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Hello everyone! My name is Chelsea and I’m 19 (20 tomorrow) I live in America, and have had PA for about 10 years. It started off just as an annoyance, and really didn’t get in the way of anything at first, but in the last couple years it has turned into a monster consuming my life. Like many of you because of PA I don’t socialize as much as I could and I back out of a lot of plans just so I will not have to fear about bathrooms. When I do go out I worry about it so much that sometimes it brings my whole day down. I don’t even feel like it’s worth it.
With my birthday being tomorrow, and looking back on how I have been living my life lately, I have decided that enough is enough. I can’t keep living my life with this irrational fear. I feel like such a slacker, since at age 20 I have never even had a job in fear that I will be stuck working with a full bladder and a foreign bathroom.
These last couple of days I have been reading through these forums thoroughly. You seem like such a comforting group of people and have been bringing me much strength into my fight to overcome this.
Today was the second time I tried to use a public bathroom with people inside. I picked ones I was use to and have no trouble going in when they are empty. I drank a lot of water, and when I finally felt like there was no way I could stand it any longer I went in. No matter how many tries though, I couldn’t go. It was very annoying. It wasn’t that I felt panicky. Most of the time I am quite panicky, but I was getting over it pretty quickly seeing I was just sitting there listening to music and messing with my ipod. I just couldn’t go when I know I needed to. Once everyone left though I was fine! I’m sure you guys understand.
So I was wondering if anyone knew some good tricks for this. Since I don’t feel panicky I’m not sure what to do. I feel like my mind is over it but my body isn’t! Maybe I’ve just got so use to panicking that I can’t notice it anymore.
I am also planning on calling my colleges counseling office and scheduling an appointment for counseling. I really don’t know what to expect from it and am really scared about how it will work out, but it’s worth a try.
Anyway, sorry for such a long hello. I guess it just feels really good to have people that really understand how all of this is! Also, I do know about the American PA site. I just thought it would also be great to say hello here. I hope you don’t mind.
I'm fairly new to this site too, but, as you said, there are many words of comfort on this site which make you realise that there is a way to improve your life. At 19, you have plenty of life ahead of you!
Happy 20th birthday for tomorrow, celebrate it however YOU want to. If a night out is likely to cause anxiety and spoil your birthday, have a night in instead with friends and family...... well, seeing as though your 20, you'll probably not want your parents to spoil all the fun! Have a night at your friends house, if familiar settings allow you to pee that is.
Good to hear from you and sure its Ok to use this board even if you come from that big island on the other side of the Atlantic ;-0
Advice? Well we have put most of it on our website to save repeating things; the link is at the top of the page; have you read it? There is so much that I could not put it all in a posting.
But the main advice is to attend a workshop in the USA. Or to get CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy).
BTW dont fluid load until you "could not stand it any longer" That is putting pressure on you. Go when you have a good but still comfortable urge.
OK one other bit of advice for your situation. Practice "faking it" i.e. make sure you do not need a pee, then go to the toilet when there are people there and go through the motions. Get used to being there. Read your mind and body and anxiety, what is happening? Learn to manage any anxiety or negative feelings. Leave the toilet and go back in 5 mins later. Do it say 6 times. Then again another day. You will know when it starts to get boring. Then fluid load, comfortably, and go in but tell yourself you are not going to pee this time. Leave and return a few minutes later; again say you are not going to pee this time; see what happens.
Pete, I had a lovely Birthday. Thanks for caring. I ended up going out to eat at a really nice restaurant with my mother and friend. I even decided to see what the bathrooms were like. Most of the time I don’t even plan to step into a restaurant bathroom, but I decided the sooner I start the better. I didn’t try to go, but just walking in there, and standing at the sink, checking out the surrounding felt good enough for me for now.
Andrew, You gave some good advice that I plan to start working on. Thank you. After reading your message I feel that I may be trying too hard, too fast. You are correct, I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. Because of what you said I will try and remember to work a little at a time. Even though it’s slower, hopefully this will show more rewarding progress.
As I said in my first entry I am planning on calling my colleges counseling program (hopefully tomorrow.) I hope the way they will work with me is similar to how a CBT counseling program is ran. I’m scared they will not know what to do with someone like me. I know there are many people like us, but it seems from what I have read (and my own experience) many people take it as a joke or not as serious. I hope they understand.
I’ll definitely start practicing faking it starting tomorrow. It sounds like a good step to take from here.
I checked out the list of books on the website and thinking of buying Shy Bladder Syndrome or Bathrooms Make Me Nervous. It seems a lot more people have read and rated Shy Bladder Syndrome on Amazon yet Bathrooms Make Me Nervous is from a girls perspective. Hmmm
What you did in the restaurant was spot on. We always recommend going to the toilet on arrival (you can fake it, or check your makeup and hair, or wash your hands); the idea is to remove the element of the unknown. Then when you wish to go to pee, you know what you are going into, and do not get the sudden burst of adrenaline when faced with a new situation.
"Too hard, too fast" Yep. CBT is a slow and steady process, and usually contains ups and downs. The trick is to take a long term approach, and to be prepared in advance to weather the setbacks.
College counselling: you are right that they may well not know about this; take print-outs from our website and the IPA website with you; the latter may carry more weight with them. Point out that "The condition was first researched and defined by Williams and Degenhardt in their paper "Paruresis: a Survey of a Disorder of Micturition" published in the Journal of General Psychology, 1954, 51, 19-29." This was based on research in the USA.
The books: the reason for the difference is that Soifer's book has been in print since 2001; Carol's book was published only this year. There is no harm in getting both.
Hi Chelsea, Welcome to our community! (though I'm sure you'd rather not be in the position of needing to be here!)
One thing I find very difficult, but very helpful when I can do it, is to concentrate on something else while I'm trying to go. The more I think about trying to pee, the less likely I will be able to relax. It's all about feeling comfortabe where you are and with what you are doing. The more you think about it, the bigger the monster seems.
As I say, you're very welcome here. Let us know how it's going.
Hi Chelsea i'm Matty i'm 21 and i live in sunny England.It feels reassuring to know that someone of the same age group (no offense to any of our fellow AP's) but like everyone on this site i thought i was the only one with AP.
I read your post and i to have put off alot of goings out and other social events and i to have never had a job until last weekend when i got a phone call asking me if i wanted to start work as a cleaner cleaning caravans. I've only been doing it for a week and i already feel more confident and i am already looking for another job.
I don't know what life is like for you over in the states but i would advise that you take any job you can because it only gets harder as we grow older and its a big step forward.
I'll never forget my 20th. It's the day I went into the Army. Not an ideal place for a paruretic but fortunately that was long enough ago (the Rebels had just fired on Ft. Sumter) that it was before they started random AND OBSERVED drug testing. Somehow I muddled through.
I consider Stephen Soifer's book to be not just a great first step but a necessary one. Otherwise it's kinda like getting a new band-saw and thinking you don't have to read the instructions. Three fingers later....
Want to make the most significant progress in the least amount of time? GET YE TO A WORKSHOP! I've been to 4 of them in as many years and the quality of my life has improved dramatically. Cured? There are still combinations of events that cause me to lock-up but they are greatly reduced from 4 years ago. Guess a good example of my progress is airports. They used to be about an 8.5 on the 10-scale for me. Now they're about a 4.5 tops; I don't even empty anymore before I leave the house. That's the kind of freedom you can derive from the Workshop experience. Otherwise it's like getting a new hydrogen bomb and thinking you don't need to read the instructions. VERY ill-advised!
So Happy Twentieth and Have a Good Life. You deserve it.
It’s been a while since I’ve written. Sorry. I meant to make an update right after my first counseling appointment, but I got side tracked with school and everything else. I just got back from my second appointment. I am liking my counselor a lot. She is very understanding and knowledgeable. Although she didn’t know AP exactly when I came to see her, she seemed to know a good amount about phobias and social anxiety, so it wasn’t hard for her to try and understand where I was coming from. My assignment for this week is to try to use a bathroom where people are present, but if I’m not able to go then pour water into the toilet to fake it. We couldn’t help but laugh at this idea but I’m willing to try, and interested to see what it will be like.
Next week she wants to start working on biofeedback with me. I’m looking forward to this since not only will it be able to help with my AP but my every day social anxiety.
De-sensing is going well. I’ve been able to change a couple of anxiety causing thoughts. One thought I noticed that caused me a lot of anxiety was when I was just about to enter the bathroom. When I was at the door, I would play a game with myself, where I would guess if someone was in the bathroom or not. If my anxiety rose a great amount before entering, I took it as someone being inside. If it didn’t, then I took it as no one was. I never noticed this until I started practicing. Now, instead of thinking like this, I’ve been trying to think that I hope someone is inside so I have more times to practice. I feel it’s working. I’m still not able to go, but a lot of times I feel that I’m really close to going and all I need is to feel a little bit more comfortable to go.
Thank you all for your replies and advice. I hope you are all doing well.
Also, a special hello to Matty. It is definitely nice to see someone around my age on here, and congrats on the job. Be sure to keep us updated on how everything is going. It is also hard to find a job here, especially with how bad the economy is right now. I’m feeling a job would be a good idea for the summer so I have more time to practice and be out of the house, but I don’t know. Right now, I have trouble getting out of the house at all because all I end up worrying about is, “what if I have to use the bathroom?” I’m hoping therapy will help me enough so I will be motivated and feel comfortable enough to take the next step and find a job. It's one of the big reasons why I went to get help overcoming this. I don't want to be jobless living in my parents house forever!
Hello, I'm a new member as well... just thought I'd pop a message in too as I'm 21.
I used to be a severe sufferer, but through bloody mindedness I've managed to get my condition into something I can handle in most situations - but I still have plenty of hurdles to overcome. Let us know how the treatment goes -I've never seeked any so I'd like to know if it's effective.
Anyway ... I'm going to get back to hunting around the site and message board.
