I [24M] couldn't urinate once again... I went to the pub with some friends this weekend and I eventually needed to pee. So, I went to the bathroom. It was a bathroom with a single stall and two urinals - I obviously went straight for the stall . The fact there was only one stall, put on a bit of pressure on me to urinate, in case someone was waiting for me to finish. I sat there for a good 6 minutes just trying to void & focus but every time someone walked in, my anxiety ramped right back up and had to start again.

Once I finally finished urinating I went back to my friends and they couldn't understand why I took so long. I told them that I had a very shy bladder (I have told them in the past + they've noticed my weird behaviour with peeing before) but they didn't buy it. Which incidentally has piled on my paruresis pressure, even more, I now feel like I have a time limit to pee so I don't come across as weird.

I ended up finishing the night feeling humiliated, depressed and just inferior to everyone else. I don't think I ever felt so depressed in my life (probably also due to the effects of the alcohol). On the bright side, it did motivate me to try and find help to tackle this issue instead of just settling with my current routine. I've just bought 'Steven Soifers' book on SBS and I'm planning on contacting my health insurance for therapy sessions.

I just hope I can improve. My first goal is to be able to urinate in a stall even if people are around... Peeing at a urinal seems like an impossible goal right now.

Hi Ryan

Glad you have found us. I have been there, and many others also. What is amazing about you is that you are able to “look on the bright side”. With an attitude like that, you can definitely get on top of this.

You mention feeling humiliated, depressed and inferior to everyone else. The first two are natural reactions; but do not let yourself feel inferior. Your having shy bladder is down to bad luck, not to anything inferior about you. As for who gets it, would you believe an air force fighter pilot? You don’t much more superior that that; and we helped him get over it.

Your mates “don’t get it”, which is understandable. To them peeing is as much a non-event as blowing their nose. It may be worth asking if any of them have had stage fright? How would they feel about giving a best man’s speech at a wedding? BTW guys who do not have shy bladder have been known to refer to it as stage fright when they have found themselves in a challenging peeing situation.

Telling others about it is difficult because emotion can get in the way. We provide a script on our website:
www.ukpt.org.uk/living-with-paruresis/how-to-tell-someone
It is carefully crafted to be short, succinct, and to lead the listener along a path they can understand. We get feedback from guys saying how helpful they found it.

We can send you our professional brochure if you like; having something professional also helps in getting the point across. Given that we have been supported several times by the Lottery Fund, and have had an article in the British medical Journal, and have a clinical psychologist as a trustee, all give the condition credibility. Email your address to “support” followed by the domain name of the website.

You mention seeking therapy; great. Take charge of the condition. Can I encourage you to attend our workshops? We have been running them since 2003; hundreds of guys, plus some women, have attended them, and the feedback is very positive. You can find out about them, again on the website, under Workshops. In a weekend you should be able to pee in a stall with comfort.

You mention the typical pub toilet of two urinals close together and one stall. You may not know, but it is very common for men who do not have a shy bladder to avoid joining someone already standing there but to openly use the cubicle instead. All about personal space and urinal etiquette.

I hope all this helps. Feel free to get back with questions to either the forum, which I monitor, or direct to the email address

Cheers

Andrew
Moderator and trustee.

Hi Ryan , i have had this for over 40 years , I am 53 now...similar age to you now i guess?
its a f**king nightmare....it ruins your life.... my present girlfriend (of 9 months) will probably leave me in a few months as she likes socialising and i don't for obvious reasons...she knows i have this problem and suggested going to a GP and getting CBT? i feel i just have to live with it as the syndrome is very hard to overcome...i have a twin bother who also has the syndrome and has never overcome it

Hi Gary

You CAN overcome it, enough to make a sociable life possible. We have been helping people since 2003 using a CBT approach on our workshops. The oldest guy we have had was 85 and it worked for him, so don't give in to it. Look at the posts on this forum or our archive forum for posts with Feedback in their title; they will give you confidence to tackle it. If you book on to a workshop and tell your girlfriend, she may well see you are addressing it properly and stay with you to support you.

I can follow this up worth you on this forum or by email.

Andrew

Hi Gary & sorry you’re going through a hard time with paruresis.
If you haven’t been to a workshop then I strongly recommend you give it a go. Take your brother for moral support if you can & it may help him too.
The workshop would probably be much better that Cbt, at least for a start.
You will meet other men with similar or same thoughts & experiences as you which is a great comfort.
Show your girlfriend posts on this website & go on Wikipedia to show her that this is a recognised medical condition. She should understand & sympathise more with you then. Don’t give up!

Hi Ryan - good to read your post. Welcome to the forum!

A person may have been waiting for you to finish in the stall but seeing as it was a stall you were using then they would be assuming you were taking a dump & therefore just waiting for as long as it took for the stall to become vacant, just like you would have done if you were waiting to use the cubicle for a dump before you developed paruresis. It takes as long as it takes so try to reduce the pressures you are putting on yourself.
If the person isn’t waiting to use the stall for a dump then they too may sufferer from paruresis and would completely understand how you feel.
We don’t know why each individual person uses a cubicle.

I wouldn’t say that your behaviour with peeing before is “weird” - just different to your friends. Maybe they use cubicles too?
Try monitoring you level of urgency before you go to the gents & wait til it’s at least an 8 out of 10 before trying & see if that helps.
In your state of anxiety you may be trying to pee when you’re not quite ready to go & this will have an affect on your water works.
Try not to let your paruresis depress you.
If you’ve never attended a workshop then please do so at your soonest convenience.
If you read my last post you will see how helpful & successful it was to me.
Best of luck to you!