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I’ve been on two workshops now and things are going quite well. I’ve improved tremendously, in a few weeks I’ll be having my first appointment with a psychologist to help me stay on track and keep pushing things forward with the CBT! I’m about to take the plunge and leave the comfort zone of my shop job for the first time ever, for a more populated working environment that no doubt has facilities catering for more than one person at a time, which will mean I’ll be frequently going (or trying to) when someone I know is in the room :S But I’m starting to see everything as less of a problem and more of a challenge now, things are going well.
BUT… I’m encountering a small problem. The friends and family I’ve told just don’t get it. No matter how articulate I am in explaining it, their understanding seems to be nothing more than a confused sympathy that is directly related to how distressed I am while explaining it.
There’s no problem with my parents, who are very sympathetic (because I was very distressed when telling them) but they clearly don’t understand. My father has the delusion it’s a genetically inherited trait and I’ll grow out of it in time anyway. He says he had a similar problem at my age and it just went. Though when listening to him talk about it I’m not sure it’s that similar.
The problem I’m finding is in the friends I’ve told. The first one, L was very sympathetic to begin with, but recently I keep hearing the same phrase come out of her mouth an awful lot “your just over thinking it.” and then there’s J. I told him recently, he has a very similar problem, he can rarely use a urinal and has a generally very shy bladder, but he’s never seen it as a problem and so can’t understand why I’d let it effect me as it does at all, instead preferring to believe I’m using it as an excuse to not move forward in life out of idleness.
I’m finding this really frustrating. Particularly with L whom I see a lot of and I drag her out to pubs and bars specifically so I can peal off every 10-15mins to de-sense. If they understood better they’d be more instrumental in helping overcome the problem I’m sure, but how to make them understand better?
Any advice?
I’ve been elaborating on something from the “script”.
“You’re afraid of spiders right? Well imagine having to pick up 6-7 a day. And imagine every time you left the house you knew you were probably gonna have to pick one up, but you didn’t know how big or hairy it was gonna be? And if your friends ask you out to a club you don’t know, that’s another 1-2 big hairy spiders (if your not drinking).
Spider can’t hurt you, things scarred of you, can’t even think nothing to rationally be afraid of in a spider, but your scared of it anyway aren’t you. And if you going out to a new club meant picking up some nasty ones that might be real big and REAL hairy, you might not go out to that club, you might make an excuse and stay in. You might start doing that with a lot of things… “
That’s what I’ve been going with, as well as a lot of other stuff explaining what happened in life to bring me to that mindset, physically how it works… I don’t know what else I can say to make them understand I’m not simply over thinking it, it’s not a trivial problem. Anybody got any different experiences or advice?
Sorry the post is so long.
Re: telling people!
Posted by C on 22/4/2008, 6:14 pm, in reply to "telling people!"
Hello Mike,
I have had this, like most people, since I was about 12 or so (I am now 28). Where do I start..I never really worried about this until I discovered this web site accidentally. All through my teens and early twenties I just accepted that I had to be alone when pissing. No problem. I never missed out on anything because of it. When I discovered this site about a year ago I decided to attack the problem. I attended a workshop and it helped but I cannot seem to completely shift it. Sometimes it is there, sometimes it goes off. I have made a decision that I really don't care about it. I went through a stage of really stressing about it when I was having trouble de sensing. But now I just feel like it is not worth even spending another minute of my life worrying about it. When I am going through periods where I am really trying to shift it, it gets worse. When I say **** it, whatever, it gets considerably better. The stress of worrying about it causes it! The analogy you gave about the spider can be looked at as: Having AP is like being scared of spiders. But you are not scared of the spider itself, you are scared of a bathroom full of massive, dangerous ones that are going to attack you, crawl all over you and bite you. Because of this, you avoid the bathroom. But all you really have to worry about is possibly seeing a big spider. It will never touch you or even come near you if it is there at all. The more you worry about it, the worse you think it is going to hurt you. Do you get what I mean? What is the worse thing that can happen in any bathroom? You have to wait for a cubicle or, at worse, pop outside for a piss. One thing the last year has taught me is that life is too short to miss out on anything. Especially because you are worried about pissing. Believe me, life could end tomorrow for any of us. It's only as big a problem as you make it.
Hope this helps
Re: telling people!
Posted by Pete on 23/4/2008, 9:58 pm, in reply to "telling people!"
I've just discovered after many years that I'm not the only person in the world with this problem and have steeled myself to tell my grown-up children how my life has been affected by it. It seems I had successfully hidden it from them and everybody else, too. I began by showing them Chapter 7 (particularly the opening section) of Steven Soifer's book "Shy Bladder Syndrome". I had amazing sympathy and understanding and the willingness to discuss it with me. Try it. I can highly recommend it.
I cannot resist endorsing Pete's comments. I have been telling people on a NEED TO KNOW basis for some time now, and I have received the utmost support, that in itself is very helpful because it calms me down, and has been one of the elements which has helped me combat this condition.
If I am out in a bar and i am going to the loo a close mate even asks whether I want him to come with me, because in a busy loo he often stands there as a "division" between me and others, specially at a trough type urinal. It works a treat, and I have never had a misfire using this technique. Until I attended a workshop in January I could not use a urinal at all, and sometimes not a closed cubicle even at home.
In my experience I have not regreted telling people on a strictly "need to know" basis, and it has played a part in me turning my life around regarding my Paruresis.
Hope this is helpful to others.
Raymond.
Re: telling people!
Posted by Mike W on 27/4/2008, 4:33 pm, in reply to "telling people!"
Hi Mike, (think I met you on workshop) congrat.s on new job and keeping going with the de sensing, I'd be interested to hear how it goes with the psychologist to. Anyone who's putting themselves through de sensing gets my best wishes , I'm making slow but steady progress myself.
As far as telling people goes I haven't got any brilliant ideas, I think I've told 9 people, and although they've all been sympathetic and its been a great relief to have told people about it I feel only one really got it. I have got one friend who I've got to come out with me de sensing a couple of times, as well as de sensing in his house to begin with, and that has been very useful, but I still don't think he really understands - he still thinks if I really needed to go I wouldn't be able to stop myself, despite my various explanations of how it works. I've tried to explain how it can feel like the biggest thing in my life, that overshadows everything else.
I think that perhaps different people just have different capacities for understanding something like this. Some people might think that if its a fear of toilets then you can just grit your teeth and get on with it, but obviously that's not the case - it doesn't matter how "brave" you are you still can't go. Its sounds like you're doing well anyway and have a good attitude, - good luck
Mike Glad to hear you are making steady progress, and that you have a buddy to do it with - top idea! As far as understanding goes, most people who don't have AP, or are not scared of spiders/snakes/blood etc, have a lot of difficulty in understanding just what is bothering someone who does. Most people in my experience only see things from their own perspective, so we are expecting a lot from them. But providing they are sympathetic - and it looks like your friends are - then does it matter if they fail to understand the depth of the problem for you? It sounds as if you have a bit of support,which is good. And you are making progress which is sound. Remember you can always contact Andrew or anyone else at the UKPT for advice if things get sticky, or consider another workshop to reinforce your progress. Keep going and one day this thing won't overshadow your life! Colin
