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Hello. First of all I have to say how relieved I am to have found a message board just for this.
I am 18 years of age, and I've been suffering with this issue for as long as I can remember. I can't even pee in a cubicle, which really gets to me.
In 2011 I went through a very bad time in my life and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety problems. OBVIOUSLY, my confidence was completely zero at this time. During the past two years however, I've recovered pretty well. Of course I still have my bad days, and I still take anti-depressants, but I'm in a good place. The one thing holding my back is paruresis.
Just tonight, I was out with friends from work. It's the second time we've done this this year, and yet again, I found myself completely unable to go the toilet, so I had to make up some silly excuse as to why I had to go home. Obviously, the real reason was because I was absolutely bursting for the toilet, but just couldn't go. The same thing happened last time. The added problem with tonight however, is that I now have a girlfriend, who was also there, and I can't help but feel that she may think I'm so boring for leaving early. She's aware of my depression and anxiety problems. All my friends are. But the one thing I'm ashamed to tell them about is my peeing problem.
Now after tonight, I'm seriously considering telling my girlfriend and friends about my problem. I just don't know how they'll react though. A good friend laughed at somebody else who admitted they had a similar problem a while back, and keeps telling people how "hilarious" it is. This is one of the reasons why I'm so ashamed about telling them. And, who knows how my girlfriend will react, and what she'll say.
I've reached the very end of my tether after tonight. I would appreciate any advice at all. I'm so upset about it, and I genuinely feel like an idiot.
Dan, You can see from this website that you are one among many men who have this difficulty and that it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. If your friend thinks it funny, it's his problem, not yours ! You will see, if you read through the messages on this Board that telling mates, girl-friends or wives usually results in a sympathetic and understanding response. If you search the website you will find helpful suggestions about how to do this and I recommend you do it quite soon. You will be surprised at the relief you get that somebody knows and is not critical or judgmental. If they are, are they really the sort of people who are worth your friendship ? To tackle the problem itself read all the experiences and case histories on this Discussion Board and the website - above all, the contributions of Andrew whose advice is invaluable. And, if possible, attend one of the UKPT Workshops. I know from experience that they can be life-changing and you will find similar testimony from many men who have tried them. Above all take heart. You are young and "things can only get better" ! Best wishes, and keep in touch. Pete.
To repeat, the important thing is that they need to know and that you trust them. Don’t tell anyone if they do not need to know, or you do not trust them.
Tell people one at a time; I suggest your girlfriend should be first. Be prepared to emphasise that it is out of your control, and how much it makes you unhappy.
Feedback from those who have told someone are that either the listener is underwhelmed, and moves onto another topic, or is sympathetic because they can relate to an anxiety (e.g. public speaking) or know someone who has shy bladder.
As for dealing with such as that “friend” who finds it hilarious: I would not tell him.
In terms of your fear of negative comments, please read my posting below under “Paruresis ruling my life” on 13 August .
Could you bin any feelings of shame. A distinguished Clinical Psychologist said that almost all phobias are due to bad luck. They are NOT a judgement on the individual.
Read as much as you can about it; there is a lot on our website (separate to the forum)
Finally can you get along to one of our Beginners workshops (see the Discussion Board and the website). They take place every four months, and the next one is in London on 25-27 Sept. You will be able to make progress there.
Thank you very much for the replies so far. Much appreciated.
I've decided that I will definitely tell my closest friends that I was out with, and my girlfriend when I next see them. This won't be until Wednesday. I could just easily text my girlfriend and tell her, but I feel as though this should be something I explain face to face. I feel as though she's been slightly off with me today over texts, but I could just be overthinking things. I still feel that I upset her by leaving early, especially because this was the first time I'd seen her two weeks as she'd been on holiday. Once I tell her the truth, hopefully things will be fine.
I will certainly spend time over the next couple of days reading through the main site, and once again, thank you very much for all the information.