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I'm at the point where I can pee in a lot of cubicles just not one where there are only two stalls because I feel the person is totally focuses on me, is there anything I could do to gradually get me used to it so I can pee? Also I find it a lot harder to pee when I'm bursting to when I just mildly need it, I find that I have to go a much "safer" bathroom than I usually would, the problem with this is there isn't always one available and so the time that I really need to go I can't, so I have to make sure I pee several times so it doesn't build up. Does anyone know how to get past this problem and should I fluid load everytime I go out so I get used to really needing it because when I do gradual exposure in public bathrooms I just go when I mildly need it I never fluid load, sois fluid loading critical to recovery? Thanks, David
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
Know what you mean David,you hear other guys saying I'm bursting and I've gotta go and they indeed go and empty,but for people like us bursting means bad news as you get lock up and to be able to go can take over an hour.I think it's the sphincter going into spasm.I would be interested if there is a way around this prob,in the meantime I use self cathing as a way around it,not satisfactory but it works.
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
1. to get you used to letting your bladder fill up to a point where there is a comfortable and strong urge to pee. Do not let it go beyond that where it gets uncomfortable and you are bursting.
2. By doing a three second pee, you can return after a couple of minutes to have another 3 second pee; you can continue like this for as long as you need for desensing. This way your desensing session of say an hour can contain easily a dozen pees, and so you met better progress. You can sip water to keep your level of urgency at the right level. We tell guys to drink a litre of water about an hour before they want to start desensing; obviously this can vary on individuals.
Does that make sense?
Andrew
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
Yes, that makes a lot of sense, thanks. Would you say that when desensing it's important for you to have a strong urge to pee or is it purely to make it easier to pee? Thanks, David
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
The level of urgency is a hierarchy in itself. The idea is the have the urgency level that is easiest for peeing. When desensing at that level results in 90% confidence, you move up a level of difficulty by using a slightly lower level of urgency.
Guys who have paruresis are very familiar with bursting to go, and with trying to go with a very low level of urgency. They are unfamiliar with peeing with an intermediate level; hence the need to allow yourself to fill up to a comfortably full level.
Most guys on the workshops say that once they have gained confidence on the weekend, they find the higher urgency makes it easier.
Andrew
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
Hi David. I have found it very helpful to use fluid loading. This could help you to urinate at a high level of urgency but also a lower one when your water bottle is empty and you have let most of the urine out. Give it a go and good luck!
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
That's really helpful, thanks, I'll make sure I fluid load when I go out desensing. Just another question, how can you desense to time pressure because I have trouble going at work or before trips because I have to pee as I cant just leave work to find a more suitable bathroom which makes things a lot harder for me and it's extra hard at work as I know people which is an added pressure, how can I desense to the time pressure and the fact that I see people I know in the bathroom? Thanks
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
Dealing with people you know : its necessary to get used to total strangers first, so that you build up confidence that yes you can pee when there are people about. When you have gained that confidence, it will feel different.
Time pressure is more to do with taking on board that you can take as long as it takes. Anecdotal evidence of public toilets is that there is a wide range of time taken to pee: some are in and out quickly, others can be standing there a long time; the difference between them and you is that they expect to pee eventually and are willing to wait till it happens. Again this is something you can try out when desensing with total strangers.
One workshop leader uses the analogy of a car park space at the supermarket. You don’t run round the supermarket thinking “I have to release that car park spot”: no, you take as long as you want. Same with a cubicle or urinal: its yours for as long as you need it.
Standing there not peeing will be fine. One guy tested out how long he could stand there before anything happened, and gave up after 20 minutes out of sheer boredom.
Andrew
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
I've had a long think about this and wondered if these ideas would help.
For day trips and workplace, improving your a.p would have one of the following challenges. Day trips: Car, bus, train. Workplace: Shop, office, factory.
Day trips: If travelling by car you can take a bottle of water with you on your journey and start drinking approx 15mins before your destination. This will give you a good start to your urgency level when you arrive. The problem with drinking sooner is that you never know if you are going to get caught in a traffic jam or face a diversion which may make your journey longer. Your level of urgency would get too high and you may not make it to the toilet on time. One idea would be to check for any delays on your route before setting off.
If travelling by bus i'd suggest drinking little and going to the toilet before you leave home. If you can, avoid drinking on your journey and if you need to, chew gum or suck on fruity sweets to stop your mouth from getting dry. If you have to drink and the trip is going to make a stop at a service station, then ask the driver what time he expects you to get there. You can drink approx 15mins before you are due there so you will have enough urgency to use a private cubicle once you are there. Finally, you can drink once more when you are approx 15mins from your destination so you will have a good start to your urgency when you get there.
If travelling by train you can drink whenever you want as train cubicles are very easy to use. The only thing i would bear in mind is if you would have a long walk to your destination once you have left the train. If so, try to use the train toilet as late as possible. I'd also like to add that if you are visiting a place you have never been to before, then google "toilet map" or "toilet finder" and enter the town or city you are visiting. You may be able to find the toilets for your route. If you wish to start fluid loading when you get to your destination buy enough water to drink 1-2 litres over an hour and follow the steps as suggested in the workshop.
Workplace: It would be impossible to fluid load if working in a shop or a factory. You could try going to the toilet at the end of break time instead of the start. You will have a drink in your break and this will increase your urgency. For lunchtimes try going 10mins before lunchbreak is over because most people will go at the end so the toilet's are more likely to be busier. If there is someone at the urinals and you feel you cannot stand near them then use a cubicle. You can always listen out for them leaving the room before trying to urinate if it makes you feel more comfortable. Remember it is your time and you are free to take as long as you have. If you are working in a factory there will be several cubicles so try using the one next to the wall so there can only be one engaged cubicle the other side of you. For an office worker i'd keep no hankies/tissues on you at your desk. This way you can use a cubicle to get toilet paper to blow your nose and you can urinate while you are in there. If you practice fluid loading in town every weekend and keep having success, maybe it will give you confidence to urinate in urinals without fluid loading and then you may build confidence to go at work.
No worries if not, but does any of this sound helpful to you David?
Re: Finding it harder to go when really need to pee
Thew! I was worried it may be a bit long winded! I wish you the very best of luck David. Any probs with these ideas then just drop another message and i'll see if i can suggest something.