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Posted by Matt on 2/6/2015, 10:22 pm Edited by board administrator 2/6/2015, 10:45 pm
Hi,
I have only just discovered this message board today even though I have suffered with paruresis since as long as I can remember. The reason I searched online about paruresis is because I had an incident today: I was followed into the toilets by a man. I always want to try overcome paruresis so I stand at the urinal and attempt to pee. As you can guess I couldn't open my bladder, but the other man could - hearing his pee was so infuriating as I could not open my bladder. I never can unless I'm alone at the urinal. I'm able to pee in the stall, but ideally I want to pee at the urinal.
Anyway, back to what I really want to talk about... When I pee, the only way I find I can open my bladder is by pulsating my body, pushing on my bladder in pulses is the best way I can explain it - this isn't just when I'm at the urinal, this is all the time, even when I am in the vicinity of my own home. Is this normal when having this condition?
My friend asked why do I pulsate when I pee, and I just thought this was normal. Now I'm ever more paranoid that the others standing beside me at the urinal can see me pulsating. How can I open my bladder without the need to pulsate? Even when my bladder is completely full I still have to pulsate to release my pee.
I'm hoping to attend the event in September in London as the anxiety is forever building and I am becoming so unhappy. The particular event today that I mentioned just reaffirms for me that I'll never be able to lead the life that I want to.
I have to admit that this is new one to me. Pulsating has not cropped up before. Some guys do talk abut having to push, which is similar. The thing is that peeing is not something you do; it is something that you allow to happen. i.e. the conscious brain steps out of the way and leaves the subconscious brain to do it in its own good time. One analogy is walking the dog. You don’t make the dog pee. You stand there and let the dog pee; it might happen straight way, or the dog might take while sniffing around before it goes ahead and does it. And sometimes it sniffs and decides not to pee. Nothing you can do but to go along with it.
Have you been to a urologist? If not, I suggest you go to your GP and explain about having to pulsate to start a flow, and that you wonder if there is a constriction somewhere. The GP should refer you to a urologist who can examine you.