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steve's story

I reckon my road to AP started at the age of around 10. I remember during a school medical the old witch of a School Nurse pulled my underpants down to do a few checks and pokes, and I started to get an erection. She gave such a look of derision to my mother who was also present – that I remember thinking 'well if you don't like it, then don't fiddle around with me'.

Anyhow, the experience left a sour taste which made me self-conscious of my body, and has coloured my view of the Medical Profession ever since. I've seen all sorts of advice written to younger guys telling them that if they get an erection during an examination – then just ignore it as the doctor/nurse has seen it all before. My ass!! The next milestone was when I started puberty at the age of around12/13.

Being dark, I was the first boy to start sprouting pubic hair – which earned me a lot of nosey and unwanted attention from the other boys in the showers after P.E. This made my life completely miserable at that age, and I decided then that I would try not to put myself in situations where I would be 'under inspection'. This, of course, included peeing at the urinals. However, as the other boys caught-up I sort of forgot about this pledge to myself, and carried-on changing, showering, swimming, using the urinals,etc.

After a couple of relationships with girls (both nurses ironically!!), I came to the realisation that I fancied men more! So, at the age of around 21/22, I began to indulge in the new and very exciting London club scene: however, I began to notice that by no means everyone who went to the loo was actually urinating. It became apparent that a fair number were using the "facilities" to size-up (quite literally) potential shags for the night. And the cubicles were often being used for something else altogether!! So, once again I found myself under the spotlight – being gawped-at and inspected.

Thoroughly upset and disillusioned, I stopped going to gay clubs and bars – and this was the proper onset on my AP. From that day to this I never used urinals again, or gyms, or swimming baths, and never went to see a Doctor – although I have sunbathed nude on a number of occasions, enjoying the anonymity. For the most part I just got-on with my life and work – using cubicles where needed, and avoiding activities which necessitated a long stretch in a confined space – such as cinemas.

However, two years ago, I suffered from rectal bleeding and went to my Doctor – who said she wouldn't examine me since they'll do all that at the Hospital anyway. Nine months later and I got an appointment to see a Senior Surgical Registrar at a famous London teaching hospital. He examined me and diagnosed haemorrhoids, and said that he could treat me there and then: I duly agreed. However, his needle missed the haemorrhoids and hit my prostate instead – which meant that for the next 2 weeks I was not only passing blood anally but also urethrally (and involuntarily!) as well. This was extremely painful and embarrassing, especially since during the following 6 weeks or so – no less than 13 different doctors/nurses/urologists had their turn at poking me, prodding me, squeezing me, and sticking things in both ends of me – including a painful cystoscopy.

And no-one was prepared to say that they'd made a mistake, much less apologise. This whole experience reinforced my disdain for the entire Medical 'profession' and polarised all my waking thoughts on my waterworks and genitals, which in-turn prompted me to search the Internet for 'Pee Problems'. And so I came across the PSBB Message Board, which was a miraculous revelation to me. And then I got speaking to Adrian, then Andy,then Nick, then Howard - and then we had enough for a UK Group. And the rest is history…

For ME, it isn't a physical problem, or one that needs drugs or any special nutrition; it isn't a performance anxiety problem; I don't stand there thinking 'what if he sees I'm not peeing'. It is simply that I don't want to take the risk of catching someone taking a sideways glance, and thereby once again inspecting me or putting me under the spotlight.

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