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New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
Posted by Mike on 29/10/2008, 6:43 pm
Hey guys, I've recently found out about this thing, and although perhaps my case has never been as severe or inflicting on my life than others (mainly due to me being able to piss in cubicles or on the rare occasion urinals whilst completely trashed on alcohol . Anyway, I'm 21 and now I'm living in a shared home with this single loo right outside all the rooms so it's really easy to hear when your in there! A nightmare for a paruresis who's new 'safe' toilet is far from safe.
Anyway, I hit an all time low the other day and couldn't even go when I had my music on pretty loud drowning out almost all the noise, and also really early in the morning when everyone was more than likely asleep (both of which I could do some weeks before). Basically this came down to thinking more about it and knowing that I had this disease amplyfing the anxiety.
But...
After reading some really inspirational stories, I've decided I'm going to BEAT THIS THING DOWN SO HARD IT WILL NEVER EVER SHOW IT'S MISERABLE FACE IN MY LIFE AGAIN ONCE I AM THROUGH WITH IT!
I started today... took a few minutes to try to relax, #### it didn't help one bit, I turned my music on and walked into the toilet, I pulled the LOUD light switch and shut the door, knowing full well my two housemates were wide awake inside their silent rooms doing whatever they do - listening to me pee apparently. Heart beating, I stood there and waited, I slowed my breathing and stared at the wall in front of me and tried to think about work (I'm a 3D artist btw and love my work :D) - after what felt like 5 minutes (more like 30 seconds I bet) I felt the beginnings of a urination come up, but it got shut down by a contraction somewhere in my bladder or urethra, but I continued to wait, it happened again and this time a bit came out! wow I thought could this be it, but as soon as I heard it trickle onto the toilet basin my instant reaction somewhere inside my preprogrammed brain was'OH DEAR GOD STOP NOW YOUR MAKING A NOISE! YOUR ENTIRE MANHOOD AND RESPECT FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU IS AT RISK!' and thus my urine flow was swiftly denied. But - I continued. This time it hit the spot. This time some part of me accepted it and I was able to pick up a solid flow. Probably a 2 minute heart racing rollercoaster ride overall. I currently feel amazing.
If I continue with this success I will find a new found respect and happiness for life that I don't think I could ever have felt. Perhaps in some ways this disease has it's positive side. I find myself approaching girls and getting in fights in clubs regularly and barely loosing my nerve. What the #### is getting rejected by some girl or having some conflict compared to having nerve racking soul destroying anxiety accompanied with pee difficulty every hour or two of the day.
Next time I will have my music on just a bit quieter. And I will stand there for as long as it takes... as long as it takes. I will do this until I am peeing with the door open farting as I go while my roommate has his door wide ajar, and until I can squeeze in between two fat guys at a trough urinal and pee away - maybe even point my pee toward them just to be cheeky. And this will be where I can vent my thoughts!
Re: New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
Attitude is the most important thing in beating this condition. You have to decide you are going to beat it, and you have to believe you can beat it. Those two rules are paramount. And you have shown that you have the necessary attitude.
Get into a f**k them misndet when you go in that at toilet i.e. you dont give a f**k what they think.
Hav a script in your head that for if a commetn is made (which is very very unlikely) i.e "you took a long time" Answer "So what, who'se counting?" or "It takes as long as it takes".
You mention staying in as long as it takes. Just beware of one thing: if your anxiety starts to rise out of control, get out and take the time to calm down, before trying again: you dont want to reinforce the link between anxiety and the situation.
Read the stuff on our website (not this forum): there is a page of useful guidance called "Components of a CBT approach".
Happy hunting
Andrew
Re: New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
Mike, it sounds like you will get over this problem where you live fine. The toilet will soon become your 'safe' toilet 100% of the time.
If its the sound you're worried about in the meantime, you can always sit down and 'direct' where the pee falls (ie to the edge of the toilet and not the water). Its probably best not to make a habbit of this as you seem to be getting over it, but its always a fail safe.
Its also good you didnt let this problem dictate where you live. I turned down the offer to move into a shared house at uni with some mates and instead stayed in halls with en-suites. Maybe if I had moved in with them I wouldnt still have this problem... who knows!
Keep up the good work and let us know how you get on!
Mark
Re: New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
Thanks for the replies guys! I find this really supportive.
I have made some progress today and pee'd twice standing up with people in their rooms with some music on in the background, and once in complete silence when I wasn't sure if there was one guy in his room or not, but I just told myself there wasn't All three times I think I started flow within about 10-20 seconds too, which feels pretty good!
I think your right Mark this is slowly becoming my safe toilet - all I need to do is man up and try to go when everyone is in their rooms and it's quiet, which is usually at like 11pm or something. Once I've got that down I reckon I could go anytime.
Re: New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
I have the same sort of issue at home with the family. I must say the longer you leave this problems the more it feeds itself and gets worse.
I normally go before I go to bed and just after I wake up when there are other noises in the house. The other night I had to get up in the middle of the night which I "never" have to do and I couldnt go and when I did it was a trickle. Took for ever and left me feeling unsatisfied. I was afraid of the the other people hearing me fail to pee properly and it made me really anxious.
I now make sure I drink extra water before I go to bed and dont pee before sleeping so that I have to go when there is absolutely no noise. I now target the water to make as much as noise as possible.
seems to be getting easier each time. well done and keep going forwards.
Re: New here - going to beat this thing! bit of a blog here I reckon :P
. Anyway, I'm 21 and now I'm living in a shared home with this single loo right outside all the rooms so it's really easy to hear when your in there! A nightmare for a paruresis who's new 'safe' toilet is far from safe.