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find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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Long time reader, first (Ok, second) time poster. Been battling this condition since I was a kid to varying degrees. Unsure of exactly why it started but I got a hard time at Primary School from a bunch of older kids who took a dislike to me and started giving me grief and since then i've always been very anxious in social situations and in big crowds of people and suffered from self-confidence issues which i've found very difficult to shake off. I always used to use the cubicles as a kid at primary school by default and this is one of the things I got picked on for. Classmates always poked fun at me about it too, although this was meant harmlessly. Nevertheless it sort of created a pressure on me to be able to use the urinal, which I think meant that I started trying to use them and it was impossible.
I think my AP reached its worst aged 14. Unsure why exactly but at this point it was chronic, I even struggled to go in heavily sealed cubicles if I thought someone could hear or was waiting. I guess it's around the issue of being judged, or appraised, or being seen as a failure for not being able to 'go'. Gradually over my teenage years it got easier and I could use a urinal on some occasions if nobody else was there, or likely to come in, but overall if anyone else was using one I'd avoid. I don't have any issues with cubicles now at all really, so over time it's gotten better over the previous decade (I'm mid-20s now), and meeting people in life who've admitted to having this problem has made it easier too and made me realise that it's pretty common. However, it was at the start of April this year that I decided to try and kick this issue once and for all, inspired by some of the things I've read on here. I realised that it's fairly stupid to try and set timescales but my main goal is to be able to use a urinal alongside someone I know, without anxiety. I'm a fair way off that still but I have had made a large amount of success in the past few months. I've had a lot of success desensing at facilities like my local shopping centre where several urinals have been being used at a time by others, and standing next to someone and being able to go. In fact that's almost second nature now and I feel little-to-no anxiety at all when I go there. Going in between two people is still difficult though, although having headphones in and music playing on my iPod makes this easier. Nevertheless I can achieve things now that would've been inconceivable a few months ago.
Anyhow, I've reached a plateau of sorts with regards to what I can do on my own, so was wondering if there's anyone, or any groups, or individuals in the Manchester area who desense on a regular basis? I'd feel a lot more comfortable taking that next step with people who understand the issue. I've never mentioned this issue to friends or family or anyone really, even those who've admitted to having the same problems, which I think was probably an error, but it's not something I feel wholly comfortable addressing. I plan to attend the next workshop up here if I can, but I want to make as much incremental improvement as I can beforehand. I'd be interested to hear from anyone locally who's in the same boat and is try and beat this too.
I realise this whole post is a bit 'War and Peace' but it's quite cathartic to be able to put into words something which I've pretty much kept to myself for years and which has been the cause of a lot of anxiety. I've encountered similar issues about fretting about social events, and this probably accounts for why I find social situations often to be difficult and anxiety-inducing.
Good to hear from you. It is helpful to get it all all written down, isnt it. Somehow it clears the air. Well done on tackling it and practicing in a methodical way, and for making progress. Incidentally, consider forgetting about going between two people as a goal. Nowadays you see plenty of guys holding back waiting for some space. If you can go next to someone, eventually that will be so natural that it will feed into going between people.
As for going alongside someone you know. One approach is to recognise that you would chat to them in any other situation; so it seems unnatural to be silent when peeing. So consider keeping the conversation going naturally; that way you wont be conscious of a silence, he will be occupied talking, you can be relaxed and distracted by the conversation and.... bingo.
As for a buddy in Manchester: most guys prefer someone they have met on a workshop, rather than a stranger, but good luck with the request.
Thanks very much for your reply. It'd be fair to say the old adage of 'a problem shared is a problem halved' bears a lot of truth; since writing all this down on Thursday, it's felt like a massive weight's been lifted off my shoulders! I've felt a lot more relaxed and calm about things, and it's sort of provided me with a bit of perspective on an issue I've just been going over in my head to myself for goodness knows how long. Putting it into perspective has stopped me overthinking things (something I'm really bad for anyway) and feeling more relaxed about it has had another upside in that I went to a big outdoor event over the weekend, one of those one with temporary open facilities with minimal privacy, and was able to go every time in a reasonably busy environment with minimal anxiety. Still a lot of work left to do before I feel totally comfortable but I feel a lot more confident having corresponded with someone about it and I think that's rubbed off on my daily life so I'm very grateful for your response. I fully understand your point about people preferring to buddy up with people they've already met too - thought it might be a stab in the dark but it's worth asking I suppose!
Just seen your post. I'm actually booked onto the Beginners' Workshop in Manchester that weekend, so wouldn't be able to make the 27th. I'd definitely be up for any other things you'd arrange though in the future. Travelling to Sheffield is no problem at all.
