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At age 84 I have recently discovered from this excellent site and other information on the web that I am not the peculiar freak that I thought I was and that there are many men with the same problem. I have been pee shy almost as long as I can remember although I think I can pinpoint an unfortunate event, probably when I was about 4, which may have triggered it off. My life has been in many ways shaped - even ruined - by this disability, particulaly, as you can imagine, in my profession as a teacher The young men using this site should realise that they are fortunate in knowing that they are not alone and that help\is available. Go for it - you have a lot of life still in front of you and your condition can improve. For my part, my new knowledge has come as a profound relief - very different from when I sought medical help in the past. I was not made aware that I was one of many, and no real help or support was forthcoming. However, in the last week I have been trying some of the self-help suggestions and techniques I have found on the web and in Stephen Soifer's book, with encouraging success. I have been able to pee in a public toilet every day this week - five times in a urinal bowl and once in a trough. Not many people around though, but a good start and really unprecedented. No misfires either, so, you young guys, with the right determination and advice, I'm sure things will improve for you.
If anybody feels able to communicate with me - talk, meet or e-mail - I would be very pleased and grateful. Thanks and all the best. Pete.
Re: Release at last
Posted by Andrew on 8/2/2008, 1:22 am, in reply to "Release at last"
Hi Peter
Well done indeed! And your encouragement to teh younger ones is appreciated.
On small point: you wrote "Not many people around though, but a good start"
Could you rephrase that to yourself along the lines of "There were even some people around, so its a very good start" ;-)
And it is never too late to try a workshop; our record so far is a 75 years old, so you could really bust that one!
Andrew: Thanks so much for your reply and words of encouragement. It's really good to correspond with somebody who knows what it's all about. I take your point entirely with the wording. The way you put it is so much more positive - always a good thing. People tell me that I don't look or behave as if I'm so old, so I
hope to have a few more years to experience the incredible feeling of realease that I'm enjoying at present.
As for the Workshop, I'm not sure, as I don't "do" London nowadays. However, I won't rule it out as I would love to meet other sufferers and exchange views and experiences. I'm thinking that if I could see somebody locally in the same position as myself it might help us both to talk and, perhaps, practise together. Any ideas about this and how it might be achieved? Hope to get some response from other guys on this site too.
Thanks and all the best. Peter.
Re: Release at last
Posted by AndyM on 9/2/2008, 12:13 am, in reply to "Release at last"
Peter--
Congratulations on your recent positive experiences and on demonstrating that It's Never Too Late. Since you were a young man during WWII, I am curious to know if you served in the military and, if so, how you managed in those circumstances. Perhaps your teacher-status made you exempt. I got through almost three years in the army but, fortunately for me, that was years before they started random drug testing (my worst-case). Thanks and Good Luck.
Andy: Thanks very much for your message and encouraging remarks - I certainly hope it's not too late as I've had this problem far too long. In reply to your interesting question, I happen to be a pacifist, so didn't serve in the Forces during the war although I was of military age. Instead I did agricultural work for four years. It wasn't too easy to cope with the problem there as you were expected to pee out in the fields in front of everyone else -not nearly as bad as being in the Forces, though. I've no idea how I would have coped there. You don't say whether you have problems now and how you have managed to deal with them. I would be very interested to hear from you again with any useful suggestions.
Many thanks again for your interest. Very best wishes. Peter.
Ah...then you're a step ahead. I think the only way out of this phobia is through, not around. Which means we have to place ourselves in situations that we're used to either avoiding or running away from (like "bailing out" from a urinal). Anyone who refused military induction in a war that, by far, most of the citizenry regarded as "good," certainly has the Courage of their convictions. {Take a Salute}.
For me, Workshops have been the answer. When you're with men and women who all understand what if feels like to suffer from shy bladder, and who are all rooting for you, it somehow empowers you to be able to pee in situations where you usually can't. Thereby teaching your phobic brain, "YES I CAN!!" That's some pretty powerful stuff, and it has the tendency to stay with you.
I'm not "cured" and I'm no expert, but as an example, airplane travel used to be about a 9 on the 10-scale for me. Now, three Workshops later, it's about a 4. Before leaving the house, I used to say to myself, "How will I pee? Where will I pee? When will I pee?" Now I think, "I don't know when, where or how, but I know I'll pee." The quality of my life has much-improved since my first Workshop.
I'm not fond of cities myself (I'll take a big rock in a stream to a football stadium any day) but if that's where the Workshops are, then that's where I'm going. Maybe I'll explore a foreign restaurant or a museum while I'm there.
What's that Mr. Churchill said after the victory in Africa? "This isn't the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. But it is the end of the beginning." That's how I felt after my first Workshop. Welcome to The Fight.
Andy: Thanks so much for your encouragement and for your flattering remarks (not at all deserved) about my stand in the war. Not everybody sees it that way!
I'm sure you are right about Workshops and I would love to meet other sufferers and talk about views and experiences. I'll keep it in mind but can't promise anything. After burying myself in a sleepy Suffolk village for over twenty years London is a foreign country to me. I'm near Bury St Edmunds and wondering if there is any chance of meeting you sometime? I'd also like to meet someone in this area who has similar problems. We might very well be able to help each other but how to bring this about I've no idea. Any suggestions?
For the moment, I've decided the best thing to do is to "practice" every day as far as possible, now that I realise I'm not alone, until the whole process comes more naturally. Today I felt quite pleased at being able to pee in a urinal with another guy only two or three places away. Still felt very nervous, though, and I expect there will be setbacks especially in crowded situations, but as you say, it could be the end of the beginning! It's obvious, from waht you say, that positive thinking has played a big part im helpng you. I hope it will do the same for me - I'm not easily defeated when I know something is possible!
I would love to keep in touch, if you are willing. Any further suggestions or comments would be much appreciated.
1) I have emailed you as to how we might communicate in the future.
2) "...your flattering remarks (not at all deserved) about my stand in the war. Not everybody sees it that way!"
That's the point: You stood up for what you believed in at a time when very few others believed in it, knowing full-well ahead-of-time that you'd be almost universally scorned (and possibly a lot worse)for it. That took Courage. No one can ever take that away from you. Not even you.
Re: Release at last
Posted by Lewis on 20/2/2008, 12:57 pm, in reply to "Release at last"
Hi Pete,
Firstly, thankyou for your kind comments, and I'm so pleased my story helped you, especially in relating to your own story. I've read your posting and it seems that you, like me thought you were the only person in the world suffering from this condition. You have obviously gained a lot from realising you are one of 'many' but otherwise completely normal. It's great that you are getting some successes too and long may it continue.
I find it strange that the minute you tell someone about it, the stress disappears. Just imagine a scenario where everyone in a public toilet knew of your condition but it didn't bother them in the slightest; (like my friends re my posting). Then it wouldn't matter if it took one, two, three minutes or however long to get started. In time you simply wouldn't care a jot and peeing would be just like it is in the sanctuary of your bathroom. Perhaps this is how the workshops operate?
Rambling on a little, does anyone know what happens to a sufferer who finds themself in prison? I can't imagine the authorities giving special treatment and a cell to oneself!!
Re prison, if you look on our website, you will see that the Prison Service does know about paruresis, and has special procedures in place for drug testing; though I agree that a single occupancy cell must be difficult to arrange. Also offical procedures is one thing, the action on the ground is something else.
cheers
Andrew
Re: Release at last
Posted by Geoff P on 16/1/2009, 10:12 pm, in reply to "Release at last"
Hi Pete, Thanks for your message. How are you getting on with beating this? Perhaps you could let me know what you found most helpful. I did manage to stand at a urinal at work 5 times today. I didn't need to go. I just wanted to start desensitising myself when there was no preassure. No-one came in, but it gave me a real sense of achievement. Geoff.
Re: Release at last
Posted by James on 17/1/2009, 2:54 pm, in reply to "Release at last"
pete you are one of many, its like 17 million people in the uk!! This is the only thing truly holding me back in my life.
