis.
Please be assured that since july we have replaced our door team with a new
more student friendly staff.
As you understand we have a Zero tolerence to drugs policy and apologise
that you were
incovinienced in this way.

Many thanks
matthew abbott

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by John Macaroni on 27/4/2008, 9:58 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

I can believe it happened to you actually. I went to Cream once and had the usual problem with the cubicle / urinal thing./ The place was absolutely packed and I had a couple of failed attempts downstairs, so I was very relieved when I went to the loo upstairs and there was a cubicle free - with a lock! I sat down as (at that point I frequently catastrophised that people would look under the door and see my feet pointing the wrong way and know I wasnt "man" enough to pee in public - ridiculous eh, or so I thought).

Just after Id finished and was buttoning up there was banging and shouting sound outside, followed by a pounding on the door as I opened it to some thug in a bomber jacket. There was a team of doorstaff in there who had thrown everyone out of the room apart from people in the locked cubicles and they were in the process of actually kicking in the doors.

I watched in complete amazement as some bald oaf kicked in the door to the stall next to me and revealed an astonished little bloke trousers round ankles who they shouted at and then started ridiculing. They completely ignored me as I washed up and left.

I would say though this has never ever happened anywhere else, and the doorstaff at Cream were absolutely vile, and little short of psychos, starting from waiting in the queue to leaving at the end. I do dread club cubicles though and look forward to the day when I dont have to.

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by Martin Miles on 6/5/2008, 9:05 pm, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Wow john! I suppose the good thing is they didnt kick ur door in. At the end of the day, a cubical is for going to the toilet and nobody shoould have the right to invade this privacy.

When the thing happened to me i just laughed it off and tried to move on but it scared me in the long run.

You have the right attitude looking 4ward to the day u dont have to worry about cubicles!!

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by da ve on 5/7/2008, 2:31 pm, in reply to "OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

it's really bad that happened but fortunately very rare. i hope you will keep going back as it's the best way to improve - maybe not the same club of course

Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!

Posted by adam on 30/7/2008, 11:52 am, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

ye this defenetly rings a bell cause ive had this problem a number of times. Ive never had a bouncer jump over but i once in toilets and someone jumped up and starting acting stupid but i just gave him some abuse and he never bothered me after. ive also had to go in cubicles that have no locks and ive had to wedge it shut with my foot whle i pee and at the same time people kicking the door which can be hard and some male toilets can be pretty messy wen u r out. wen i was younger it wasnt so bad using the cubicles but now bein a fully grown 14 stone man who goes to the gym every day it can feel pretty s#@t that you have to use cubicles. im finally recieving some help from a counceler and i am gonna try and get on one of them workshops

A few things that I find help me

Posted by (none) on 7/8/2008, 12:28 am, in reply to "Re: OMG! Can not believe this happened to me!"

Yeah i think i got this problem too but it doesn't stop me going out at all, but if I don't have access to a cubical, or if the locks are broken (common in clubs) I just won't go!

I'm always worried someone may be waiting for a while for me outside the toilets and so try and make sure I go before going out in order to avoid the mad loo rush as we arrive. Drinking alcohol (just enough to get tipsy) also helps you lose a few social inhibitions and relax a little more. It also makes you go more often so there is a stronger urge to actually do it!

If you don't have access to any alcohol and there are a lot of distractions around that may put you off I find a few methods work for me. The main thing is to just forget the fact that you are in a public urinal, shut your eyes and try and work your way through a few of the higher times tables, or if you have your phone or camera on you just do something, anything, look through a few photos, or text messages to distract you.

Hope this helps

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