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Hi guys. I don't want to sound negative but this is for the people that haven't been successful in their dealings with trying to overcome this awful condition. I have been trying to address my issues for over 8 years now. I have tried councilling, hypnosis and been on the workshop. I have a mild case of paresis but still enough to cause me a problem when it comes to using a public restroom. I am strong willed and have gave up my nicotine addiction after 16 years but I am at a loss with trying to perform in front of someone else. My own personal take on the workshops is that yes it is great the progress you can make but everyone else is in the same boat as you so you know that the person next to you isn't judgemental as they have their own demons to deal with.
want i want to say is find your own level that your comfortable with and don't be despondent if you don't make your end goal.
Re: Reality check
Posted by Nick on 25/9/2017, 2:57 pm, in reply to "Reality check "
Hello Martin I think you can be right. You do not have to compare yourself with others, but only with yourself. So a little improvement is an improvement! As I wrote in this forum, I asked one of my best friend to be my pee buddy, and he is not paruretic. Finding a non-paruretic pee buddy may be useful for you too. So you will face the situation with someone who has not the problem. As I repeat, consider your best male friends, and you may find that someone could really be helpful for you. There must be confidence and trust between you two. When I asked one of my best friend to become my pee buddy, he was very understanding, even if he's not at all paruretic. And he confessed me some other situations where he felt uncomfortable. So our friendship has increased. Very good experience. I know it can be difficult to tell one friend "Hey, I'm paruretic, would you like to be my pee buddy?". But probably at least one of your friend would be happy to help you. Try to describe him your situation, tell him you feel uncomfortable, that you would like to overcome your problem, and that he could be of help for you. If your friend really cares for you, he will be understanding and will probably accept. You have to underline that there is no need of "intimacy" between you. He does not have to see you peeing (I mean your genitals!) Just stand by you when you try. I advise you to try to pee together. You will feel "protected" by the presence of your close friend. At least, that was my experience. Nick
Re: Reality check
Posted by Andrew on 25/9/2017, 4:15 pm, in reply to "Reality check "
Hi Martin
Fair point. There are two points that are relevant.
1. Remember the individual hierarchies e.g. separation, level of noise etc. Remember that the hierarchy for "who the other people in the toilet are" starts with workshop participants (for the reasons you gave), then total strangers that you will not see again (e.g. motorways services, big shopping centres), then those few people you know whom you trust, then other friends, then colleagues at work who know you, continuing up to a rowdy group of drunk football supporters !
So you benefited from desensing with the first category. If you managed that OK, the next step is the second one on the hierarchy and not further up! So consider getting our to somewhere like a shopping centre, train station, motorway services etc.
2. You say "that the person next to you isn't judgemental". We emphasis on the workshop that:
- peeing is a total non-event and of no interest to guys who don't have shy bladder. Your being slow to pee is no more interesting than you being slow to blow your nose.
- that assumes they are noticing; for which we have endless evidence that they don't notice. One guy used to go wind-surfing with his mate. After the workshop he decided to tell his mate, saying that was why they had never peed together. His mate flatly contradicted him saying of course they had peed together. That showed the extent to which his mate had not noticed; he just assumed that they had.
3. Again we have lots of evidence that about 50% of guys feel uncomfortable in toilets especially when they are busy. These guys do not like standing next to someone and so look to have an empty urinal between them and anyone else; if not, they hang back and wait, or use a cubicle openly. So total strangers have their issues about personal space; i.e. don't try to stand next to someone - instead give yourself space.
It is common to struggle after a Beginners workshop. Guys benefit from returning to a Follow-up workshop where they can share their experiences and move forward, in your case by hitting the public toilets and dealing wont total strangers. One step at a time.
The follow up workshops are great and i totally recommended them. Two weeks ago i was out in another town for the afternoon with two friends. I remembered that there was a lack of facilities in the town and i had a low level of urgency. As i was in another town, it was important to me to have a go at desensing and went ok at one toilet. We had a meal at Weatherspoons later on in the day but my level of urgency didn't rise enough to use the gents. We walked up the road to the supermarket to get just a few bits and on the way out i spotted toilets. As we were going to the car shortly to go home, i didn't want to get caught short on the journey back. I braced myself and went in but didn't notice that someone was right behind me until i walked through the door. I saw that there were two urinals very close together and realising my level of urgency wasn't high enough to stand next to anyone i decided to use one of the two cubicles. I then noticed that the cleaner was on his knees cleaning the toilet in one and felt uncomfortable that he would be close to the gap under the partition. Before i would of gotten out of there sharpish but i decided to challenge myself and not only did i go into the cubicle but i left the door open. I managed to urinate quite quickly and didn't get nervous when i heard him about to walk into my cubicle. I turned around and saw him just walk away as he obviously didn't hear me in the cubicle.
Re: Reality check
Posted by Dylan on 30/9/2017, 7:07 am, in reply to "Reality check "
Hello Martin,
I am In the same boat I have been desensing for over 4 years I have had huge progress I was very severe were I could not use a cubicle at all now a cubicle is easy for me. I want to progress to having the cubicle open then urinals but I'm at a point were I don't think it'll get much better I guess a bit of positivity will help. If not you don't have to beat this condition you can still live a great life.
