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find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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Just been to London Beginners' Workshop and I have to say that it was great. Firstly, Andrew and Colin quickly put us all at ease and soon we were sharing experiences and were able to laugh about our condition with people who truly understand. Everyone was really nice and all normal people with proper jobs and families, friends, hobbies etc and it was really good enjoying each others company in the bar on both evenings. The desensing sessions are good, although stopping flow after 3 seconds is not the most comfortable thing to do in the world...
Thanks to the support of Andrew, Colin and the rest of the group I made significant progress and feel much more positive about the whole thing than I did last week. Driving home I stopped at two services, one with urinals with dividers and one without (though very quiet, only one other bloke in there) but I was able to go both times! I was not remotely close to doing this on my journey to the workshop on Friday, so I can vouch for the fact that workshops make a difference; sure I had a couple of misfires over the course of the weekend, but that's part of the learning process, and it's how you deal with it that matters.... like trying again a couple of minutes later and being successful!
So go to a workshop, you won't regret it - I know I need to keep working at it and practising what I've learnt but I feel much more in control and more aware of how to beat this.
Just to confirm what Robin says. I attended the same workshop this weekend and found it a true revelation. Colin and Andrew are really great. I would encourage anyone who has this problem to go along to a workshop - there is nothing to fear and you'll be among friends. It's so great that after all these years I've been shown such a positive way of attacking this problem. Just go for it - you'll be able to start enjoying your life to the full once more.
yeah, just to add up to what robin and graham said - it really is a positive experience! i was also among the ones who attended this workshop and i can only say that i now feel much more confident about beating this problem, even though it'll probably take a while considering i have a pretty bad case of paruresis. i also understood much better how graduated exposure works now, which i think will encourage me to really practice it. and of course, not to forget how nice it is to actually meet normal people who happen to have the same sucky problem and laugh about it. although i was the youngest one AND a girl, it didn't feel too weird being there it was unusual, for sure, but somewhat a quite funny experience...
a big thank you to andrew and colin for their support and for organising these workshops, and also to all participants :D
Having also been on the London course, all I can say to anyone with Paruresis is get on a beginners couse it will be the best decision you ever make. No need to be shy as you are amoungst equals, and Andrew & Colin are fantastic. I can't believe how much progress I made in a single weekend. Still some way to go, but working on it every day, and feeling much more positive. Don't hesitate it will change your life!
Big thank you to everyone on the London course. I have never met such a great group of people.
I would like to go on one of these - but how do you explain a whole weekend to your wife? (ps not being funny but, please don't ask me to tell my wife - I have a mild case of this which I have pretty much been able to keep to myself (although over time I think mates and work collegues may begin to think something is not quite right) - it happens when someone is say within two urinals and with no deviders - so basically when you think someone else will notice if you're not 'doing it'. It's a real pain this thing - amd I would love to lose it it's good to know I'm not alone - but at the same time wouldn't wish it on anyone else
Hi Luke Tell me about it! Telling the first person is really difficult. Especially if it is your wife. I put off going on my first workshop for over a year, cos I just could not work out how you tell your wife you are off to a hotel for a weekend, without actually telling her what for! In the end I just knew I had to book it, so I did it, booked the hotel and everything, and then just sat down and told her. Honestly mate, the ceiling did not come crashing down! The world did not end, there was no thunder and lightning or anything! Really disappointing. There was me with a condition I had dared not talk about to anyone for over forty years, as I knew they would think I was unmanly and wimpish, and she just went "really"? when I explained it. "How long have you had that"? and that was just about it. She of course then supported me in getting it fixed. I had wasted a year fretting over something actually no-one else cares about. Tell your wife. There is a great script on this website which explains it is just a phobia like fear of flying or spiders. Use it to write your own. Print off some literature from the site and show her, so she knows there are millions of sufferers in this country alone! The main thing is to BOOK A WORKSHOP. It will be the best thing you have ever done. I know it was for me! You need to get your life back, and the sooner you start the sooner life will be great once again. Colin
Thanks Colin - I just know I couldn't tell my wife. I would if I 'fixed it', but not before. I just think I could see her thinking less of me, and I don't want this burden on her as well. To think that she was having to think about this as well, when we're out together, maybe with other people etc, it would be on her mind too. I'll take the burden alone. It's such a pain though. I'd really like to attend the workshop, but don't see one on here 'up North' in the foreseable future. Do you think the organisers would ever do one for 'less time' - like Friday night, and then Saturday from 10am to 7pm, but not Sunday - and then another weekend soon after. I honestly believe they'd get more people attending this way. There must be loads of people who'd love to something about this but just can't do a full weekend. How many people attend the beginners course?
ps - to the webmaster - do you know that on these posting forms above the email line - it says 'optional but WILL be displayed' - is that a mistake? (should it say 'will not') Can't imagine many people are going to want their email address on a post are they? If you 'google' a person's email address, you can often find out who they are!
I was also in that workshop a few weeks ago and it was one of the most positive expereince of my life. I had this for 25 years and it has certainly controlled part of my life. I had never told absolutely anyone even when I was really distressed about it in my teenage years. I first told a urologist six months ago and then my wife a few weeks before the workshop. The reaction was pretty much the opposite of what you are fearing. It actually takes a lot of courage for a man to be ready to confront his own phobia, spend 48 hours discussing it with total strangers and do what it akes to tackle the issue. My wife was impressed that I was courageous enough to do so, didn't judge me whatsoever for having the phobia in the first place. She even mentioned that she and other women can also freeze in a stressful cubicle situation which was news to me. And the first thing I did the next day the workshop was to tell two of my mates about my paruresis and the workshop. I never ever thought I could that but then again their reaction impressed me tremendously as they also mentioned to me that they had their own share of irrational fears (although not paruresis) and were totally supportive. So basically, don't be scare to tell your wife, it will be you first step toward recovery and do attend the workshop, they are brilliant.
Good luck
Steph
Re: Workshops are great
Posted by Andrew on 4/11/2008, 3:23 pm, in reply to "Re: Workshops are great" Message modified by board administrator 5/11/2008, 7:59 pm
Hi Luke
OK.. only you know your wife, but we have wide experience of the extent of people's obsession about how shameful this condition is, and how bizarre it must seem to others, and how others would think less of them.
In practice, the secrecy obsession feeds on itself; when told to other people, it is seen as no big deal, because it is very difficult for others to comprehend its impact; so they do not attach any great importance to it, and often forget you told them!
So your wife will see it as a minor problem, like mild stage fright, and will accept your getting treatment for it. She certainly would not be thinking about it when out.
Some men feel it makes them less of a man; but the fact we have female sufferers as well proves it is not a gender issue: i.e. I cannot say to a female sufferer: "Does having this condition make you feel less of a man!"
As for the weekend: it is not done lightly; after all, it means me giving up five whole days, by the time I include preparation and post workshop stuff. The content was put together by psychologists, and the weekend is intensive. We have had a few cases of people unilaterally coming late or leaving early, and it was noticeable how the benefit they got was diminished significantly; we no no longer allow that on a Beginners workshop, only on a Follow-up workshop.
As for the content, I do not detail it, cos the paruresis personality would just find something to use as an excuse for not attending.
And as for "getting more people to attend"; we are already fully subscribed each time, with a waiting list. We cannot handle more at present. And no one attending has queried the length.
We deal with severe cases (they struggle even at home); moderate cases: they are OK at home but struggle in cubicles; and mild cases who are not too bad in cubicles but cannot do urinals wehn others are about. So you see you are on the mild end of mild. You could even be described as being on the shy end of normal; except that you are carrying in your head a load of negativity about this; just like everyone else with this condition. Have you thought of practicing on your own, using the info we provide on the website? If you want guidance on this, read the website and then get in touch by email with any questions.
it was unusual, for sure, but somewhat a quite funny experience... 
it's good to know I'm not alone - but at the same time wouldn't wish it on anyone else