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Hi everyone I've had paruresis for about 10 years now! Just wanted to finally speak to others who have the same problem, mine has got worse every year and now I often struggle just to go at home! I went to the doctor about 6 months ago and the first thing he did was give me a little tub and told me to go to the toilet and give him a urine sample! Haha I did say that's why I am here I don't think I will be able to go but he said don't worry there is a door on the toilet haha! He refereed me to a lady who I see once a week and we try didn't things like breathing and things but no joy really! I know there are loads of you in the same boat just got to a point where I really need to start speaking about it! Rick.
Re: Hi
Posted by MARKSATTIN on 17/8/2012, 12:24 pm, in reply to "Hi"
Hello Rick: I look at this site quite a bit but have not posted for ages. As no-one had yet reply/welcomed you and your post is very recent I thought you might be "checking back" so I felt drawn to make a rare posting. I have been sufferer of this since I was 6. I remember vividly asking to go out to the toilet during a lesson at school and the boys' toilets were empty. For some strange reason, up to that point I was unaware that urinals had auto-flush! Dummy!!! Standing ready to "go" at slab-type urinal the flush started and scared the life out of me! I kept the incident to myself at school but mentioned it to my Mum who asked by big bro to explain/confirm what all the "water coming down the walls" (as I had put it) was all about. I am pretty sure that was crucial in my own problem. I have the syndrome under reasonable control now, so there is a positive way forward. :-) . my e-mail visible - happy if you or anyone wants to make contact . I am London/Essex if anyone up for coffee/pint?
Re: Hi
Posted by Mike T on 17/8/2012, 12:51 pm, in reply to "Hi"
Hi Rick, you did the right thing in posting and sharing your experience. When you have a space where you can share your experience of paruresis openly without people misunderstanding you a healing can begin to take place on certain levels. That's one of the reasons why the weekend workshops are so powerful.
My GP had no idea what paruresis was either. It's shocking because when I went to see them I thought I was the only one in the world that couldn't pee in public. They told me that I was probably just thinking too much and referred me to a self help book. I only found out what it was when I finally plucked up the nerve to put toilet phobia into google.
The first thing I'd suggest is to not focus so much on peeing. Instead focus on deliberately allowing yourself to feel your anxiety. A good way to do this is to go to the toilet even though you really don't need to. For example, you could be out in public, you don't need to urinate but go into a public toilet anyway and commit to staying in a cubicle for 4-5 minutes; or if you want to be really bold stand at a urinal without doing anything. If you're in a cubicle no body knows what your doing in there, for all they know you could be sending a text or reading an email on your smart phone, or taking a big you know what.
If you do this consistently enough it starts to have a powerful knock on effect. It's feeling of, "yes, actually I belong in the toilets too." Rather than you feeling supper alert and vigilant as though you shouldn't be there. You'll find that you naturally begin to take your time more and more.
As I always say, I'm recovered now (I too couldn't pee alone in my own flat at one point) but even though I haven't had a miss fire in over two years I still go to the toilet accepting the fact that I might not be able to pee. But that's ok because my goal isn't to pee. My only goal is to not avoid or deny the fact that I would like to pee. Do you get it? My only goal is to not avoid going to the toilet. If you avoid the toilet then paruresis will always have the upper hand.
But if you instead go to the toilet - use a cubicle if you want don't feel like you must use the urinal, if all the cubicles are being used then cue for one, I see guys doing this all the time, remember for all people know you're looking forward to dropping a big you know what - So yeah, if you instead go to the toilet and at least allow yourself to have an attempt at peeing then you'll be teaching the brain that it's ok to go to the toilet and not pee.
So the point is you might pee you might not pee but that's ok because you're goal is to just get to the situation where you can point your penis at a toilet. If you make peeing the goal then your putting pressure on yourself to perform.
When you make peeing the goal the mind can't help but think, "right we need to accomplish this goal" what happens is you start trying to pee, peeing isn't really something that you do, it's something that you let happen. There's a very subtle difference and the only way to get there is through consistent practice. You'll be surprised what can happen when you put yourself in the thick of it deliberately.
Best wishes, Mike T
Re: Hi
Posted by Rick on 17/8/2012, 3:50 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Thanks so much for your response guys! In my experience the more I need to go the worse it is! Is that the same for anyone else? If I really don't need to go and try for the hell of it sometimes it's quite easy but as soon as there is any real need that's it complete lock up! What I find the strangest is normally I'm ok at home with my girlfriend in the flat then I get times like this morning when I wake up and try to go and nothing until she has left for work! Once I was in America and had 3 pints at the airport ( which was so stupid) then couldn't go for 18 hours until I got home! Worst pain ever! It's nice to hear people can get over this but I can't see myself being one of those people! Would love to go to a workshop in London how do I know when the next one is? Rick.
Re: Hi
Posted by Mike T on 17/8/2012, 5:07 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Hey Rick
You're welcome mate. Yeah if your bladder is full then there's more riding on the outcome. Part of the problem is the minds obsession with being outcome oriented as opposed to being process oriented. The author Eckhart Tolle calls it the anxiety gap. Dread, worry, anxiety, trepidation, phobia... they're all psychological fears. They are the fear of what "might" happen, there not a fear of something that is actually happening now. We can't deal with what might happen, we can only deal with what is happening now... so let go.
Sounds counter intuitive but I find that if I say, "ok, well, I probably wont be able to pee, but I'm going to the toilet anyways." I used to stand there with my phone and commit to standing there for 5 minutes, time moves slowly when you're watching the minutes, usually by 2 minutes I'd get a stream going.
Does your girlfriend know about it though? it's crazy sometimes, if I had a girl over and she didn't know about it, in the morning I used to brush my teeth and point my penis into the toilet at the same time then I could go, mad isn't it?! Distraction techniques aren't the best though because you can grow too reliant on them. But they've worked for me as a backup.
Recovery is all about attitude. You've got to be more committed to possibly feeling a bit foolish than you are to dwelling on miss fires. You have to be more committed to saying, "oh well, so what," when you have a miss fire, than you are to beating yourself up about it.
"I can't see myself being one of those people!" you say... If you weren't capable of recovering then you wouldn't have even found this site and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
Words are very powerful and we have to be mindful of the things we say to ourselves. There's a book that helped me that covers this in more detail. It's called 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers.
It looks like there will be a beginners workshop in London 2013 - details are usually posted at the top of the forum message board. Can you make the Manchester workshop in October? I live in Manchester, I could meet you in town before it starts for some moral support if you want.
Best wishes, Mike T
Re: Hi
Posted by Mark L on 17/8/2012, 8:39 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Hi Rick,
Welcome to the message board! It looks like Mike has done a grand job of giving advice, and I cant really add to it much!
Id only suggest telling your girlfriend if you havent already. It'll take a load off your mind and make things so much easier. Reading through this message board, you'll see that everyone who has told someone has had no funny remarks or negative comments, only support and understanding.
Hope you get onto a workshop soon, email the address at the top of the page so Andrew can send you some more info.
De-sense as often as you can and go into as many public WCs as you can, wether you need to go or not.
All the best,
Mark
Re: Hi
Posted by Rick on 17/8/2012, 10:06 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Thank you very much for your comments! My gf does know all about it and a few friends do as well, I do try and visit the toilets as much as poss when I'm out but doesn't seem to help much! Distraction techniques used to help but now I'm so used to them that they don't really work. I can't make Manchester but as soon as there is one in London I'm def going! Don't think I can live the rest of my life as a prisoner in my own body so something has to change! Looking forward to meeting others with the same thing, thanks again Rick.
Re: Hi
Posted by Geoff on 22/8/2012, 10:57 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Hi Rick,
I'm waiting for a London workshop, too. I wonder if some London people would like to meet up informally (not necessarily just to bleat about our shy bladders!) If you think that might help you post back and I'll share my email address. I have never talked with anyone else about this except GPs and counsellors - how did you tell your gf and friends?!
Happy to meet up with anyone
Posted by MARKSATTIN on 24/8/2012, 12:45 pm, in reply to "Re: Hi"
Good initiative Geoff - Happy to meet up with anyone. Can share my own experience, attitudes etc - I am in central London 4-6 times a month. My email displayed
