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My name is Dave and I'm a 27 year old based in London. I have a good life - partner, job and friends, but have also suffered from paruresis since I was a teen.
I've known of this board for years, and posted once a while back. Today I thought I'd see if I can get some good advice for my current situation on here.
Towards the end of my teens my paruresis was the worst it's ever been. For me that meant I could go in cubicles, and even that was hard sometimes. I went to uni, and found that when I got drunk I had no problems pissing at the crowded urinals in a club. Obviously that's quite a specific situation, but it prompted me to find this website and then to start trying to tackle this problem. I've worked, on-and-off, over the years since at getting used to using the urinals, building myself up from making noise in the cubicles, to door open, to urinals in an empty toilet, to where I am now.
Now I can go in a moderately busy toilet, and have much better success in facilities where there are dividers between the urinals. I still find, however, that sometimes I take a proper step back in terms of what I expect to be able to do. Today, for example, I went home via Euston and St Pancras stations. My level of urgency was high (maybe 9/10), but I bombed out at Euston. I then went to St Pancras, where I couldn't go either. I stepped into the stalls, where I was able to take off some of the pressure (loudly, ha!). I then went to get a drink and tried again 10 minutes later, and found that I had no problem. I then went twice more.
What is with this hit-and-miss? More and more I find I can sometimes accomplish quite challenging scenarios, and then completely lock up the following day in a similar situation.
Is this a phase? Has anyone else been here? Any advice for moving forward?
Well done for organising successful desensing from closed cubicles to where you are now.
Was your urgency too high? For me, if it is too high and I have had to hold it back too long, the sphincter seems to get jammed and releases very slowly. Before suitcases on wheels, that used to happen carrying a heavy suitcase some way; after putting the suitcase down the fingers would not unfurl.
The lockup reaction comes from the amygdala which you cannot access; so you don’t know what little thing unnerved it. Accept that these misfires are part of the process of desensing the amygdala. If you never misfire, you are being way too cautious. Instead you are pushing your envelope and your phrase “quite challenging situations” suggests that you have gone two or more steps up your hierarchy instead of one.
Can you accept that you maybe need to have your personal space for now, defined in terms of dividers, and/or an empty adjoining urinal.
Can you reinforce that level for several months without considering moving up your hierarchy. The first phase at new level is eventful success; followed by the second phase which is expected success; but you have to continue into the third phase where it ceases to be an event and becomes boring; such that a few minutes later you have forgotten all about it. Can you see what a solid foundation that would be to moving up a level?
Do you fully accept that others have not the slightest interest in what you or are not doing, cos to them it is as uninteresting as you blowing your nose.
Are you fully comfortable with waiting someone out. If not, then practice faking until you are.
Is your mindset as chilled as a dog walker, who stares into space while the dog sniffs a lamppost and may or may not pee; or are you doing the equivalent of urging your dog to pee? Can you disengage from your lower body and treat it like walking the dog?
Do you truly not care whether you pee or not, knowing that you may go straightway, or after ten seconds, or after waiting someone out, or even after you zip up and return a few minutes later.
Can you accept that it is OK to go where you instinctively feel comfortable, which will vary from day to day; and this is from two guys who do not have shy bladder.
Yes that's how it is with me ,I can be doubled up nearly wanting a pee,I then reach a safe place,my home everything's relaxed but for around an hour I'm still doubled up because I can't release because of the sphincter spasm.Its weird because sometimes my "normal" friends can be bursting and they go to the bathroom and immediately its niagra falls.