This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
Hi everyone, First time to this site, i am in my 30's with three kids, i woke up this morning with an intense feeling of guilt as i have done many times. I've struggled with this issue for my whole life. I can cope- sort of but not really,with the fact that its effected my life choices for the worst but worry that i'll pass it on to my boys. By them never seeing me pee in public. This happens on hoildays, days out. I worry that they will inherit this issue somehow. I've been lucky and have a great partner- that doesnt know, i've told no one. I desperately want to control this issue. I feel pretty low about it to be honest and i'd hate my boys to experience this. Like being trapped. Thanks in advance for any reflextions.
Re: Guilt
Posted by Andrew on 20/9/2017, 4:32 pm, in reply to "Guilt"
Hi Chris
Good to hear from you and very glad that you have found this charity’s forum.
Firstly can I persuade you to ditch these feelings of guilt. Something happened to you when you were young which attached anxiety to peeing and/or public toilets, and it has resulted in this specific social anxiety. As such you are in effect a victim of that circumstance, not the perpetrator. So to feel guilty is as illogical as feeling guilty about being the height you are.
As for your sons: I have a daughter and a son, both in their late thirties. I never used a public toilet with my son. When he was in his late teens, I had to tell him about my shy bladder and explained that was why we had never peed together. He said he had never noticed: that is because peeing to most people is so unremarkable that it does not register.
So long as your sons are managing public peeing at school, which is usually a safe environment, they will not have a problem. Hopefully being three brothers, they are used to sharing the family bathroom and so have got a good foundation to build on.
Now for not telling your wife. It is difficult to tell someone; I broke down when I told my fiancée many years ago. She was very supportive and eventually forgot all about it! Telling those who need to know AND whom you trust is vital, as it removes the hold that the condition has over you. On our website here: http://www.ukpt.org.uk/first_visit/first_visit_How_to_Tell_Someone.htm we have a simple step-by-step script that leads the listener along a path they can understand. It has been used successfully by many others. If you feel you cannot say it to your wife, then give it to her to read. She will be supportive: she may even be upset to realise you have been struggling all this time without giving her the chance to support you!
So now I encourage you to read what is on our website, and on our forum (which we call the Discussion Board) both being accessible via ukpt.org.uk. On the forum, search for threads containing the word feedback; there you will read about the experiences of participants on our weekend long workshops where we use a professionally designed CBT approach with much success.
You can continue to post here; or feel free to email me at the support address above. The bottom line is that you can get over this with the help of the UKPT, as so many others have. You have taken the first difficult step by posting here; from now things can only get better.
Best wishes
Andrew Chair of UKPT trustees
Re: Guilt
Posted by Nick on 20/9/2017, 8:40 pm, in reply to "Guilt"
Hi Chris How old are your kids? Have you ever tried to pee in their presence? It may be easier than you think. If you succeed, you will obtain two results. You will have done a step forward in order to overcome paruresis and your kids will see that peeing is just a normal function of our body and not something to be hidden. I have a son of 14. When he was a toddler I became used to his presence while I was peeing. At that time I was still very inhibited and could not use urinals. But with my son it was easier in my bathroom. Later we went sometime peeing together in the open air and even in urinals. Does your wife know about your paruresis? Best wishes and contact me if you like. I wrote my whole story in this forum. You can read it. Nick
Re: Guilt
Posted by Karl on 21/9/2017, 10:12 am, in reply to "Guilt"
Hi Chris, nice to hear from and you welcome to the website :-) Paruresis is nothing to feel guilty about. If you would like to share on here why you feel guilty then i can assure you that nobody will judge you in a negative light. The thing is with this condition is that whatever has brought it on, many men on here will have developed paruresis for the same reason so you are not alone. I wouldn't say paruresis is hereditary so don't waste time worrying you will pass it on to your boys. They will be so used to using public toilets naturally either at school with friends or at public conveniences with their friends and each other that they will be used to urinating around adults and at that age won't think anything of it. As Andrew suggests, read posts on this message board, post messages for support and we will get back to you, and book yourself on a workshop. There will be one before Christmas and trust me the workshops are very good.
Re: Guilt
Posted by Dylan on 24/9/2017, 7:19 am, in reply to "Guilt"
I would suggest to tell your partner your kids don't need to know. You may be able to find quiet park toilets to train your kids hope this helps.
Re: Guilt
Posted by Chris on 1/10/2017, 9:48 am, in reply to "Re: Guilt"
Hi guys, Thanks for your thoughts. Especially regarding passing it on to kids. After my first post, there was that terrible earthquake in mexico. Puts into perspective my issues. Also i was thinking that as well as a fear i also just don't like standing around other men with my bits out. Like that is somehow the norm in our world. But back in the day fhere wouldn't had been these spaces so the problem literally wouldnt exist. My wife has got us tickets to a big show soon so i'm already dreading themid interval desperate for a piss drama. On a lighter note, i watched a batman film years ago and the opening sequence was how he became batman- because his greatest fear was bats, and he conquered it so he became Batman, so if i ever conquered my greatest fear- and became a super hero i would jave to become Urinalman. Hope its ok to try to bring a bit of humour to our misery. Also after the post i decided that if i have the opportunity to use public loos i would have a go so i did that, with toddler in pram, i think that made it easier still because there was a distraction I'd drunk so much water in preparation, plus there was only one guy in and there was masses of space between us. It was easy in there circumstances, not much of a test but a small success i suppose. I thought i'd try to to do that more see if i can normalise the process a bit. Thanks again Chris
Re: Guilt
Posted by Karl on 2/10/2017, 9:13 am, in reply to "Re: Guilt"
Urinalman?...i like that! Good one Chris. Most men don't like having their tackle out near other men and wonder why the urinal was ever invented but in order to improve my paruresis i have learned to accept it and remember that we all have the same genitalia. When you go to the show it may be best if you have a drink and empty your bladder before you leave home so you are less likely to need the toilet during the interval or after. It is positive to have any success no matter how big or small so give yourself a pat on the back! Well done from me.
Re: Guilt
Posted by Dylan on 28/10/2017, 9:40 am, in reply to "Re: Guilt"
Mate when it comes to big events go during the performance find a cubicle keep looking until you find one easy like what I do at the football.
