Posted by Andrew on 29/8/2011, 4:29 pm, in reply to "Now my son has pauresis...I think"

Hi Dan Professor Gardner (our Hon Advisor) and I have talked this over, and we have several points to make. First we should not jump to conclusions. Given your paruresis, and hence your awareness of this condition in others, we have to be careful of assuming that paruresis is the reason for his behaviour; instead we need to eliminate other possibilities. 1. At ten, he could be entering puberty, and some kids become very body-shy and body self-conscious; especially if they do not know what is happening, or if they are teased by other boys who have not yet entered pubescence (e.g. yuk… look how hairy you are). Have you had a father to son chat with him about puberty yet? That may be a way in. 2. A significant number of men have paruresis due to being bullied in school toilets; they learn rapidly to seek solitude and safety. In his case, assuming he is still in primary school, this is unlikely, but it needs considering if only to eliminate it as a cause. 3. Now going back to your awareness of paruresis: is it possible that you have made him aware that you are aware that he was uncomfortable in public toilets, and so made him want to be on his own to avoid comments from you? If so, it has happened, and the only way forward is to respect his privacy and do nothing more to suggest you are taking notice of his behaviour. Our conclusion is that it would be better to do nothing at the moment that would increase any anxiety. So ignore it and treat his behaviour as literally unremarkable. So not even commenting that its OK. If the subject comes up, like when the younger son commented on it, shrug it off, bearing in mind that some men who do not have paruresis prefer to use cubicles. It may be helpful to use a cubicle from time to time yourself, say when the toilets are busy, to show that it is normal behaviour. If you do find yourself having to talk about it with him, consider starting by describing what you were like, what you are like now, how you feel in a toilet, how its ok to use either urinals or cubicles depending on how you feel at that point in time, its OK to have your space, to take you time etc. etc. Only then consider asking an open question (i.e. not a question that has a yes/no answer) e.g. ask him something like what do you feel like in a toilet, in order to get him to open up; and let silences ride so that he can take his time answering, which he will probably do in fits and starts. So give it a year or two, see how it develops, and look at it again then. Dealing with it in terms of the advice on our website requires discussion and practice, so you will have to judge when he would be able to take part in that. Have a think about this and feel free to get back to us. Has anyone else had any experience of this, either as the Dad, or as the youngster? Cheers Andrew

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