U.K. PARURESIS TRUST: Beginners Workshop

Hi guys,

I went to a beginners workshop way back in 2004 led by Andrew and thought it would be helpful to those thinking about going on a workshop to say how things have turned out since. With paruresis, it's hard to think about tomorrow. I can't guarantee the same experience for everyone, but here's my story...

I'd struggled with a shy bladder since my early teens, and had become a master in "strategy" in terms of going about everyday life ruled by the toilet. My paruresis was such that I could generally use a cubicle (though there were some circumstances when I couldn't, mainly if it was really quiet and there were others in the room), and urinals were only possible if I was sure there was no possibility of anyone coming in. I was very embarrassed about having to use a cubicle. I could generally survive using cubicles, but there were frequently situations when I considered that these were unlikely to be available, for example in really busy pubs, especially those with one cubicle for ten thousand people (which is how it felt), or those with poorly maintained facilities (broken locks, etc). In that kind of situation, I'd be constantly monitoring people going in an out so that I'd be able to pick a "quiet" moment, even if I didn't actually need to go. Or alternatively I'd hold on far longer than I should have done, not brave enough even to take a look at the facilities.

The availability of toilets was always a consideration. I'd never have a cup of tea within a couple of hours of going out unless I knew I was going somewhere with a "safe" toilet. Bumping into a colleague or friend in a toilet was a disaster. With friends, it was generally not the done thing to go to the toilet together, but there'd be occasions, e.g. on a drive, where you'd all be going to the loo at the same time.

In 2003, I discovered this site, and realised I was not alone. I'd never told anyone about my "problem", and I registered for a beginners workshop. We met at a hotel, about 12 of us if I remember correctly, on a Friday night - a wide range of normal guys of all personalities and backgrounds, but sharing one life-defining thing in common. The next couple of days were amazing. I peed in situations that I thought would never be possible, but there was no undue pressure or stress. I've never drunk so much liquid in one weekend!

I also attended a follow up workshop, which was great in consolidating the beginners workshop. Over the next few years, paruresis was still there as an issue (the workshop wasn't a "magic cure"), but it was changed in that I *knew* I could pee in challenging situations because I'd done it. So even though I had failures, I didn't have the same feeling of dying inside if I couldn't go. I'd just go back a bit later. Following the workshop, I was able to open up to a few close friends, and was surprised to find that a) they'd never noticed anything unusual about my behaviour (something I'd always feared) and b) they didn't think paruresis was weird. Some openly said without any embarrassment that they sometimes struggled, but for them that was normal and it didn't bother them in the slightest. Opening up sometimes made life easier if I couldn't go, as I had the option of trying again without making up some bizarre story. When I told my girlfriend who was to become my wife, I started with something like, "I've got something important to tell you," and it was a pleasant surprise when knowing about my paruresis didn't change her opinion of me in the slightest. There are some I haven't told, such as my parents, as I don't think that will be helpful (I can think of some incidents with them that didn't help my paruresis and I don't want to go there).

Over the following years, what changed wasn't so much my ability to pee in challenging situations, but the amount I thought about it, which in turn has enabled me to pee in more challenging situations. To be honest, I now hardly ever think about whether or not I'll be able to pee before I'm there actually peeing. If there are really busy urinals, I might wait till its quieter or until there's a bit more space, but loads of blokes do that, so no problem. One of the hardest things to desense was going with colleagues around - people I knew but didn't want to be open with. It's hard to find opportunity to desense that, so in some ways I don't really know what my limits are (but that's ok). If there's a free cubicle it's fine to use that. In our toilets at work, I can sometimes be the only person peeing at one of the five urinals, and there are six cubicles behind, all occupied and many of them are blokes just doing a pee (I know because I followed (say) two people in, they made a beeline for the cubicles and I went for the urinals, but they took the same time as me). But they don't have paruresis. The workshop was a real learning exercise in finding out what is normal, because over the years of "hiding" I had no idea what was normal any more. Now I know I'm normal, even though I couldn't pee in front of a capacity crowd at Wembley.

There have been some "wow" incidents. I recently stopped at some motorway services and took my 3-yo son to the toilet. I'd lifted him up to a urinal, then it was my turn. I had the pressure of him wanting to run around, so holding his hand, other people going in and out, I hadn't picked the "safest" urinal, and there were no dividers. But just as a negative thought was entering my mind, out came the pee. The beginners workshop was the starting point of a change that meant that I hadn't build up the whole scenario into an epic tale of woe before I'd already entered the toilets. Ok, there was a slight negative thought, but I reckon most blokes would get that occasionally - it's normal.

I hope that gives hope to some. Paruresis isn't something that can be turned off like a tap (though for some the change after a workshop is massive), but you CAN get your life back.

Pete.