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hi, I attended the recent follow up workshop in London and wanted to say how great it was, and to tell a little of my story in the hope that it may inspire some of you to go on a workshop.
I was one of those people who went to a beginners workshop a long time ago and didn't continue with a follow up but I recently noticed something that Andrew had said on the forum - "Not attending a follow-up workshop is in effect an avoidance behaviour!" and knowing that I still had avoidance tendancies, I signed up.
So, before the beginner's workshop I couldn't even enter a public toilet and therefore had become quite agoraphobic, worked from home and only went as far as my local pub (50 meters away) so I could go home to pee. Not surprisingly I lost a great relationship as neither of us understood what was happening and I hit rock bottom. Eventually I found this forum, posted my long plea for help and was encouraged to attend a workshop which after the initial nerves became a fantastic experience - exploring and chatting for days about something that I'd kept to myself for so long (and didn't understand). Throughout the weekend I made huge progress and learned many strategies to help me on my way.
After that positive experience I settled for years on being able to go into toilets and using urinals if there was enough space or using a cubicle. You could almost call that a cure since I now can observe how common this strategy is amongst men.
But ... there was still a lot of avoidance behaviour in my life, my stress levels were too high in relation to toilets and I began to forget all the great CBT stuff that I'd learned e.g. how to tune in to your muscles and relax them, positive thinking, breathing properly, only focussing on successes, creating a hierarchy to assess your progress etc etc ... etc
Now the follow up workshop has put me back on track, I've got my folder with all the great info to refer to, I've got new friends to desense with and I'm also able to desense on my own although I think it's really important to be able to regularly meet face to face and desense/chat/progress with a fellow recoverer.
This post has actually taken me a very long time to write as I analyse where I am with AP (and life in general) to try to write useful stuff ... so I'll stop there, and just add that I feel the main thing about recovery is just to help your brain do what it's good at - learn by experience - and the best way to do that is to get on a workshop where you'll gain the power to give your brain lots of positive experiences - and these will displace the negative ones as your brain rewires itself.
Keep moving forward and if you haven't yet, get on a follow up workshop - which you can only do after attending a beginner's workshop ;-)
Great to see that you've benefited from the workshops Ross.
For my part, I attended a beginners workshop in November 2011 and didn't engage in any desensing activities after that beyond going to urinals and going through the routine I remembered (loosening the knees and shoulders, defocussing the mind).
I had more failures than successes, and decided that I needed to attend a follow up workshop.
During the follow up workshop I peed in every urinal that I used, even if it took what seemed like ages (actually less than a minute in most cases). I re-learned how to breathe in through the nose and out through pursed lips as if I was letting out a sigh, and how to be patient with myself. My successes meant that I found it boring and didn't get the same buzz of elation that I did from being able to do this during the beginners workshop.
It had become too easy to fluid load, go to a urinal with a constantly full bladder and constantly feeling like I needed to pee. I understood on some level that this would help me get used to peeing at urinals and that practice makes perfect, that this would make going to urinals boring and eventually a subconscious routine, but by the end of Sunday I didn't want to do it anymore and I said so.
Just before the workshop broke up that day, I went to a small restroom and stood next to one of the others from the workshop. I tried to defocus my mind, anticipating that this would be as routine as before, but then he walked away (distraction of movement beside me), washed his hands (distraction of noise), and clanged and banged about for what seemed like ages and it was only when he left that the stream emerged.
Back to square one; made me feel really depressed. It didn't help that I'd said how easy I'd found it and said I didn't need to desense anymore.
Later I realised that if he hadn't moved then I might have eventually been able to pee. I also realised that I had set myself up to fail in a way, because the guy next to me did know, and I'd said I could do it and was subconsciously afraid that I wouldn't prove it, and I had thought at the back of my mind how embarrassing it would be, having peed in all these public urinals next to people etc that I wouldn't be able to do it in this hotel restroom where I'd graduated a year and a half ago.
Despite my protests, I think that desensing is necessary. It helped the first time round, and the follow up workshop added to my confidence (over confidence even!). I think that although I can't see myself attending another workshop, that the practice of desensing is something that I should continue with, even if infrequently.
As always great people for working and sharing experiences, and was really nice to meet again friends of the October beginner workshop.
As usual I did progress which were impossible to get working alone, and most important after that my mind is more stable and more calm in the right direction of recovery.
I understood that is not possible to override all negative influences, thoughts and routines that have been so long in my mind and behavior from a day to another. But now I know that is just a part of an automatic process, and also if those thoughts are still there they have less power in my mind and in my body, which works in the right way with the right urgency. After this workshop I started to feel confident in many situation in real life which before put me in anxiety and was impossible for me to void. And the border between desensitization and real life has became shorter.
I quit almost with all my safety behavior, but I'm not in harry like in the previous workshop experience. I know that I need more time to put this situation stable, but I feel inside myself that is going to be always better.
And yes, if I would like to make other strong desensitization I can always come to UK, maybe in London keeping in touch with those friends, or maybe attending another follow up workshop.
Actually if I would live in UK I would not jump one.
It was a different experience compared to the beginner workshop, but it was very good to reaffirm the lessons on desensitisation, thought processes and so on. And having a good talk about pauresis is always therapeutic.
Things are all starting to click now, which is great. I can see past this now, which after the beginner workshop still seemed a long way off.
The follow-up was a great experience for me, and the progress I made there stimulated me to practice more in public toilets by myself, which I've been doing 2-3 times a week since, with noticeable results!
Thanks UKPT!
Marijn from Belgium (travelling to the UK was definitely worth it!)