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This is my first post on the discussion board, but I have attended two workshops over the past year (both Manchester ones). Since attending the workshop and with CBT in 2012-13 I have made progress with my paruresis, however sound and apparent time constraints are still an issue for me.
So after graduating from University in 2012 I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I actually want to do with my life and my Physics degree. I spent a year working for advertising companies around Blackpool just as a stop gap measure, which was also helpful for my AP. A few months ago that came to an abrupt end and I’ve decided to look within my field for work. At first I started to toy with the idea of an engineering or analytical role within the RAF, but with my AP as it is I always deemed that to be a huge issue, and something which despite being out of my comfort zone, could also have lasting effects on my AP. So I went back to something which I had considered doing since I was in Sixth Form, becoming a Secondary School Physics Teacher.
I then started to look further into teaching and obviously the first stage is to ask around a few schools and find one that will let you sit in on lessons and shadow teachers for a few weeks. After this I should have a very good idea if this is for me. The school I picked to go into was the easy choice of my old secondary school, since I also know some of the staff and then remember me.
So down to it then, I am going into my old school starting Monday (March 17th) and I am NOT looking forward to it, primarily because of my AP and the fact that I think it is going to pose HUGE issues for me, even during this 2 week period. Obviously there are separate toilets for staff and students, but the fact that I am probably going to be very restricted in the times which I can use them since I am supposed to be in a classroom for essentially 2 hours+ at a time before a break or lunch.
Now naturally as a science major and somebody with AP (and possibly borderline autism) I have a tendency to overthink everything, so I can’t help but do that here. I have possibly 3 ‘slots’ per day in which it is realistic I might be able to pee, which would be fine if not accounting for any misfires, then I can’t help but think that if I need to pee before a lesson that I am sitting in on starts, and I misfire then I have to wait what would essentially be an agonising hour or two before my next attempt.
If I then take into account the fact that the school is a 40 minute round trip from any supermarket or my house, I can’t help but think that I am facing the kobayashi maru (unwinnable scenario) that is holding it for 4 to 7 hours. So I am stuck for any real ideas.
Sorry if I ended up rambling, I just wanted to get everything in there.
Glad to hear that you have made progress with your paruresis.
Reading your post makes me think that the old Boo Monster has got you firmly in his grip! One of the things we said on the workshop is that if you anticipate negatively, then you will enter the situation negatively and trip up over the slightest thing.
Whereas if you anticipate positively, or at least neutrally, you will enter the situation calmly and be better able to let any initial anxiety reaction wash over you, and then get back to calming yourself down and letting the body get on with it.
So how to look forward neutrally. Thinks...every toilet has a cubicle, so I will use that. Other male teachers will be using cubicles either from choice, or because a urinal is in use, or because the urinals are too close together. So their using a cubicle does not automatically mean shy bladder and anyway, do they care about my peeing? Of course not.
I am going to use a cubicle. I am going to take my time cos that is the only break I get from the classroom. A bit of quiet in a cubicle. Brill.
I will have misfires: rather than fear them, I will expect them and learn from them. When I have one, I will return to the toilet a few minutes later; not furtively, but openly.
This is going to be a good experience: to use what I have learnt on the workshops and also since then.
To sum up, I am going to manage, with my head held high.
I definitely need to try to adjust my outlook on this to like you said, and just try to look at everything neutrally, as well as the positive aspects of this. If nothing else it will definitely give me the chance to continuing my exposure in what is really new surroundings. I mean I'm obviously going to use a cubicle and I know that people pay very little attention to these things.
The problem in my own mind really is the time constraints on when I can actually use the bathroom is the main issue for me really. More the issue of observing a class and having a high level of urgency, but knowing that I can't exactly just walk out. Or maybe that is all right? I'm not quite sure.
Either way, considering that the staff toilets will likely be one of the standard sort of smallish-quietish bathrooms with the occasional person, I doubt I'd have a problem under any normal circumstances. The only counter thought is that I'd have mildly elevated anxiety levels just due to the fact that it is new surroundings and just overall unknown I guess.
What I probably need to do I just reassure myself that some anxiety regarding a new place or job is a completely natural thing and that as far as my hierarchy goes, I should be perfectly fine to urinate. But more importantly to not worry about if I misfire. It is probably also best for me to avoid coffee for the first few days to reduce that background anxiety.
Hi Aaron, I've been reading this post with interest, mainly because I developed my AP when I was still at school. Reasons I would be reassured in the scenario you paint: 1, you get to use the staff toilets - how great is that! 2, I don't know the layout of your school but they're usually quite big and staff and students are allowed time to move from classroom to classroom, so I wouldn't worry about the time factor - you should have a good fifteen minutes between classes. 3, I wouldn't worry about being late for a class or leaving early - there's always a lot of wasted time in these periods when your lateness, if you're late, won't matter, or cutting out while the students are packing up, asking questions, etc, won't matter. 4, You are an adult - you aren't time/place restricted like the students are - you don't have to ask permission to leave a classroom when you feel like it! Eventually, I reckon you'll be able to relax enough to own the situation w/out any anxiety at all. Best wishes...
So today was my first day of what is really like work experience, and for the most part it went quite well, I was quite anxious at first but that soon went away. I think the reason for this is purely the fact that I already sort of know some of the teachers from my time at the school, then just the novelty of 'being on the other side'. So that was all right and I am definitely feeling better about my second day especially compared to how I felt on days leading up until today. So 'background anxiety' as I like to call it, should continue dropping off.
So just a general account of my first day I guess.
The toilet situation, well there are a few individual unisex cubicles. Sort of like disabled toilets, but not. If you get my drift. But what I did was a got there early this morning, well before I was supposed to meet my supervising teacher, just so I could calm down a little bit and visit the toilet for 3-5 minutes just to sort of get used to it, and just fake it, if I needed to pee, I'd pee but I didn't have any real urgency so that was that really.
So after I met my teacher and just spoke about what I'd be doing during the 2 weeks, I got some news which might cause an issue for me. Essentially because the School hasn't done a CRB check (Not really worth it for them, for just 2 weeks) and I'm working with children, I pretty much have to be supervised during my time there. This means I can't leave classes early. But for the first day I was mainly scheduled to just shadow lab technicians and sit in on classes when I could.
Within an hour or two when I had some urgency which was still during class, I made a trip to a different staff toilet which was closer to where I was working, obviously I checked about that was OK first. Either way these were just a standard layout or toilet really and as expected I was completely fine.
During lunch when I was sat in the staffroom I had some mild urgency and thinking I might not get a crack at using the bathrooms for another 2 hours or so I decided to take a crack at peeing, I made 2 attempts within a 30 minute period but to no real avail. I had a relatively low urgency but I still felt slightly nervous both times. It was one of those weird scenarios where despite the fact that its a completely enclosed cubicle with a fan, you can still sort of hear noise which is sort of off-putting.
Regarding my point of if I feel the need to leave during a lesson to use the bathroom, well after a class at the end of school when I was just discussing the overall lesson, and the fact that there was a staff meeting I had been asked to attend, she just sort of randomly said that all the teachers will now be in the staffroom drinking loads of water before they start planning lessons, or rushing to the bathroom. Because its actually the case that some just drink less in the afternoon because they know they can't go and pee for another 2 hours. This I found to be a little random, but made me think that I wasn't the only person who thought about such trivial things are actually thinking on my next chance to use the bathroom.
Either way I am definitely feeling fine about tomorrow, I'm scheduled to be in classes all day which is a little daunting (I observed 3 today). But I am feeling a little better about the toilet situation now I know the layouts and everything, and I am obviously just going to brush of the 2 half-misfires just due to the fact that my urgency was nowhere near the sweet spot of 6-8 not to mention the fact that there things just happen, especially in such new and different situations.
I might even try listening to some music, since I clearly have the time and the opportunity to.
Anyway I hope you enjoyed my general update, I might even post these daily just to allow me to go over everything from the day properly and reflect in a positive manner.