This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
Hi, I found this site a couple of years ago having suffered from mild pauresis since I was about 13 but didn't know what it was, this site has helped quite a bit. I can always go in a cubical and using some of the techiniques I have discovered I can now usually use a urinal but only if there are dividers between them and at least one gap to the next person, so it's not really causing me any major problems and doesn't effect my life too much. I have two sons of 8 and 10 and have come to realise that my 10 year old may too be a sufferer, I have always made an effort to use a urinal in public toilets when my children are with me as I can always go right in front of them and I want them to use them as normal. (I can always go right in from of my wife too and after I found this website I told her about me after 10 years together of her not knowing) Over the last 6 months to a year I have noticed the 10 year old has decided he "didn't need to go anymore" while standing at a urinal on quite a few occasions and during our holiday when we used public toilets more than normal he always went into a cubical and locked the door. I didn't make a big deal about it and even made a excuse to the 8 year old when he commented that his brother doesn't use urinals. At home he always closes the door and wants any empty bathroom before he will go. In contrast the 8 year old would go in the middle of a busy beach if I had let him, he really couldn't care less who is watching. Does anybody have any experience of this, should I be talking about it with him now etc and any tips on how to go about it? Thanks
Its good that you are caring about your son. Our experience is with adults who choose to do something about it. Obviously a ten year old who is not asking for help is a totally different matter. I am going to have to think long and hard about this before attempting advice. So I'll get back to you in a day or two OK?
Professor Gardner (our Hon Advisor) and I have talked this over, and we have several points to make.
First we should not jump to conclusions. Given your paruresis, and hence your awareness of this condition in others, we have to be careful of assuming that paruresis is the reason for his behaviour; instead we need to eliminate other possibilities.
1. At ten, he could be entering puberty, and some kids become very body-shy and body self-conscious; especially if they do not know what is happening, or if they are teased by other boys who have not yet entered pubescence (e.g. yuk… look how hairy you are). Have you had a father to son chat with him about puberty yet? That may be a way in.
2. A significant number of men have paruresis due to being bullied in school toilets; they learn rapidly to seek solitude and safety. In his case, assuming he is still in primary school, this is unlikely, but it needs considering if only to eliminate it as a cause.
3. Now going back to your awareness of paruresis: is it possible that you have made him aware that you are aware that he was uncomfortable in public toilets, and so made him want to be on his own to avoid comments from you? If so, it has happened, and the only way forward is to respect his privacy and do nothing more to suggest you are taking notice of his behaviour.
Our conclusion is that it would be better to do nothing at the moment that would increase any anxiety. So ignore it and treat his behaviour as literally unremarkable. So not even commenting that its OK. If the subject comes up, like when the younger son commented on it, shrug it off, bearing in mind that some men who do not have paruresis prefer to use cubicles. It may be helpful to use a cubicle from time to time yourself, say when the toilets are busy, to show that it is normal behaviour.
If you do find yourself having to talk about it with him, consider starting by describing what you were like, what you are like now, how you feel in a toilet, how its ok to use either urinals or cubicles depending on how you feel at that point in time, its OK to have your space, to take you time etc. etc. Only then consider asking an open question (i.e. not a question that has a yes/no answer) e.g. ask him something like what do you feel like in a toilet, in order to get him to open up; and let silences ride so that he can take his time answering, which he will probably do in fits and starts.
So give it a year or two, see how it develops, and look at it again then. Dealing with it in terms of the advice on our website requires discussion and practice, so you will have to judge when he would be able to take part in that.
Have a think about this and feel free to get back to us.
Has anyone else had any experience of this, either as the Dad, or as the youngster?
My Dad never showed me how to use a urinal, as he always uses/used cubicles. This ment that I didnt use my first urinal till I was in my 20's. I think its good that Dan has been showing his sons from an early age.
If I ever have a son, I will make sure I will do the same and if I cant use busy urinals by then, I will fake it.
On another note - I remember once seeing in a busy service station a man holding up his 5(?) year old son in front him at a urinal. The boy was clearly getting destressed and I heard him say 'I cant go'. This obviously was too soon for him and it would mean that urinals are associated with stress/frustration. Not good! Plus its not really natural to urinate whilst being held 2 feet off the ground!
I am in a similar position with my son who plays a lot of football and is 11 years old. Other kids pee at the side of the field but he has to wait until he is at the clubhouse or gets home. I sense that he is often 'holding on', and want to sympathise and give advice, but haven't a clue what to say. Is it better for him to be up front and tell his teammates what the problem is? I have never been able to tell anyone about me, even my wife found out by accident and we never talk about it.