U.K. PARURESIS TRUST: Re: Feedback on Manchester follow-up workshop Nov 2012

More than a week has passed since the follow up workshop.
And a lot of things have happened in my mind.

Before to get there I didn't know what expecting from this experience.
Beginner workshop last month gave me more trust in myself, in the work I was doing,
exposure therapy, commitment and so on.
But was a hard work and results were slow.
Before joining beginner workshop my paruresis was enought severe and I was no able to go in cubicles
anywhere else my home and hide streets (the only condition that saved in part my social life, which was really busy).
Ma paruresis has been always mild until two years ago. I didn't know about this condition, and
I was ok to don't be able to go in every situation in cubicles, never using urinal.
But two years ago starts to became really severe and always worst and I was no able to go even in my
home with people present.

As I said after beginner workshop I was better and I was starting to transfer exposure work in normal life, but really
slow. For example I've got some succes at friend's home or in cubicles in empty bars.

My follow up expectation was to get more confidential in toilets and more relaxed about my AP, and transfer fastly my
exposure work in normal life.

What happened in that weekend was unbelievable.

Step by step I was always more confidential and relaxed.
Saturday morning after last evening desensitization I was able to go with Robert behind me in the hotel room,
so in the afternoon the program was to start working in the hotel toilets.

Step by step, pee after pee with Robert we start to get relaxed practicing at the urinal. The environment was quite,
so we could do many attempts, washing hands and come back at the urinal trying adding variations between each others
(behind, beside, talking).
It was the first time at the urinal with somebody after probably 22 years (I'm 32).
Sometime somebody got in, but we were prepared and got always more relaxed, because we split the anxiety together step by step.
So sometime we were also able to have a pee at the urinal with some stranger around.
I was so happy.
And then as John wrote I start working with him and I was really surprised to be able pee with him too at the urinal.
Was really funny that moment, because we started smiling together about that.
It was like we forgot to be there practicing, instead we were there like two friends sharing a pee, enjoying that.

So I started to believe that was not a coincidence, and something was really changing.
I can count in saturday session about fifty / sixty pee. A lot of work.

The day after I almost was no sure about what happened the day before. It was too fast.
But soon with Robert confirmed our level at the urinal in the hotel toilet.

We were ready for working outside.

Five of us went out, changing spot after spot. Sometime together, sometime alone and
attempt after attempt getting always more relaxed with people around.
I started to go alone and have a pee with strangers beside me at the urinal and I could not believe
in that.
And I end sunday session in the most crowed toilet, drying off with both urinal beside me busy and a lot
of people waiting in the queue.

Was not so easy but before reach this goal when I was no able, I immediately get back again after a quick relaxing
and with the idea that it was possible.

Success after success I could not hide my happiness hugging the others and celebrating as I was at the stadium.

I remember perfectly the freedom sensation of drying off in that busy toilet, something incredible two days before.

Then I came back to Italy with the idea that my paruresis condition was over.
I went in Manchester and Milan airport toilet at the urinal and also twice during the flight.
I broke immediately my safety behaviors, not caring how much water I drank and enjoying beers at the airports.

And I was really ok the days later going at friend's home.

But there was a moment that something strange happened.
I was alone thinking that I was recovered and I felt a strange sensation. I was almost sad.
Something like loosing your purpose.

And during last week I was always nervous, over thinking. About being able to go in every situations
in my city, club or at parties with friends or girls home.
And I had a lot of misfires also in cubicles in follow weekend. I went also to an exposure session last saturday
and was really difficult to go at the urinal with people present.
And I've started to minimize my successes, feeling unsure.

Yesterday I realized what was happening. And I read already about that. Especially in paruresis stories but
I was no aware of that.
I've been over thinking in these last two years about my paruresis. Planning, looking for answers. Feeling anxious.
Avoiding. Protecting myself.
It's like I develop e new nature were paruresis is the normal condition and this nature wants to survive.
It's like the brain is junkie of this tension trying to bring me back and put me down again
in that condition.
Something like Stockholm sindrome when you fall in love for your abductor.
I'm sure that this is the reason of these worries, and the fear to get back in the worst condition I felt.
There is something unconscious and distorted inside me that doesn't want to disappear.
It's a very subtle boo monster, that works in an unusual way. It doesn't speak, because is your
hide nature and live together with you. It's not just a thought.

But now I'm not scare about that. Instead I'm happy that I'm aware of that. If I didn't do the workshop
I've never be aware of this kind of joke.
Now I have tools for getting over of this behavior, and the most I have the evidence.
What I've got in these beautiful experience is completely printed in my mind and memory.
If I think, I can feel again that freedom sensation in the last session.
I can feel the happiness that I share with the other buddies, the hugging with Ronnie in the end, the confidence with
Robert and John at the urinals, gags, and the exciting sensation of trying always something harder with no fear.
Celebrating every succes and feeling good and relaxed, also if a misfire happened.
And the last hug with Andrew telling him my achievements.

This experience can be thinking like a safe zone were I can refer if I feel unsure or anxious.
Because is something that really touched me inside, and if I close my eyes I can get again there.
Is the evidence. I believe in that.

I admit that here in my place it's more difficult, and there everything was fast, but if I've done once I can do twice.
So now I'll start to don't care more if I pee or I don't pee.
I don't want plan anymore. No safety behaviors. I'll go inside the situations and repeat if I need.
And come back and repeat if I still need.
I have trust.

It was really a great experience. Thanks to everybody, especially of course to Andrew.

Gabriele